When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

I'd give him the money, as long as I could afford it. No age limit. I grew up in a family where, you help each other out, regardless of age. I don't get this "you are out of the house when you are 18" nonsense, it sounds so foreign to me.


Also, it's weird to me that you don't want to give him the money even though he supposedly got scholarships and paid his way through college, but you rather save $ for your DS 14 who doesn't work as hard and he will need the money.... your judgment seems off.

[Anonymous]

OP, I come from total poverty and have a huge work ethic, and I understand where you're coming from, but $100 here and there should not be conflated with not being able to support himself.

I think a few random things:

Is $100 here and there worth the rift you are going to start with your DH (and agree with a PP he'll just give your kid the $ behind your back)

Have him mow your lawn and give him the $100. Yeah it's expensive for lawn mowing, but there are a lot of other benefits to go along with that. I'm sure there are other jobs he can do.

Most importantly, I agree with other PPs that something else might be going on, in terms of substance abuse. Could just be pot, but it's been shown to kill motivation--no matter how naturally motivated one is.

Can you please explain why your son would insist on NOT taking your money for college, and going to a lower-ranked college, but NOW he wants to take your money? Is it because he wanted to do something specifically related to the college he chose?

[Anonymous]

Encourage son to talk to the military recruiters. That is what my Dad did to my sister when she was under employed post Ivy League degree.

She had a stellar military career and her under employment ended.

[Anonymous]

Also encourage him to get in the National Guard. He will make good job connections and get retrained on the government dime and also make about $5000 per year extra.

This will open a lot of employment doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

You heard nothing at all. You seem to be the rigid sort.

You pat yourself on the back that you were giving your parents a quarter of your paycheck well into your 30s, but you cannot sit down and have a decent conversation with your son about his long term goals etc.. and how you can support him with a career coach and get him out of his "joke of a job". I think I see why your son did not want your money for the Ivy and wanted to be independent instead. You reap what you sow, lady!

Also your son seems capable of paying his own rent and food. $1500 over 5 years is nothing to throw a fit about.

Honestly your son seems to be doing pretty well over all. I'd give him the $500 and start talking other job options.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son is doing okay. He lives outside of your house but comes up a bit short here and there. I think OP is over reacting.

[Anonymous]

What I don’t understand is willing to spend a ton on an adopted child but not willing to help the bio one even one bit??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don’t understand is willing to spend a ton on an adopted child but not willing to help the bio one even one bit??

I’m also curious about the youngest’s college fund. If OP was willing to pay her oldest son’s expenses but he chose not to take it that should be a nice sum for the youngest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Thank you for all the advice. In total over the past 5 years or so we have probably given him between $1000-1500 in total. All in small increments. One of DH's biggest arguements is that he has always had good reasons for needing it - one time he got fired (along with half his coworkers) after a management changeover at his job and it took a month or two to find a new job. Or his car died and he was running around trying to fix it.

I dont think mental illness or drug abuse has anything to do with it. He does drink but we have no evidence that he does so to excess or is dependent on it.

He does, at least claim, to want to go back to grad school, but always cites financial reasons as to why he cant do so, so Im not sure how serious he is about that.

His degree is in geography/GIS, so definitely not a good degree.

As foe him moving home, I would be okay with that, but as he lives down in South Carolina, I suspect he would prefer to remain independent.

Are you serious? $1500 in total over FIVE years??? He IS supporting himself then. You are complaining about nothing. The bottom line is that you're not happy with (or maybe embarrassed by) what he's doing, and that's YOUR problem -- not his.

It's a great degree. I think half of NOAA has a GIS degree. I agree that 1500 in 5 years is nothing.

Op, second that- GIS/geography is in super high demand for many many Fortune 500, tech, oil, satellites, Wall Street etc. If he applies to grad school with a GRE he can probably get mostly funded. Why don’t you propose paying for a gre class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

OP I’m sad that your takeaway is that you need to cut your son off. There’s a deeper reason he went behind your back and didn’t enroll in an Ivy. Think about that, and don’t perpetuate it by just cutting him off. Your are overreacting. Do this and you will lose your eldest son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

[Anonymous]

I was also going to suggest the military. The Army will throw a ton of money at him and with a college degree, he’ll come in at officer level. And his degree in geography is in demand in the military as well. He can serve for a few years to get a foot in the door, security clearance, and veterans preference, and get his honorable discharge and civilian employment, or he can make a career out of it and have a nice life with very stable employment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don’t understand is willing to spend a ton on an adopted child but not willing to help the bio one even one bit??

Yeah, I don't understand this at all, especially after older DS saved his parents an enormous amount of money by paying for most of his own college.

On the plus side, it might be best for bartender DS to distance himself from his parents anyhow, if they think a little bit of money a few times a year costs more than support for 4 years of college. I would want to cut my parents loose at that point anyhow myself.

[Anonymous]

I'd be done helping him. It's not a $$ issue, it's an independence issue. I'd work on what steps need to be tackled in order for him to be independent- I can't imagine he will be surprised by this and he will likely be relieved. He set a high bar and didn't make it- he can't be feeling good about this either. He sounds like a perfect candidate for grad school where he can continue to malinger, but at least gain skills in a more desired area.

[Anonymous]

Husband gets to do whatever his wants. It's 50% his money. A few hundred dollars here-and-there, for whatever reason --- Op doesn't get to dictate this! Frankly, he doesn't need to tell her, and given she's venomous, he'd be smart not to tell her.