When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Not too old to join the Marines.

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that something like a third of millennials get financial help from their parents for rent. I have a friend/coworker whose parents still help her with her rent and we are early thirties and make six figures. I think what this really comes down to is that you are embarrassed of his life choices. The amount of money you are talking about is so soo small. If you want to cut him off I would set him up with a career/life coach for a year and tell him he needs to figure something out as the money spigot is being cut off. He sounds stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

Oh, please.. if your child was still a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree, you'd bee upset.

-signed another 1st gen immigrant who wouldn't mind if my child was a blue collar worker but not able to support themselves.

It's fine if that is your life choice, but no matter choices you make, you should try to be financially independent as much as possible. Choosing to stay a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree with no future plans, and then asking your parents to help you pay the rent is not responsible.

[Anonymous]

^goodness, lots of typos up there.. fingers not working as fast as my brain... but you get the gist of what I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

Oh, please.. if your child was still a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree, you'd bee upset.

-signed another 1st gen immigrant who wouldn't mind if my child was a blue collar worker but not able to support themselves.

It's fine if that is your life choice, but no matter choices you make, you should try to be financially independent as much as possible. Choosing to stay a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree with no future plans, and then asking your parents to help you pay the rent is not responsible.

He asked for $1500 over 5 years. That's $300/year. Nothing really. This mom is nowhere near paying the rent for her son.

I might be upset that he was a bartender at 26. I might worry about drugs or addiction issues. I would wonder what I did that he preferred attending an obscure college and independence over me paying for him to attend an Ivy.

But I wouldn't cut him off over $1500 a year...

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be worried that you seem to be embarrassed by his job (though maybe you'd benefit from some solo therapy on that), but I'd be worried that him working in the restaurant industry may lead him into alcoholism or addiction if he doesn't seem to be living up to his potential or have any ambition in the industry he's in (management, opening up his own place, etc.). I've seen this first hand in a few friends.

[Anonymous]

I know a very smart and creative guy who was much like this. Pissed away years 25-35 in the industry (or rather, lived an exciting life goofing around and traveling) and then buckled down to go to law school in his early 30s. Some men just take longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

Oh, please.. if your child was still a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree, you'd bee upset.

-signed another 1st gen immigrant who wouldn't mind if my child was a blue collar worker but not able to support themselves.

It's fine if that is your life choice, but no matter choices you make, you should try to be financially independent as much as possible. Choosing to stay a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree with no future plans, and then asking your parents to help you pay the rent is not responsible.

He asked for $1500 over 5 years. That's $300/year. Nothing really. This mom is nowhere near paying the rent for her son.

I might be upset that he was a bartender at 26. I might worry about drugs or addiction issues. I would wonder what I did that he preferred attending an obscure college and independence over me paying for him to attend an Ivy.

But I wouldn't cut him off over $1500 a year...

You are not seeing the forest for the trees. It's not about the money. If this really happened to you, you would not be happy that he comes to you for rent money every so often, irrespective of the amount. It's about how he chooses to stay a bartender, a dead end job at 26, even with a college degree, and with no future plans to better his situation.

I would happily give my adult child $1500 over a few years if I knew that my adult child was trying to make his situation better. But, not if he chose to stay at a job that might be fun and exciting but pays so little that he can't easily take care of himself. What will he do at 36? 56? When you are dead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a very smart and creative guy who was much like this. Pissed away years 25-35 in the industry (or rather, lived an exciting life goofing around and traveling) and then buckled down to go to law school in his early 30s. Some men just take longer.

And I think that's fine if that's what they want, but IMO, you are an adult at 26, and you shouldn't expect your parents to let you flounder by propping you up financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

Oh, please.. if your child was still a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree, you'd bee upset.

-signed another 1st gen immigrant who wouldn't mind if my child was a blue collar worker but not able to support themselves.

It's fine if that is your life choice, but no matter choices you make, you should try to be financially independent as much as possible. Choosing to stay a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree with no future plans, and then asking your parents to help you pay the rent is not responsible.

He asked for $1500 over 5 years. That's $300/year. Nothing really. This mom is nowhere near paying the rent for her son.

I might be upset that he was a bartender at 26. I might worry about drugs or addiction issues. I would wonder what I did that he preferred attending an obscure college and independence over me paying for him to attend an Ivy.


You are not seeing the forest for the trees. It's not about the money. If this really happened to you, you would not be happy that he comes to you for rent money every so often, irrespective of the amount. It's about how he chooses to stay a bartender, a dead end job at 26, even with a college degree, and with no future plans to better his situation.

I would happily give my adult child $1500 over a few years if I knew that my adult child was trying to make his situation better. But, not if he chose to stay at a job that might be fun and exciting but pays so little that he can't easily take care of himself. What will he do at 36? 56? When you are dead?

I actually agree with you. But with this OP, it seems to be all about the money, which is why she is not even trying to help her son get out of his dead end job, but prefers to cut him off instead. Maybe everything comes with strings attached? Is this why the son avoided the Ivy and its paid off tuition? There is something going on there. It is continuing with the son's preference for the lowly bartending job.

[Anonymous]

You've cut him off long ago. From any motherly affection and compassion.

[Anonymous]

I will also support all my kids till they are financially and socially ahead. I will also want to help them raise their kids. I want to be a huge part of their lives. When I am old they will happily take care of me. Pay it forward, especially with your children.

[Anonymous]

Son's Father can be doing this. Mom can have her own opinion and her opinion doesn't need to matter much -- it isn't enough money to matter. Father and Son have their own relationship. This doesn't involve Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

+1 to all this

Another first gen immigrant here. I will do the same.

Oh, please.. if your child was still a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree, you'd bee upset.

-signed another 1st gen immigrant who wouldn't mind if my child was a blue collar worker but not able to support themselves.

It's fine if that is your life choice, but no matter choices you make, you should try to be financially independent as much as possible. Choosing to stay a bartender at 26 after earning a college degree with no future plans, and then asking your parents to help you pay the rent is not responsible.

None of us are saying that. We are saying that this boy is lost and wasting his life. He needs all help to get back on track. This is the support - financial, medical, emotional, social, career counseling, educational that he needs. This boy did not launch. Course correction and intervention is required. Cutting him off for a loan of a few hundred dollars is irresponsible parenting.