When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Open must be a narcissist and ds 26 is her scapegoat. That much hate for another human, let alone your child must be a sign of some mental disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

$100. Yes.

So your child is now 56, and comes to you for $100 to pay the rent because they decided to stay in a dead end job with no plans for any kind of complete financial independence, and you think that's fine? Do you think that adult child might be waiting for you to kick the bucket so they could just inherit and not have to strive for any kind of independence?

I have no problem helping adult children if they trying to achieve that independence by getting a better job, getting some training, etc.. but if they never tried to achieve that financial security because they were too lazy or too busy having fun, then I would consider that a failure to launch, and sometimes, that failure is because the parent didn't cut the chord when it was time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me it's pretty obvious what happened here. OP was so overbearing when the son was in high school that he decided he'd be better off paying his own way to college than dealing with her. But he's maintained a good relationship with his father.

Exactly. If the above isn't true then I can't figure out why a kid would go behind a parents back to enroll in a school they knew their parents (read: mom) wouldn't be happy about.

The subject line of this thread is misleading. Cut off implies you are supporting this kid. $1,500 over five years isn't support, it's $25 a month. I guess I question why the kid needs $100 here or there and why that amount makes or breaks their bank (AKA can you pick up another job on top of bartending instead of asking for the $100? It's not a huge amount) and maybe that's the conversation OP and DH need to have with their son, which is fair. I still say the kid needs to go back to grad school (I was one of those posters).

[Anonymous]

OP- is he happy? If it is, $500 here and there (yes even when he is 36 or 46 or 56) it would be fine with me. Obviously it is not the life you would choose, but it the life he is choosing. (I would also deposit $ in ROTH IRAs for him- we are doing it for our children now)

If he is not happy, then have your DH talk with him and offer help (like has been mentioned before career counselor, therapist, life coach). Then, if the answer is he needs more schooling and has a plan- pay for it since you did not have to pay for college and saved 4200k almost 10 years ago. That is what I would do.

Love and accept the child you have, not the one you wanted and thought you had when he was admitted to an Ivy. See a therapist yourself if you need to get to that place of love and acceptance. (Parental pride can set us up for failure sometimes)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- is he happy? If it is, $500 here and there (yes even when he is 36 or 46 or 56) it would be fine with me. Obviously it is not the life you would choose, but it the life he is choosing. (I would also deposit $ in ROTH IRAs for him- we are doing it for our children now)

If he is not happy, then have your DH talk with him and offer help (like has been mentioned before career counselor, therapist, life coach). Then, if the answer is he needs more schooling and has a plan- pay for it since you did not have to pay for college and saved 4200k almost 10 years ago. That is what I would do.

Love and accept the child you have, not the one you wanted and thought you had when he was admitted to an Ivy. See a therapist yourself if you need to get to that place of love and acceptance. (Parental pride can set us up for failure sometimes)

Oh please. I don't mind if my kid is a blue collar, but he'd better be able to financially support himself by 30. I wouldn't want my children to be miserable adults, working 60 hours a week in a job they hate even if it paid them $500K, but I certainly don't think working a dead end job that makes you happy but you can't financially take care of yourself is what a mature adult should do, either. What happens when the parents are dead and/or can no longer afford to help out the adult child? What's that adult child at 56 going to do now? Mooch off of siblings? Friends?

C'mon people.. at some point, a grown up needs to be able to figure out how they are going to financially take care of themselves. It's not like OP's son came from a low income family with no educational opportunities to better his life. If that were the case, then sure, I could understand the adult needing some help since they had very little opportunities, but he has a college degree and is pretty smart.

And I say this as someone who grew up lower income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

Anyway he graduated, and never got a real job. Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this.

Now, over the past few years there have been times where he has called us and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasnt too annoyed, but as of recently Ive been really pissed off. He is 26, and working a joke of a job. He is old enough to support himself and make good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, say since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there its not a big deal. We have the money, but are getting older and are still saving up for ds14's college. Plus DS14 wont get the scholarships his siblings got as he is a worse student, so I am of the belief more money should be going into ds14, not my lazabout ds26.

DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my 26 year old son to support himself. We have been getting into arguements over this. I think its a socioeconomic thing. DH grew up in a very priviledged DC area family who had no financial issues, while I grew up in rural West Virginia just scraping by. We now are quite well off, but the idea of supporting an adult child is just alien to me - in my family support was done at 18 and younwere expected to find a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes innapropriate?

Then why are you saving for DS 14's college fund?

Since you didn't give DS 26 any money for college i don't think there is any harm in helping him out here and there. You aren't supporting him - he is working full time and living on his own but occasionally a little short. And he graduated college at 20? That seems early. If you have the money and you didn't give him any money for college, I would help him out now.

It seems you have two standards for your two kids. That is my biggest issue. One you want to provide financial support to and one you don't.

This is the red flag that suggests PP isn't telling the whole story.

It makes perfect sense to me. Oldest DH started out well, bright, won scholarships/merit aid to college (note, that doesn't mean parents still didn't pay for most of college) and took part time jobs because he was independent and wanted to support himself. Parents were probably impressed all around.

Then he seemed to just stop maturing. Instead of using that discipline and academic capability to launch himself into the real world, he effectively went sideways. And he's stuck in this sideways purgatory of dead end jobs rather than going forward. That's what we call failure to launch.

OP has a younger son (she says she's parent to three kids) and she said her younger son doesn't have the educational aptitude of his elder siblings so is not likely to get scholarships aka merit aid and parents will need to pay the full cost.

She's angry/frustrated that her oldest son, who had the aptitude and discipline to get ahead in life, isn't (so far). That's why her post is angry because she's worried for her son. It's not and never been about the money but more about the son's inability to accomplish something with life.

There is no red flag nor hidden story, but a rather common scenario.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:'Now six years later he is still a full time bartender/server. Its such a waste because he is so smart and so much better then this'

Do you expect a real job, a career, to simply fall into his lap?

Did he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

Yes help him don't just cut off.

[Anonymous]

We took path of telling our kids early that every adult can choose choose life and lifestyle wants— just shouldn’t be with expectation that someone else will fund it. So in our family, if DS is happy with life and lifestyle then be happy for him and with him. If he wants more money, give emotional support and not financial as he figures it out how to do (or if even wants to do) on his own. Know all families are different, but this is what worked for us .... so far.

[Anonymous]

I never knew that a mother could be so cruel to her own child. Op is a monster. That young man was right to go to college on his own. He should move as far away as possible from op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

Admit it, you just don't like this kid. He is the scapegoat to you. Are you really that thick that you don't understand that $1500 over 5 years, which after reading your posts, I'm convinced you've exaggerated, doesn't mean "he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table."

[Anonymous]

OP, is your son happy or more or less content with his life? If so, maybe you should accept that this is the path he's chosen. If he's not, work on helping him by, for example, pay for grad school, especially since he pictched in for undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your 26 year old needs your help. Badly. Not financial. But perhaps you could help him with a career counselor or something to help him get started. My guess is he's stuck and he needs some help getting unstuck. Plus, I remember from working restaurant jobs (over the summers in college) it's so easy to get sucked into the routine and unhealthy activities (shift beers every night after close, pot smoking).

I really don't think this is about the money. I bet your son wants more for himself but he's feel paralyzed. My biggest hope is that he doesn't have any addictions that you're unaware of.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ive read everything, but its a lot.

First, DS 26 is my son, not stepson. DS14 is adopted, which might help explain the age difference, while DS 26 and dd 24 are both me and DH's biological kids. Not that this matters, or I felt the need to share this earlier as whatever the situation it wouldnt change my feelings.

Also, people are getting hung up on me mentioning payong for DS14's college but not ds26. Me and DH were fully ready and willing to pay for ds26's college tuition and bills, for an Ivy, but ds26 threw a fit and refused to accept our help, instead going behind our back enrolling himself in a far less prestigious university that was offering him a lot of scholarships and for which he could support himself through collage.

And I get it, $1500 over 5 years is not a lot. We certainly can afford to lost the money. In my view though it is a moral issue of a 26 year old being so professionally incapable he cant pay his own rent or put food on his table. Granted, as I said, I am probably biased from my own upbringing where I had to work starting at age 14 to support my parents and was still giving my parents a quarter of every paycheck well into my 30s/married life.

Anyway, thank you for all your advice, and I think it has helped me figure out a path forward. Im going to put my foot down with DH and start the proccess of cutting him off for good. If DS needs to struggle to figure out how to live, then I agree it might be time for that.

If I'm your husband, I tell you to stuff it, or I give my kid $100 from time to time without telling you. Seriously, that's $300/year. That's less than some people spend on birthday and Christmas presents for their kids. Your son DOES pay his own rent and feed himself. He has asked for small amounts of money in emergencies, which is not at all the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all you people who say OP is a terrible person.. in 10 years time, if her DS comes back at 36 asking for $100 to help pay the rent, is that still fine? What about 46? 56? At what age should an adult with a college degree be able to stand on their own too feet?

If my adult child got laid off because their employer closed down and needed a little money to cover expenses until he got another job, yes, I'd be fine with helping out. I wouldn't be okay with regularly paying expenses, but emergencies happen. I'd be likely to encourage them to figure out a budget so that they had an emergency fund, and might even offer to pay for a session or two with a financial planner to help make that happen.

OP's not a terrible person because she doesn't want to pay her son's expenses. She's terrible because it's clear she doesn't like him, she is ashamed of him, and frankly, she sounds mean when she talks about cutting him off. Her husband is fine with giving the guy a few bucks now and then; why does she get to just unilaterally "put her foot down" and stop him? She thinks she has the moral high ground, but nothing in her posts suggests any love or affection for her son. That's what people are reacting to.