Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who said DH needs to do way more. And I will repeat it again. Why is it the mom who’s on dcum trying to fix this? He needs to take responsibility for 95% - and if he doesn’t want to do all that himself (and of course I don’t blame him), HE needs to figure out how to outsource.

That’s what women in his position do all the damn time, and they usually don’t even have to be asked. OP is bearing the mental load, and she shouldn’t be.

Normally I would agree with you but her concerns are almost entirely centered around work. She's not saying she's coming home to a filthy house and having to make all the meals, she's literally asking for tips about getting emails from clients during the time she's blocked out for her baby. There's nothing in the question that points to a failure on her DH's part to step up, it's all about setting and defending boundaries at work.

OP. This is correct. He does the vast majority of the housework and cooking. I help out when there's time, but I don't have a problem with this arrangement. We also got lucky with a pretty easy baby, so home life is generally manageable. It's managing work that I'm having trouble with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a baby in BigLaw right now, and I want to echo the advice that sounded right to me: 1) don't worry about emails from 5-7. You could be in a meeting, you could be on your commute, you could be working on another deliverable. There are plenty of reasons not to respond to an email immediately. If you are getting "bumped" emails from a client, you may want to make it a habit to respond "received" or "will circle back by 9pm" or something so they know they're not sending questions into a black hole.

You mention debt, and you mention anxiety. Maybe these are not tied together for you, but they were for me. When I paid off my student loans a lot of my anxiety at work diminished. When we refinanced our mortgage so that it could be handled on my DH's (lower, fed) salary, my anxiety diminished even moreso. If this is not a correlation for you, ignore me. But if you have anxiety around financial security, I would not switch to an amazing, expensive nanny to simplify your life. I'd double and triple down on paying off the debt and then see how that feels. Without that hanging over your head you may feel comfortable leaning out or starting your own practice or going in house.

Agree you should do drop off, DH does pick up, and you pick 2 nights a week to work late and straight through. You'll be more productive and feel more steady on your feet.

You're hitting your billable targets for a bonus with a new baby. You're doing a great job at work. Don't feel like you're not handling it, because you are. It's just hard, especially right now while baby is so little.

This is a good advice OP. Once you pay down your debt, switch to a government job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically what the title says. I've been back at work a couple of months now. It's hard. I expected it to be hard, but the total lack of any free time and sleep is killing me. Yes I'm browsing this board (my kid is asleep in my arms and I'm waiting a few minutes to transfer to the crib) but in general my day is: spend a couple of hours with the baby in the morning (this part is great), go to work, leave early to pick up kid from daycare and avoid glares from colleagues who are junior to me but still feel comfortable enough to be assholes, have like 30 minutes at home with baby before bed time, work 7-12, shower and go to bed (thank sweet Jesus baby is a good sleeper), repeat. The number of demanding "I need this right now" emails between 5-7 drive me insane with anxiety. DH works a 9-5 and does probably 80% of housework, so that's thankfully something I don't really need to worry about, but still I'm so overwhelmed always being on call.

I can't afford to quit (I make a lot more than him and still have a good chunk of debt). How do people do this? You can leave snarky comments if you want, whatever, but if you have actual advice please lay it on me because I feel like I'm losing my shit.

You feel that way because you are in fact. Tell your firm you want to work part time, and if they dont like it find a firm who will. What, you'll go from making 300 grand a year to 150? If you're not using your higher earnings-per-hour ability to actually work LESS HOURS and have a life, then you're losing out.

I got to wonder, WTF do people possibly want from you at 7pm? Advice? I guess a lot of people around here work these types of schedules and jobs, because there's a lot of people walking around humorless, dour, sleep-deprived, and generally like someone peed in their cheerios. Do you have a job or does it have you?

[Anonymous]

The bad news is a busload of lawyers went over a cliff.

The good news was that there were no empty seats......zing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters who started off with a baby in biglaw and transitioned to another position -- ignore the posters who are making you feel bad about how important this time is. The truth is the important time will be the years your child remembers as they grow into adulthood -- when they look back on their childhood, were you never there or were you? Before 5ish is the time to have this kind of job. the problem is that the job doesn't change then either.

+1
Once the baby gets older, the good news is that he'll sleep less so you could have more time with him. The bad news is, you'll be working in the evenings, so it won't matter.

-1
This time is absolutely important. Just because they can't talk or verbalize memory doesn't mean they're not developing. It's *all* important time, and don't kid yourself otherwise (aka, while I would never, ever choose this kind of job, and why so many PPs on this thread are telling OP to make a job change).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically what the title says. I've been back at work a couple of months now. It's hard. I expected it to be hard, but the total lack of any free time and sleep is killing me. Yes I'm browsing this board (my kid is asleep in my arms and I'm waiting a few minutes to transfer to the crib) but in general my day is: spend a couple of hours with the baby in the morning (this part is great), go to work, leave early to pick up kid from daycare and avoid glares from colleagues who are junior to me but still feel comfortable enough to be assholes, have like 30 minutes at home with baby before bed time, work 7-12, shower and go to bed (thank sweet Jesus baby is a good sleeper), repeat. The number of demanding "I need this right now" emails between 5-7 drive me insane with anxiety. DH works a 9-5 and does probably 80% of housework, so that's thankfully something I don't really need to worry about, but still I'm so overwhelmed always being on call.

I can't afford to quit (I make a lot more than him and still have a good chunk of debt). How do people do this? You can leave snarky comments if you want, whatever, but if you have actual advice please lay it on me because I feel like I'm losing my shit.

You feel that way because you are in fact. Tell your firm you want to work part time, and if they dont like it find a firm who will. What, you'll go from making 300 grand a year to 150? If you're not using your higher earnings-per-hour ability to actually work LESS HOURS and have a life, then you're losing out.

I got to wonder, WTF do people possibly want from you at 7pm? Advice? I guess a lot of people around here work these types of schedules and jobs, because there's a lot of people walking around humorless, dour, sleep-deprived, and generally like someone peed in their cheerios. Do you have a job or does it have you?

+1 to the bolded. Can any lawyers paint a picture of what your night looks like after 5pm? Is there really THAT much work that people are working until midnight regularly?

[Anonymous]

Not OP but many big law lawyers are supporting clients in other time zones.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the two prior PP who suggested a nanny. I also want to flag that I had student debt and financial anxiety, and a better path to tackling both was sanity. 5 years later I’ve paid it off and am still in the workforce, third kid on the way. No way I could’ve done that without a nanny.

[Anonymous]

It amazes me how many people on DCUM want to tell moms they can’t do it. When I got pregnant with my first a woman in biglaw told me if I wanted to stay in biglaw I should get an abortion.

Well I’ve been here 7 years. Is it perfect? No. Neither are 9-5s. I like my job. I want to stay in this job. I found ways to be able to (including au pairs). Including lateraling to a firm that was a better fit. Including switching practice areas to a better speciality.

[Anonymous]

I'll talk you down!

I haven't read all the advice in here but perhaps this has all been captured

For context I work about 40 hours a week and my husband travels most the week so he may see our kids 1 or 2 weekdays vs every day

1) DH still has a great relationship with the kids! I won't lie, its not the same as mine, but they have a very deep relationship and their own connection. So if part of your concern is not having enough time with your kids (and i get that!) know that you'll still have a special mommy relationship and bond even if you keep doing this job. You may miss out on some things as you want as a mom, but you are not hurting your kids

2) Get a very flexible nanny. It relieves so much stress knowing that if plans need to change at the last minute, it doesn't cause a logistical nightmare. This is both for your schedule but even more so for your DH if he's the one carrying the bulk of the load and its limiting his ability to stay late at his job or whatever when needed

3) outsource everything so when you have time at home it's either relaxing time or downtime

4) accept that in the little kid stage, everyone is either working or doing childcare or domestic tasks pretty much all the time. That's true regardless of job. We're all stretched and exhausted. i live for the 30min of tv i reward myself with on workweek evenings. Its a phase, working or sah, the demands are relentless in this stage

5) budget in time for something ANYTHING on the weekend. a trip to the gym, an hour at the coffee shop, whatever. something to look forward to as your break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I quit — and life is much better! Otherwise, just hang on. You will get more used to it.

+1
It is a trade-off.

[Anonymous]

I quit. I lasted 12 years. I was crazy for staying so long. Make it happen. I too am the primary earner but I found another job in house that is so much better.

[Anonymous]

Do not ask for 80!!! It’ll kill partnership for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would your husband consider staying home?

This. Nearly all the men I knew in biglaw with kids had stay at home spouses. A couple women did. The rest were either excruciatingly miserable or quit. I saw the writing on the wall and got out before I had kids. And it's hard enough to juggle young kids with my relatively reasonable government job. I really don't know how anyone with a working spouse does it at a law firm.

Which doesn't help you, OP. I'm sorry, but my advice is to either see if your husband can scale back/stay home, or start looking for the exit for yourself. It's no way to live and it's unlikely to get better. My kids are 6 and 2.5 and they are now old enough to notice and be upset if I'm not home.

Most big Law men have wives at home who do everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a garbage industry biglaw. There is zero reason it has to be this way.

What does that mean? If you want to make biglaw money, you have to do biglaw work. And no, it doesn't have to be that way, but OP made the choice to go into biglaw versus something that pays less. You can't have it both ways.

I didn't write that, but I agree with the sentiment that "it" doesn't mean to be that way. You don't need anywhere near the money and stress that biglaw offers. You can have "it" in spades without being in biglaw. Nobody really enjoys Biglaw, and to those who insist that they do, I ask: ok, would you still want to do it for half the pay?