Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. No, my husband doesn't want to stay home. He's an attorney as well so I get not wanting a gap, and honestly I'm hoping he makes the switch to private practice at some point.

For those who do a couple of late nights - do you find it challenging to work straight through? I feel like my mental stamina is not what it was. Though that may be from not sleeping as much as I once did . . .

So who is going to take care of your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. No, my husband doesn't want to stay home. He's an attorney as well so I get not wanting a gap, and honestly I'm hoping he makes the switch to private practice at some point.

For those who do a couple of late nights - do you find it challenging to work straight through? I feel like my mental stamina is not what it was. Though that may be from not sleeping as much as I once did . . .

So who is going to take care of your kid?

Obviously she’s hoping to switch who is in the 9-5 and who is getting ground up in biglaw.

[Anonymous]

Op, I can't see how you'll be able to work evenings once your child starts staying up later. Next, you'll have homework, sports, etc. Yeah, dh can cover all of your child's needs, but will you WANT to remove yourself from this part of your life every evening? Start saving money and make plans to get a different job by the time your child is 2.5 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters who started off with a baby in biglaw and transitioned to another position -- ignore the posters who are making you feel bad about how important this time is. The truth is the important time will be the years your child remembers as they grow into adulthood -- when they look back on their childhood, were you never there or were you? Before 5ish is the time to have this kind of job. the problem is that the job doesn't change then either.

+1
Once the baby gets older, the good news is that he'll sleep less so you could have more time with him. The bad news is, you'll be working in the evenings, so it won't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. No, my husband doesn't want to stay home. He's an attorney as well so I get not wanting a gap, and honestly I'm hoping he makes the switch to private practice at some point.

For those who do a couple of late nights - do you find it challenging to work straight through? I feel like my mental stamina is not what it was. Though that may be from not sleeping as much as I once did . . .

So who is going to take care of your kid?

Obviously she’s hoping to switch who is in the 9-5 and who is getting ground up in biglaw.

How is that obvious? OP says she can't afford to quit and doesn't seem to be making any moves to moving out of biglaw. Just complaining about how much work biglaw money is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters who started off with a baby in biglaw and transitioned to another position -- ignore the posters who are making you feel bad about how important this time is. The truth is the important time will be the years your child remembers as they grow into adulthood -- when they look back on their childhood, were you never there or were you? Before 5ish is the time to have this kind of job. the problem is that the job doesn't change then either.

+1
Once the baby gets older, the good news is that he'll sleep less so you could have more time with him. The bad news is, you'll be working in the evenings, so it won't matter.

I agree but that is why she may want to lean in more now, save money and build her professional reputation, so that she can get a great job that has fewer hours and more flexibility once her kid(s) are older.

[Anonymous]

OP I was in your shoes and it drastically improved when I got a live in nanny. It isn’t cheap but compared to the quality of life increase it is 100% worth it. I still was doing a lot but I cut out daycare drop off, and if the baby was up all night I could hand her off to the nanny. She also helped with food and laundry. Most importantly it allowed me 20 minutes to an hour here or there to take a bath by myself, or nap, without relying on my husband. Please consider it, especially ideal when you have one baby.

Also, I realize a lot of men are uncomfortable with an older lady nanny living with them, but if you can just say let’s try it out and see, they will quickly see the benefits.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a baby in BigLaw right now, and I want to echo the advice that sounded right to me: 1) don't worry about emails from 5-7. You could be in a meeting, you could be on your commute, you could be working on another deliverable. There are plenty of reasons not to respond to an email immediately. If you are getting "bumped" emails from a client, you may want to make it a habit to respond "received" or "will circle back by 9pm" or something so they know they're not sending questions into a black hole.

You mention debt, and you mention anxiety. Maybe these are not tied together for you, but they were for me. When I paid off my student loans a lot of my anxiety at work diminished. When we refinanced our mortgage so that it could be handled on my DH's (lower, fed) salary, my anxiety diminished even moreso. If this is not a correlation for you, ignore me. But if you have anxiety around financial security, I would not switch to an amazing, expensive nanny to simplify your life. I'd double and triple down on paying off the debt and then see how that feels. Without that hanging over your head you may feel comfortable leaning out or starting your own practice or going in house.

Agree you should do drop off, DH does pick up, and you pick 2 nights a week to work late and straight through. You'll be more productive and feel more steady on your feet.

You're hitting your billable targets for a bonus with a new baby. You're doing a great job at work. Don't feel like you're not handling it, because you are. It's just hard, especially right now while baby is so little.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who said DH needs to do way more. And I will repeat it again. Why is it the mom who’s on dcum trying to fix this? He needs to take responsibility for 95% - and if he doesn’t want to do all that himself (and of course I don’t blame him), HE needs to figure out how to outsource.

That’s what women in his position do all the damn time, and they usually don’t even have to be asked. OP is bearing the mental load, and she shouldn’t be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who said DH needs to do way more. And I will repeat it again. Why is it the mom who’s on dcum trying to fix this? He needs to take responsibility for 95% - and if he doesn’t want to do all that himself (and of course I don’t blame him), HE needs to figure out how to outsource.

That’s what women in his position do all the damn time, and they usually don’t even have to be asked. OP is bearing the mental load, and she shouldn’t be.

Normally I would agree with you but her concerns are almost entirely centered around work. She's not saying she's coming home to a filthy house and having to make all the meals, she's literally asking for tips about getting emails from clients during the time she's blocked out for her baby. There's nothing in the question that points to a failure on her DH's part to step up, it's all about setting and defending boundaries at work.

[Anonymous]

I do not recommend going part time at a law firm unless you have a deal where if your billables are over a certain amount, you get paid more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not recommend going part time at a law firm unless you have a deal where if your billables are over a certain amount, you get paid more.

Yes, a true-up is a must have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^and was doing my dream job, that took me my whole adult life to get. And I'm ok with it.

Me too. I gave up a great NGO job to be a SAHM and that's been terrific for me and my family. But it only worked b/c DH is a BigLaw partner. And because I really am happy being a domestic goddess. That's not possible or desirable for everyone. OP's financial situation wouldn't allow it at this time and it doesn't seem to be what she wants her life to look like. That's OK because we're all free to be you and me.

OP, it will get easier. Have DH do pick-ups. Pay off your debt. Then -- together -- figure out what you want your lives to look like, what's important to you as a couple and family, and how to get there. Do keep in mind that, as other PPs have noted, nobody remembers who tucked them in when they were 18-months-old. But as kids get older, your presence is more important -- not only at special events, but also just as someone who listens to them and sees who they are. (I'm saying this as the parent of kids who are no in their late teens and early 20s.

To all of you younger women -- and men who might be on this board -- good luck and don't be so hard on yourselves. Nobody's the perfect parent or the perfect lawyer. Run your own race and give yourselves a break.

[Anonymous]

You need a short term plan to figure out how to get some immediate relief, and a longer term exit strategy, which is a good idea anyway because it is very unlikely you'll make partner.

I'm really glad I stuck it out in BigLaw through my two kids. It was super tough at the time (and my DH was also in BigLaw at the same time, so double stress) but it really allowed us to build a solid financial foundation, and gave me the skills and experience that allowed me to transition to well-paid but more flexible jobs after. Now my oldest is a senior in high school, and it was a great feeling to be able to tell him he could go to the college of his choice, without having to worry about the finances. We are able to help our aging parents financially, and we look forward to a comfortable retirement. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids, and their many years in daycare, aftercare, and summer camps did not harm them in any way. I still work hard, but have a lot of flexibility in my day, and now that my kids are older, I find I am able to focus on my career in a way that I hadn't since I was in my twenties, and am really enjoying it.

One added bonus that I never fully appreciated but I am able to see now with the benefit of hindsight. Having to work closely with my DH to balance work and childcare really made our marriage stronger. We are truly equal partners, and he is a great dad with very strong bonds with our kids. There was no "default parent" in our house -- we both rowed hard with both oars and made sacrifices along the way. If you are lucky enough to have a spouse who really supports you and wants to be a hands-on parent, you can absolutely make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. No, my husband doesn't want to stay home. He's an attorney as well so I get not wanting a gap, and honestly I'm hoping he makes the switch to private practice at some point.

For those who do a couple of late nights - do you find it challenging to work straight through? I feel like my mental stamina is not what it was. Though that may be from not sleeping as much as I once did . . .

So who is going to take care of your kid?

Obviously she’s hoping to switch who is in the 9-5 and who is getting ground up in biglaw.

OP. This. I might have sounded like an asshole with this, but DH has done biglaw before and handled it much better than I am. His field is generally a little more humane than mine as well, so his hours were typically 9-7. The earlier poster about anxiety making me not the best fit is not wrong and I think he handles the stress better. That said, while the $ is obviously nice, we can live off of us both having 9-5s once debt is paid so while switching our current roles would be nice, it's not something that has to happen if I can make it through another year.