Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an older mom - we all thought we were breaking ground in getting the ability to work part-time in law. It was unheard of at the time. But now it seems like the young lawyer moms don’t really want to take that path, which is a little disappointing. The long hours in law really only started after women entered the profession, and part-time isn’t really part-time in the law anyways.

I went to 60% with first-born, then increased to 80% about a year after third-born was born. Now I work in-house, full-time. I will never regret taking that time with my kids.

The law is a grind - a marathon, not a sprint. Remember that as you make your decisions. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do.

We don’t trust the firm to really respect that it’s part time. We see the lack of central planning at the firm—they don’t really seem to ever know who is being overworked and who needs more work. The client needs come first, not the deal they cut with me, a new mom.

Firms will respect your part-time status in terms of the amount of work they expect you to do -- they just won't promote you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically what the title says. I've been back at work a couple of months now. It's hard. I expected it to be hard, but the total lack of any free time and sleep is killing me. Yes I'm browsing this board (my kid is asleep in my arms and I'm waiting a few minutes to transfer to the crib) but in general my day is: spend a couple of hours with the baby in the morning (this part is great), go to work, leave early to pick up kid from daycare and avoid glares from colleagues who are junior to me but still feel comfortable enough to be assholes, have like 30 minutes at home with baby before bed time, work 7-12, shower and go to bed (thank sweet Jesus baby is a good sleeper), repeat. The number of demanding "I need this right now" emails between 5-7 drive me insane with anxiety. DH works a 9-5 and does probably 80% of housework, so that's thankfully something I don't really need to worry about, but still I'm so overwhelmed always being on call.

I can't afford to quit (I make a lot more than him and still have a good chunk of debt). How do people do this? You can leave snarky comments if you want, whatever, but if you have actual advice please lay it on me because I feel like I'm losing my shit.

It is tough.

At Freddie Mac they will fire people and replace them with guest workers.

Brutal , unless you are part of the same “tribe”

[Anonymous]

Big Law wife here:
Hire more help. Daycare will be ok for awhile but right now you are going on adrenaline. It doesn’t get better in the office, it gets worse. You are an associate, then a senior associate, then a junior partner then you are 38 and your kid is 10. In the meantime you have worked MANY hours.
I’m not saying quit but to make it work you need to outsource a lot. You will need a nanny who drives and is very responsible.
I did it all with twins and I can’t remember the years between 1.5 and 6 except I cried from exhaustion a lot. My DH was very supportive but every hour with the family was one away from work. BigLaw is very demanding.
You are smart to pay down your debt a that gives you options. The baby will not remember anything of those younger years. It’s when they are older that the need the YOU in you. You are smart to plan. If both of you are in BigLaw your kids going to be raised by the nanny. There are only so many hours in a day.

[Anonymous]

I never wanted a nanny until about 15 minutes after the first one arrived. I've had one ever since and it has kept us sane.

It's not that they do this specific thing or that specific thing, it's that there is someone else to help when needed. Need to take an email, there is someone there to pick up the slack. Need to take a call, they can hold the baby.

FWIW I was at Big Law and after my second arrived we had my nanny live-in and my husband working from home so I could push for promotion. I billed well over 2,200 hours and spearheaded a major deal, but they still let me go due to a "firm-wide restructuring". Pricks. I'm now 9-6 inhouse and have a much better quality of life.

[Anonymous]

I was a Big Law attorney and experienced the same. Until I moved in-house. I'd recommend the same. You'll trade off some salary (and maybe clout/prestige), but the family-related (and personal) gains are priceless. I really don't think a firm could pay me enough to return to that rat race.

[Anonymous]

Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I may be the only woman willing to say this, but I agree -- that's why the whole system should change. I think this is what other PPs mean when they say that it won't get better for women until men start to want/expect/demand flexibility, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

About 11 months! Minimum payment is less, but I try to dump in as much as I can.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for all of the advice/supportive comments. I'm still working through them.

Want to note one thing - I have no desire to make partner. Zero. I want to pay back my loans and learn as much as I can before going to the next thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all of the advice/supportive comments. I'm still working through them.

Want to note one thing - I have no desire to make partner. Zero. I want to pay back my loans and learn as much as I can before going to the next thing.

keep your eye on the prize lady. do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

I'm overly posting at this point.
We do need to teach our kids about financial realism. I turned down loans when I was in grad school b/c they seemed like poor investments and because I was from poverty it never would have every occurred to me that I would ever make 7K a month much less be able to pay that back! of course now I make an embarrassing amount of money but pass that on OP.