Daughter is daughter for life... son until marriage

[Anonymous]

My DIL was raised by parents who were both traumatized themselves and abusive to their daughter. The fallout is that she's fanatically devoted to them, although they continue to mistreat her.

Our son remains close to us. We've done our best to be kind to DIL, but we don't see that much of her. She's very anxious, and I think feels uncomfortable and unsafe around us. I attribute her sense of unsafety to projection of her experience with her own family.

My other son and his wife have an unremarkable relationship with us. We all get along fine.

So maybe this support's OP's premise.

Yes, I do wonder what I did to my son that led to his choice of a partner who's so troubled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you find this statement to be true ?

Untrue. Looking at my sibs, we all moved away for college, moved again for jobs, got married, have own families and obligations. Each of us makes efforts to see the parents and each other, and coordinate summer, Xmas or spring break family tips when we can.

The daughters and sons put their nuclear families first. No one is excessively chitchatting daily with mom. And mom and dad are now in their 70s having a blast- travel, visit grandchildren, help their adult kids with moves or watching the grandkids, get together with friends, teach a few classes, and play some sports.

FWIW we are American and christian. Perhaps that’s what drives it. Leave the nest, take care of yourself attitude. Plus parents who don’t want to be burdens [/[b]b]on their adult kids for as long as possible.

Their 80s are approaching and in general the 80s is much different from 70s. This will be a big test on your sibling relationships as some will step up and some won’t. You will be surprised. Your plans for elder care don’t usually follow the original plan. Your parents will need you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL attempted to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mainly, after we got married, she saw me as a threat. I came at the relationship wanting to join families and make one big happier family. She saw any time spent with my family as time SHE didn't get. Bean counting, snarky remarks, etc.

So yeah, guess who we pulled away from?

If you come at new relationships with an open mind and with love and kindness being your guide, you shouldn't have these issues. I know if she'd been more open minded and willing to embrace me instead of battle me things would be a lot different now.

My MIL was this way too. My husband was in the role of "man of the house" growing up (and not because he wanted to be, but because she was not a stable, functional adult and essentially forced him to take on the role of the parent). When it became clear he was serious about me, she basically treated me like I was competition for years - lots of snippy, bitchy remarks under her breath when visiting, trying to get him to leave me behind for holidays, underhanded "compliments" about my body, the whole deal.

I am sure she regrets it now. Her son has no interest in sharing kid updates, scheduling visits, or even just chatting her up when she's lonely or bored. And I sure as heck am not going to make the effort for someone who deliberately made my life miserable for years.

I am so, so determined not to make the same mistakes with my own son.

I'm the PP you quoted and YES TO THE BOLD. I have even started a google doc for notes about how I want to be different haha. I don't want to forget these feelings of being the young DIL with a domineering and sort of mean MIL. I want to foster the best relationship I can. It doesn't have to be best friends (I don't think that's realistic) but I want it to have mutual love and respect. I hope I can have confidence in my kid's choices of partners, even if it differs from how I see their lives playing out, and accept and LOVE my new kids-in-law. I've seen my own mother do this so well, so I have a good guide. She still manages to ruffle my brother's wife's feathers here of there, but mostly they have a lot of love and respect for each other and a very positive relationship.