Daughter is daughter for life... son until marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother doted on my Mom. I’d say he was 50-50 to both MIL and Mom. My DH’s Mom has passed away so all Mom all the time (my side).
I have 2 DDs.

Also my Dad was super close to his Mom but both Northern European immigrants so only had each other here to talk about “back home.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son will be son for life. Mama will be there for him.

Oooooooh, yeah, Mama. Right there. Right. THERE. Oh, yeah. YES, be there for me, Mama. Be THERRREEughghghgghhhh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you find this statement to be true ?

Untrue. Looking at my sibs, we all moved away for college, moved again for jobs, got married, have own families and obligations. Each of us makes efforts to see the parents and each other, and coordinate summer, Xmas or spring break family tips when we can.

The daughters and sons put their nuclear families first. No one is excessively chitchatting daily with mom. And mom and dad are now in their 70s having a blast- travel, visit grandchildren, help their adult kids with moves or watching the grandkids, get together with friends, teach a few classes, and play some sports.

FWIW we are American and christian. Perhaps that’s what drives it. Leave the nest, take care of yourself attitude. Plus parents who don’t want to be burdens on their adult kids for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s review: if this is true, it’s a reflection of who YOUR SON is, not who your DIL is.

My brother was not into birthdays, holidays, phone calls or general family closeness in his 20s and beyond. So it’s not like that had anything to do with “taking a wife” in his 30s.

And even if a guy is close to his family, but that changes after he marries? That’s. On. Him.

Or, more precisely, it's a reflection of the son's relationship with his mother.

Wrong.

Like father, like son.

Some women may runaround doing everything whilst their husband works soooooo hard at the office and golfing. But don’t think for a minute once pampered sonny boy marries he doesn’t turn into what his father was. Times are changing so these sons will have it tough to reinvent themselves as real spouses and parents.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all true in my family or DH’s. Seems like a relic of the past.

It's a relic of human nature. Even if it's not true in your family, isn't rather obvious in the grand scheme of things that adult women tend to remain closer to their families than men do?

Spoken like another ignorant American.

This is an AMERICAN thing. I'm Asian and my DH, brothers, extended family....all of the men are close to their parents.

My observation living in the US is that nearly all of your families are broken, dysfunctional, and fractured. Sons and daughters. Probably why so many of you have to fill your bodies with antidepressants and anxiety meds. Life is not easy when you don't have a tight knit family for support. I consider my DHs family my family too.. life is much easier when you have dozens of people you can lean on when needed.

You sound very needy and subservient. Must be a cultural thing?

NP, but as a Vietnamese-American with a Vietnamese mom and an American (GI) dad, you must not know many Asian women, LOL!??

Come visit our extended family in Turkey. You’d think it was an unmediated constant soap opera of drama. But oh yes, we’re close! Physically, proximity, daily contact, everyone in everyone’s business, divorces, stealing inheritances, etc. So close.... for no reason other than blood and jokes growing up. And iron fist mama.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It has to do with the truth that women, not men, shape families and households, and all things being equal, a woman will be closer to her own mother than to her MIL. Add the truth that access to grandchildren is granted through their mother, and there you have it.

It is unfortunately true in very traditional or less educated families.

Exactly. Not all of us are stuck in 1950, thanks.

LOL right, that's exactly the reason why all the UMC, graduate-degreed ladies in the Expectant Mothers forum are like, I don't want my MIL in the L&D room or in my house after the birth, I want my mooooom. Because we are all exactly just as close our MILs as we are to our own mother. Sure. You bet. No difference at all.

Let’s see. I know my mom for 35 years, 18 of which we lived in the same house. I’ve know my MIL and FIL for 3 years and have seen them 3x a year for 3-10 days each time. We’re all close enough but they are from another country and lived very simple lives so can’t relate to our jobs, our houses, our schedules.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and FIL always say this. They are also really sexist and raised their daughter to be a Daddy’s girl type. They always give priority to DH’s sister and her family. They go to visit her more often. She decides when and where all family functions and reunions are, without consulting anyone else. They give her and her family Christmas gifts, but they don’t do the same for DH and his brother and kids. They told us we are not “gift people” and then went into detail about what they got their daughter’s kids. They are the ones perpetuating this dumb stereotype and pushing away their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It has to do with the truth that women, not men, shape families and households, and all things being equal, a woman will be closer to her own mother than to her MIL. Add the truth that access to grandchildren is granted through their mother, and there you have it.

+1

My husband is welcome to send pics, facetime, call his parents, organize a visit, do the craft project with the kids to send them, take the time to share the stories about them etc with his family. He chooses not to. This has nothing to do with what I choose or don't choose to do with my own mother. I'm not controlling access, his parents just failed to raise him to care and they all just hoped I'd take on the responsibility of maintaining an adult relationship vs a one way parent / child relationship

Same here. I never ever block access, I never say no to visits, but I also don't lift a finger to set anything up and I don't send photos or updates. I am not responsible for maintaining that relationship and my husband doesn't seem to miss his parents or care about sharing information with them.

I just can't imagine if people put the same expectations on men. He never reaches out to my parents, never coordinates visits, never sends a pic, never shares funny stories, and only hangs out with him for a portion of the time that they visit. Is he "with holding acess" to our kids or controlling my relationship with my parents??

THIS. So much this. If I didn’t keep in touch with my parents/side of the family they would blame me, not DH. But ILs automatically blame the son’s wife- it is a Major theme of this board.

And it's quite weird when you think about it. Why would a DIL who is new to the family be responsible for communication between mother and son? Imagine getting married and ringing up your MIL and telling her you are ringing to catch up for her son, wouldn't she be thinking, why isn't my son calling me, the DIL would then get the blame for being interferring and weird. I guess as a DIL you can't win.

No one ever thinks that the husband has a role to play between the mother and daughter. Things have changed, women now work and they don't have as much time to devote to keeping everyone updated. If the mother and son have a good healthy relationship prior to marriage then that will remain. Things don't go south just because of a new marriage, there was probably always some dysfunction to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all true in my family or DH’s. Seems like a relic of the past.

It's a relic of human nature. Even if it's not true in your family, isn't rather obvious in the grand scheme of things that adult women tend to remain closer to their families than men do?

Spoken like another ignorant American.

This is an AMERICAN thing. I'm Asian and my DH, brothers, extended family....all of the men are close to their parents.

My observation living in the US is that nearly all of your families are broken, dysfunctional, and fractured. Sons and daughters. Probably why so many of you have to fill your bodies with antidepressants and anxiety meds. Life is not easy when you don't have a tight knit family for support. I consider my DHs family my family too.. life is much easier when you have dozens of people you can lean on when needed.

You sound very needy and subservient. Must be a cultural thing?[/quote]

NP, but as a Vietnamese-American with a Vietnamese mom and an American (GI) dad, you must not know many Asian women, LOL!??

NP the asian girls at work are very close to their own families and their in-laws. In fact they have very little say in the run of their own lives. Where they live, what house to buy, what car to buy, taking care of children is heavily influenced by all the parents ie the parents tell them what to do. They must go to dinner numerous times a week to each family, they must obey what their parents decide.

Sometimes having plenty of hands available can be helpful and sometimes it can be suffocating. Whilst they all say how great it is, I do wonder what it would be like going through life with no responsibility because your parents are there to make every decision for you. But then again one told me she was pregnant with a baby in her belly, so maybe it just keeps you infantile through life.

You're nuts. You make this assessment because you "work with some Asian girls"?

I'm an Asian dentist that owns my own private practice. I employ 3 dentists, 1 orthodontist, more than a dozen hygienists, and a handful of back office personnel.

Yes. I am very close to my parents and in laws. Yes they put me through dental school and spend hundreds of thousands on me. Yes, they watch my 3 children while DH and I work because we don't believe in strangers raising our kids. No, my parents don't tell me what to do and when to eat. I'm a business owner and am lucky to wat dinner at all. I have lots and lots of successful Asian colleagues who are also leaders in thr medical field and I can assure you we dont take orders, but we do give orders to a lot of Americans

Great. You are pretty much saying the same story to me, the girls at work also got money from their parents to buy their houses, however the parents were heavily involved in the buying process. They all live near one another, within 5 minutes. They also don't believe in strangers raising their children so their mothers watch their children as well and have a say in that process. They are very close to their parents as well. Yeah all the same thing and I bet you eat dinner with them each week, every week.

I'm glad you give orders to a lot of Americans wink, how special of you.

American families are often more independent which of course can sometimes be dysfunctional and sometimes be loving and caring. Asian families and Latino families are different and not as independent. Just because you are in each others business all day every day doesn't make it healthy or loving. It can be great such as in your family or it can be dysfunctional. How many toxic Asian mother in law threads have we seen on this forum.

I find the posters who come here claiming that their culture is so much better are quite ignorant, no matter how much education you have you can still be dumb in other ways. There are dysfunctional families in every culture and I was originally replying to the obnoxious poster who stated that nearly all families in the US are fractured and broken. How utterly ridiculous.

Then there was the comment that the poster appeared quite subservient which was responded with you must not know many Asian women. Well I guess I thought Asian's were expected to respect their elders, certainly the people I know live by this idea and do appear to be subservient to their parents, they are suppose to listen to their parents and be guided by them. This is coming from them, not something I am making up.

I just think it's ridiculous to put all people in a box and say this is what it is like. All cultures have close and loving families and all cultures have dysfunctional families. If you think your way is better good for you, but the way the post was written was obnoxious and quite vile in it's nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to do with the truth that women, not men, shape families and households, and all things being equal, a woman will be closer to her own mother than to her MIL. Add the truth that access to grandchildren is granted through their mother, and there you have it.

It is unfortunately true in very traditional or less educated families.

Exactly. Not all of us are stuck in 1950, thanks.

LOL right, that's exactly the reason why all the UMC, graduate-degreed ladies in the Expectant Mothers forum are like, I don't want my MIL in the L&D room or in my house after the birth, I want my mooooom. Because we are all exactly just as close our MILs as we are to our own mother. Sure. You bet. No difference at all.

Let’s see. I know my mom for 35 years, 18 of which we lived in the same house. I’ve know my MIL and FIL for 3 years and have seen them 3x a year for 3-10 days each time. We’re all close enough but they are from another country and lived very simple lives so can’t relate to our jobs, our houses, our schedules.

Thanks for making my point.

[Anonymous]

My MIL attempted to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mainly, after we got married, she saw me as a threat. I came at the relationship wanting to join families and make one big happier family. She saw any time spent with my family as time SHE didn't get. Bean counting, snarky remarks, etc.

So yeah, guess who we pulled away from?

If you come at new relationships with an open mind and with love and kindness being your guide, you shouldn't have these issues. I know if she'd been more open minded and willing to embrace me instead of battle me things would be a lot different now.

[Anonymous]

I agree that women are the de facto family managers and not DHs. However, I recognize that DH like most men doesn't prioritize sending pictures etc to his parents, so I do it. It's not difficult. We have a WhatsApp group with both sets of parents that I send everything to.

We do live closer to my parents but that could change - we would never not move for a job bc of the fact that we live close to my parents. I also only have sons, and I am okay with not being at the grandchildren's birth, not being so involved in planning a wedding etc. I definitely expect a relationship with my adult sons though, and I have to say this board really freaks me out. Most families I know don't only socialize with the wife's family and ruthlessly cut out the husbands!

[Anonymous]

This is timely! We are having this issue right now. No time with the Grandkids because they spend all holidays with the DIL's family!

[Anonymous]

It completely depends on the individual and the relationship with the parents. But I find women to be more nurturing and very often they shoulder the hardest task of elderly care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is timely! We are having this issue right now. No time with the Grandkids because they spend all holidays with the DIL's family!

Well, your son sucks. Sorry 'bout that.

If I told my husband we'd be with my family for holidays, he'd laugh in my face and say "Hell no." And he's as mild-mannered and go-along-to-get-along as they come. He defers to me in a lot of ways, but if I tried to pull this, he'd firmly say no, and he'd make arrangements for holiday visits, etc.

Sorry that your son is such a wimp that he doesn't stand up to her, or that he doesn't care about you to the point where it's not even a point of contention that she wants to spend holidays with only her family.