Daughter is daughter for life... son until marriage

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters- yes women seem to be (unfairly) expected to maintain ties with ILs and pick up the slack for their DHs- some women do it, others don’t.

I would mention this goes both ways- for example if ILs expect this, then they shouldn’t favor their DDs/DDs families.

My ILs pretty much plan around their daughters (2) and then tell DH/us the plan when it is already decided. MIL and SILs (her daughters) decide everything without consulting us or ever asking what does and doesn’t work for us.

I find my ILs want it both ways- they want me to communicate with them as a daughter would (to cover for their lazy son) yet don’t give me the same courtesy as a they might a daughter (and I am talking basic plans making logistics, nothing intimate)

[Anonymous]

No my experience. We spend most all holidays with my inlaws. My DH is one of 4, he has 2 brothers and a sister. We all live local. There are cousins everywhere. His parents still live in their large family home. My kids look forward to family time there. We see his family way more than mine. Plus my mom is all drama, so I keep at a cautious distance. My siblings have even spent the holidays with my inlaws. Nothing better than a big loving family. You get out what you put in and my inlaws have done a great job keeping their family unit together.

And yes, I communicate with my MIL. And she even allows "randoms" at her dinner table

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe if you were a better MIL who wasn't possessive and learned how to cut the cord and get over oedipus complex, then you would have a better relationship with your son post his marriage and actually (shocker) *gain* family members!!!!

[Anonymous]

This to me smacks of old school thinking. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes some sons are close to their moms, but as a general tendency it's fair to say that the wife's parents have more access.

BUT that does not mean the husband's parents have no access or relationship with the grandkids, DIL, or their own son. Come on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, if anything I preferred my mil to my own family.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This to me smacks of old school thinking. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes some sons are close to their moms, but as a general tendency it's fair to say that the wife's parents have more access.

BUT that does not mean the husband's parents have no access or relationship with the grandkids, DIL, or their own son. Come on!

I don't think it's even fair to say "access." Do I call and FT my parents more, and the kids participate in those conversations? Yes, absolutely. Doesn't mean the other grandparents don't have the same "access." The son they raised isn't big on phone calls, and they seem to think the phone doesn't ring both ways. They think as "elders" they should be called, that they shouldn't have to call.

Well, the son you raised doesn't call you. If you want to FT with your grandkids more, pick up the damn phone and call.

No one is blocking "access."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all true in my family or DH’s. Seems like a relic of the past.

It's a relic of human nature. Even if it's not true in your family, isn't rather obvious in the grand scheme of things that adult women tend to remain closer to their families than men do?

No because I don't see this trend among my friends either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL attempted to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mainly, after we got married, she saw me as a threat. I came at the relationship wanting to join families and make one big happier family. She saw any time spent with my family as time SHE didn't get. Bean counting, snarky remarks, etc.

So yeah, guess who we pulled away from?

If you come at new relationships with an open mind and with love and kindness being your guide, you shouldn't have these issues. I know if she'd been more open minded and willing to embrace me instead of battle me things would be a lot different now.

My MIL was this way too. My husband was in the role of "man of the house" growing up (and not because he wanted to be, but because she was not a stable, functional adult and essentially forced him to take on the role of the parent). When it became clear he was serious about me, she basically treated me like I was competition for years - lots of snippy, bitchy remarks under her breath when visiting, trying to get him to leave me behind for holidays, underhanded "compliments" about my body, the whole deal.

I am sure she regrets it now. Her son has no interest in sharing kid updates, scheduling visits, or even just chatting her up when she's lonely or bored. And I sure as heck am not going to make the effort for someone who deliberately made my life miserable for years.

I am so, so determined not to make the same mistakes with my own son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are no longer the most important woman in your son’s life. You remain the most important woman in your daughters life.

Daughter here. Sorry not true.

But even it were, what does that suggest about women's relationships with their fathers after they marry?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t seen this to be the case. When my grandma was really sick, it was my dad, not my aunt (his sister), who did 95% of the caregiving. He had helped move her to be close to us as she aged.

Also, my DH is much closer to his mom than his SIL. SIL has her own demons to battle and often misses family holidays. Whereas we live local to my in-laws and see them often. DH is also close with my parents. He basically considers them mom and dad #2.

I think there are plenty of men out there who continue to value family as they get older. I am a mom of boys and hope to maintain a close relationship as they grow. But I also understand they will (hopefully) find loving life partners someday and that relationship will take precedent. I just hope I can have a positive relationship with their spouses and try to be a good MIL who is welcomed (unlike some of these monster in law stories floating around DCUM).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are no longer the most important woman in your son’s life. You remain the most important woman in your daughters life.

LOL, what?

[Anonymous]

In both my family and DHs- son vs daughter makes little difference. It is based on the relationship between the “adult child” and parents and the rest of the married child’s family follow suit. So parents see far more of the “kids” they have a good relationship with- and those grandkids as well.

Personally I think a big part of it is that women tend to “work out” problems with their parents over time and men....don’t.

I do think maternal grandparents are favored a bit during weddings/pregnancy/newborn type stages- all things being equal. But not beyond that.

It’s all about the relationships IMO

[Anonymous]

I don't find it to be true. It is a reflection of the mother-son relationship that has been cultivated-or not-prior to DIL entering the picture. I know many sons who are close.

My MIL shouted at me while we dated because she thinks it is the DIL's responsibility to maintain family relationships. I told her she was mistaken. Everyone is responsible for their own, regardless of gender.

She is verbally abusive and they've never been close. That is why he dgaf and only sees her as she's the gatekeeper to his grandfather. He doesn't respond to her texts much, either. I only ly reply in a group chat. Things were iffy but really soured when she told him BIL's wife and I were only good for incubating her grandchildren.

We used to split holidays but they are exclusively with my family now. His choice. I've mutually adopted my cousin's MIL and some single longtime male friends' mothers to shower with affection instead. They're kind and actually interested in a positive relationship, unlike my technical MIL. They also have good relationships with their sons and daughters post-marriage.

Fwiw, he said he'd be fine with my parents moving in but not his own mother, who recently announced that was her intention. We did try for at least a civil relationship for nearly a decade. You reap what you sow, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL attempted to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mainly, after we got married, she saw me as a threat. I came at the relationship wanting to join families and make one big happier family. She saw any time spent with my family as time SHE didn't get. Bean counting, snarky remarks, etc.

So yeah, guess who we pulled away from?

If you come at new relationships with an open mind and with love and kindness being your guide, you shouldn't have these issues. I know if she'd been more open minded and willing to embrace me instead of battle me things would be a lot different now.

My MIL was this way too. My husband was in the role of "man of the house" growing up (and not because he wanted to be, but because she was not a stable, functional adult and essentially forced him to take on the role of the parent). When it became clear he was serious about me, she basically treated me like I was competition for years - lots of snippy, bitchy remarks under her breath when visiting, trying to get him to leave me behind for holidays, underhanded "compliments" about my body, the whole deal.

I am sure she regrets it now. Her son has no interest in sharing kid updates, scheduling visits, or even just chatting her up when she's lonely or bored. And I sure as heck am not going to make the effort for someone who deliberately made my life miserable for years.

I am so, so determined not to make the same mistakes with my own son.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with previous posters- yes women seem to be (unfairly) expected to maintain ties with ILs and pick up the slack for their DHs- some women do it, others don’t.

I would mention this goes both ways- for example if ILs expect this, then they shouldn’t favor their DDs/DDs families.

My ILs pretty much plan around their daughters (2) and then tell DH/us the plan when it is already decided. MIL and SILs (her daughters) decide everything without consulting us or ever asking what does and doesn’t work for us.

I find my ILs want it both ways- they want me to communicate with them as a daughter would (to cover for their lazy son) yet don’t give me the same courtesy as a they might a daughter (and I am talking basic plans making logistics, nothing intimate)

Why did you marry a lazy man. That’s on you not MIL.