Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for everyone’s input. I apologized that night and we had a long discussion about her goals. Yes, there is something to the fact I underachieved academically, so I’m pushing harder than my parents did.

I know you don’t know me, so assume the worst. I’m a very chill momma. Trust that I’m following her goals with guidance. I’m so not the type looking to relive myself in my kids. They all have their unique paths.

I should have stated clearly, the 84 was extremely upsetting to her. She understands the stakes.

For all y’all staring it’s crazy for a kid to manage her future, I assume you haven’t switched to them waking their own butts up using an alarm clock. At some point, you guide and let go.

I have a 9, 13, &18 year old. All 3 wake themselves up with an alarm. The 9yr old is downstairs, dressed and ready for breakfast by 6:55.

You are not chill. You are the very definition of an overbearing parent. Hopefully your daughter will survive you with only minor damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She’s highly competitive in all things. This is just her. I don’t think you all get this kid, she has to win.

She knows when she fails. She’s the kid studying for hours on her own because she wants the best grade.

There’s no pressure. She’s internally motivated. That damn 84 was jarring. She just screwed up. She’s used to 96 in everything. Does that make more sense? To her, it’s like an F.

Where I screwed up is not keeping cool. Saying it’s just one test. To be honest, it’s never just one test. She got it.

Yea, we get it. She's trying to please her overbearing, intensely critical smother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Go Nats! I’m sure their parents held them back. Funny, isn’t it watching the best of the best.

To play at that level requires a parent who believed in you, your talent and lots and lots of practice.

And telling you an 84 B is not going to get you where you want to go.

No hun, it takes talent. God given talent.

I have a 19yr old at MIT. I never managed his grades, didn't use spreadsheets, wasn't involved with his homework.

My 8th grade he was being bussed to the high school for math. By 10th grade he was DE in college for math and physics. We were faced with the decision to allow him to graduate high school at 15 or slow roll school. We slow rolled school for his social growth. He could talk circles around DH and I before be was legally allowed to drive a car. I did not have to wring my hands over 84s because my academically gifted child didn't bring home 84s and if he did he would have moved on with life. As would I because my child is not defined by his academic excellence. There is more to him than his achievements at school.

He was born this way. Elite Athletes are also born this way and have a internal love for the game. Not all parents ride their kids like a rented mule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Just stop. Your story morphed when you received negative feedback. No one here is going to give you the validation you desperately seek.

It’s always a unique ride on DCUM. I’m by no means a perfect nor great mom. The vitriol here is beyond ridiculous. I’m not seeking validation. I was seeking input. Trying to balance things over here.

I’m not the only mom with a kid who strives independently. She wants to crush everything.

My vulnerable part - can she do it? We are good. Honestly, this thread was the best ever. She can do it.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

You are not chill. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all parents ride their kids like a rented mule.

OP will never get it. Troll,perhaps? Troll, hopefully!

[Anonymous]

Your daughter isn't going to make it if you keep this up.

It sounds like she doesn't have what it takes to be part of the 5% to make it in to an elite college nowadays.

That HAS to be ok with you because that's reality.

You have to accept it or you're going to drive her to really unhealthy behaviors. People commit suicide over things like this.

[Anonymous]

If you're forcing her to input her grades into an Excel spreadsheet and giving her a hard time when she gets an 84, sending her into a tizzy, then she is not crushing jack, she is not excelling on her own, she is NOT DRIVING THIS BUS.

My god you are dense.

[Anonymous]

Is your daughter hooked OP?

If she is not, it will still be a crap shoot with perfect grades and perfect SAT scores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Go Nats! I’m sure their parents held them back. Funny, isn’t it watching the best of the best.

To play at that level requires a parent who believed in you, your talent and lots and lots of practice.

And telling you an 84 B is not going to get you where you want to go.

I work with a guy whose son pitches against Bryce Harper in high school in travel ball. His son had a full ride scholarship to a great school. His son quit baseball as a Junior because he burned out. Elite level talent who got so tired of the sport that he dropped out, gave up a full ride scholarship and a shot at professional baseball.

The key to dealing with a child, any child, is finding the balance between helping them achieve their dreams and still enjoy the things that they love and are strong in. My co-worker will tell you that he should have read the signs when his son was saying he wanted to take summer off from baseball or not joined that elite travel team that took a ton of time. The talent to pitch at a higher level is still there but the enjoyment of the game completely died. His son is successful in a totally different field but doesn't play baseball or rec softball. He has nothing to do with the game.

My concern for any child whose parents are unable to help them find a balance is burn out. It is my concern about the kids who start math tutoring in kindergarten. It is my concern about kids playing travel ball in early elementary school.

You can bet that all of the players in the World Series have worked long and hard and that hard work, combined with their natural talent, is paying off. But there are plenty of people who had the same talent who dropped out because they were burned out. There are your Andre Agassi's who was an amazing tennis player but hated the game until he was in his 30's. He played because he was forced to as a kid and then because he made a ton of money as a young man. He didn't start taking the game seriously until he was older and had time away from his fathers influence. He also is honest about how he hated tennis, ate like crap and experimented with drugs.

Your job is to help your ambitious child find a balance. Entering grades into a spreadsheet is not balance. Not being able to hold it together when she brings home a B is not balance. Reminding her of her goal to attend school X is not balance.

Support her effort by helping her learn to balance study with relaxing.

And for the record, if she is scoring 94-97 on most of her tests she is not going to be the Valedictorian. There are kids scoring perfect scores in her class. And that is ok. And you should be prepping her that there are kids with great grades who don't get accepted at the top schools because there are a lot of kids with top grades, and APs/IBs, and lots of extras and volunteer work. She might be one of the ones who get in but she might not be. That is still a good distance away. But if she is not aware that this is a possible outcome she might be crushed her senior year.

Just like there are tons of elite athletes who work hard, do all the right things, and end up playing Minor League baseball and never make the Majors.

[Anonymous]

I really hope OP is a troll. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Go Nats! I’m sure their parents held them back. Funny, isn’t it watching the best of the best.

To play at that level requires a parent who believed in you, your talent and lots and lots of practice.

And telling you an 84 B is not going to get you where you want to go.

No hun, it takes talent. God given talent.

I have a 19yr old at MIT. I never managed his grades, didn't use spreadsheets, wasn't involved with his homework.

My 8th grade he was being bussed to the high school for math. By 10th grade he was DE in college for math and physics. We were faced with the decision to allow him to graduate high school at 15 or slow roll school. We slow rolled school for his social growth. He could talk circles around DH and I before be was legally allowed to drive a car. I did not have to wring my hands over 84s because my academically gifted child didn't bring home 84s and if he did he would have moved on with life. As would I because my child is not defined by his academic excellence. There is more to him than his achievements at school.

He was born this way. Elite Athletes are also born this way and have a internal love for the game. Not all parents ride their kids like a rented mule.

The real top tier elite athletes are internally driven.

[Anonymous]

I'm a kid of parents who had high expectations. My sister and I both ended up at top 20 research universities for undergrad and grad school, and have enjoyed career success.

However, my parents were never like you, OP. I actually distinctly remember bringing home an 84 on a science test in 7th grade (science was never my strong suit). I FLIPPED out, getting in the car and telling my mom, "I failed the test."

She looked at me and said, "You failed?! What did you get?" I was otherwise a straight A student, so me failing a test would've been really unusual.

When I told her I got an 84 she said, "NEVER say you failed if you got an 84. That's a solid grade. Let's go home and figure out where you got things wrong, and then you should go to the teacher and ask for extra work to help you improve for next time."

That's how to parent. And clearly that 84 didn't stop me from getting into both top research universities I applied to, graduating from one with high honors, and getting my dream job.

Calm down, OP, or your kid is going to develop an ulcer.

[Anonymous]

We tried ,dcum, we tried. OP is so narrow minded that she can't admit she is still doing everything wrong. And all her snarky comments about other' people's parenting show her narrow mindedness. She is in a prison of her own making, and happy because ignorant don't know that they don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope OP is a troll. That poor kid.

Amen! And imagine how sarcastic and nasty op is to her own kid, when she is bad mouthing and can't accept that there are other ways to parent? She failed to see a sliver of what we were trying to impart and came away with most of dcum?! (where many parents are high stung and also want their kids to have great grades, where UMD is considered a ghetto college) are raising kids wrong and allowing them to underachieve!