Separating after 20+ years married. Alimony?

[Anonymous]

Back to the OP. If you are a partner, you know the value of the business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back to the OP. If you are a partner, you know the value of the business.

Shes not a partner, FFS. She probably answered the phone once and ordered some napkins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the OP. If you are a partner, you know the value of the business.

Shes not a partner, FFS. She probably answered the phone once and ordered some napkins.

OP here - trust me , perfect stranger who doesn’t know me, that was not the case. I physically worked at the office and on the phone and email every single day. I know you want to believe I “think” I was involved in he business so you can justify your assumption of what non-full time career wives do. But I don’t fit that stereotype as much as you’d like me to. The stupidest thing I did was not demand a salary and retirement account of my own. I will own up to that. stupidity. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the OP. If you are a partner, you know the value of the business.

Shes not a partner, FFS. She probably answered the phone once and ordered some napkins.

OP here - trust me , perfect stranger who doesn’t know me, that was not the case. I physically worked at the office and on the phone and email every single day. I know you want to believe I “think” I was involved in he business so you can justify your assumption of what non-full time career wives do. But I don’t fit that stereotype as much as you’d like me to. The stupidest thing I did was not demand a salary and retirement account of my own. I will own up to that. stupidity. .

Yeah I mean that’s almost worse. I’m sorry for your situation but damn....

[Anonymous]

Are there any loans against the business? I find it hard to believe a man that has a successful business has no retirement money. He might have hid it through the years knowing he would request a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked all but 2 years of my adult life but I think these anti alimony women are nuts.

Children need their parents time, not shoved off in daycare for 12 hours a day. That means one parent needs to step out of the full rat race. Either DHor I have worked PT since our child was born.

Many high earner men want SAHM wives until they get bored with them. SaHs contribute greatly to a family's well being. The working parent cant try to offload their spouse at almost 60 and get away with it.

OP we. This is my situation. My higher earning DH just wants out. He’s tired of me. And as I’ve said before I did not SAH I was in the office or working remotely every day even when on vacation. I agree with the poster who said maybe I should sue for back wages. But I don’t want to be contentious. I just want to part ways but after all these years and at my age it’s not fair he can retire soon and I have to start all over. Unfortunately we don’t have much assets to split. We poured everything in the business. Which now is doing pretty well. He will continue to reap the steady flow of income and I’m left with very little in form of retirement account etc.

Actually, it sounds like alimony would be counterproductive. Make him buy you out from the business. Start with the premise that it belongs to both of you because it does.

Seriously, you need to see a lawyer. You own 50% of that business - he can’t have it unless he buys you out. That’s not contentious, that’s reality. Also - if you weren’t part owner and a partner in the business - he was breaking all sorts of labor laws by not having you on the books and paying you at least minimum wage. Family businesses are exempt from a lot of regulation because they benefit the family, it’s not intended as a vehicle for modern day slavery.

+1 And right now secure some assets so you can afford a lawyer. It's my understanding that in most states you should be able to draw upon joint assets to pay lawyers, but I know many people who get shut out of accounts by the main earner and then don't have money to pay a retainer to get a lawyer so they can't fight for access to joint assets and get completely screwed by a spouse who can afford the lawyer.

OP, the immediate concern is making sure you have cash to survive until the divorce.

Even if your case is good you could end up forced to settle for a tiny fraction of what you would otherwise because you have no more money for an attorney, you’re tapped out on credit and you need to buy groceries. The window for doing this closing rapidly so get going! Transfer money to an account YOU control, NOW!

How old are your children?

You need to plan how to survive the short term so you can be fine long term. Do not sacrifice your retirement and well being to avoid one bad year finalizing the divorce. The very nature of your situation shows you are not a contentious person - worked for the benefit of the family with nothing in your name, etc. I say this kindly, but from now on if you don’t stand up for yourself NOBODY else will. Your children don’t want to be caught in the middle. You are going to become very bitter if you sacrifice financial security for the rest of your life just so you can have a low conflict divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any loans against the business? I find it hard to believe a man that has a successful business has no retirement money. He might have hid it through the years knowing he would request a divorce.

Good point!

OP, you need a lawyer AND a forensic accountant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the OP. If you are a partner, you know the value of the business.

Shes not a partner, FFS. She probably answered the phone once and ordered some napkins.

OP here - trust me , perfect stranger who doesn’t know me, that was not the case. I physically worked at the office and on the phone and email every single day. I know you want to believe I “think” I was involved in he business so you can justify your assumption of what non-full time career wives do. But I don’t fit that stereotype as much as you’d like me to. The stupidest thing I did was not demand a salary and retirement account of my own. I will own up to that. stupidity. .

This strikes me as odd. Doesn’t it benefit a business from a tax perspective to pay an employee or fund retirement? To me this raises all sorts of red flags. I’d be concerned the business is involved in something shady or illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

I wish this were the case but we really don’t know this. While it will probably turn out this way there is no guarantee. Which is why you don’t quit your job and you do t work for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

I wish this were the case but we really don’t know this. While it will probably turn out this way there is no guarantee. Which is why you don’t quit your job and you do t work for free.

It sounds as though Op and her husband have substantial marital assets. She gets half plus alimony to get her back on her feet.

Their marital partnership was lucrative and that will serve both Op and her husband well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

Where is the evidence that OP's husband is calling it quits? Usually it is women in this situation who are filing for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

Where is the evidence that OP's husband is calling it quits? Usually it is women in this situation who are filing for divorce.

Scroll back a page. OP said her husband is the one who is tired of her after 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

Where is the evidence that OP's husband is calling it quits? Usually it is women in this situation who are filing for divorce.

What is wrong with you? This is an anonymous thread online. OP already said her husband is the one who wants to move on. He’s initiating the divorce.

Sure, she could be lying, but if you want “evidence” you should look somewhere that’s not an anonymous forum.