Separating after 20+ years married. Alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.

Like OP's husband did? Pretty sure she thought so at some point...

The evidence doesn't lie. It even says that men whose mothers work are better spouses. But keep making excuses as to why you couldn't POSSIBLY work and wonder why women end up like OP.

What are you so grouchy about? Seriously, for such a *HAPPY* person you sure sound disgruntled. It is sad that Op's husband is calling it quits after 20 years of marriage but Op will be o.k. She will get half of the marital assets and alimony to get her back on her feet. Sorry if that burns you somehow, but oh well...

Op will be fine.

I wish this were the case but we really don’t know this. While it will probably turn out this way there is no guarantee. Which is why you don’t quit your job and you do t work for free.

It sounds as though Op and her husband have substantial marital assets. She gets half plus alimony to get her back on her feet.

Their marital partnership was lucrative and that will serve both Op and her husband well.

Per OP, they have very little assets. But if the business is doing as well as she thinks, then she’ll do just fine post divorce.

OP should consult with a lawyer, accountant and financial planner before moving forward with any financial claims. She needs to understand what is the best financial deal for her. It may be alimony or it may be that she says no alimony in exchange for a larger stake in the business. She needs a good understanding of her legal options before any negotiations begin,

[Anonymous]

Basically, setting aside how each of us feel about the wisdom
of not working while married (and for all intents and purposes OP did not, even if she physically showed up to do stuff each day, since she didn’t draw a salary and has no earnings history or retirement), nobody can help OP here. We have no idea how solvent this company is so who knows if there’s any assets to be gotten out of it for her. She will likely get some alimony but the amount of years is not going to be determined by us.

Op, lawyer up, let them tell you what you can expect to receive. Be aware that though we don’t and can’t know specific number amounts, it will be less than you want or expect and you’ll still have to work to lake up the difference

[Anonymous]

If they have not marital assets and the company is not very solvent then the husband is going to be SOL, too.

If they have no retirement savings to show for 20 years of marriage, that is a problem for both of them.

They may both need to get jobs at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they have not marital assets and the company is not very solvent then the husband is going to be SOL, too.

If they have no retirement savings to show for 20 years of marriage, that is a problem for both of them.

They may both need to get jobs at the end of the day.

Yeah maybe. Divorce has consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they have not marital assets and the company is not very solvent then the husband is going to be SOL, too.

If they have no retirement savings to show for 20 years of marriage, that is a problem for both of them.

They may both need to get jobs at the end of the day.

He already HAS a job, and Yes of course she need a fulltime job too. This is what functioning adults do. They go to work and collect a paycheck to support their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they have not marital assets and the company is not very solvent then the husband is going to be SOL, too.

If they have no retirement savings to show for 20 years of marriage, that is a problem for both of them.

They may both need to get jobs at the end of the day.

He already HAS a job, and Yes of course she need a fulltime job too. This is what functioning adults do. They go to work and collect a paycheck to support their family.

If he has no assets and no retirement saved after 20 years at that job then he is going to need to find work. It sounds as though they have been barely treading water to make ends meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

No. Newsflash. It’s because the other women know how hard it is to get to that level as a woman and the other women who missed out or were passed over so that this PP could bail as soon as she had kids. Men don’t get this viewpoint so they’re “happy” for a woman who does this. The other women feel frustration and anger on behalf of all the women who couldn’t get that far so someone who would squander it could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

No. Newsflash. It’s because the other women know how hard it is to get to that level as a woman and the other women who missed out or were passed over so that this PP could bail as soon as she had kids. Men don’t get this viewpoint so they’re “happy” for a woman who does this. The other women feel frustration and anger on behalf of all the women who couldn’t get that far so someone who would squander it could.

You again! You're so angry. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

No. Newsflash. It’s because the other women know how hard it is to get to that level as a woman and the other women who missed out or were passed over so that this PP could bail as soon as she had kids. Men don’t get this viewpoint so they’re “happy” for a woman who does this. The other women feel frustration and anger on behalf of all the women who couldn’t get that far so someone who would squander it could.

You again! You're so angry. Get help.

I’m not that poster but I don’t see what is offensive about what she said. Every woman who leaves the workforce makes it more difficult for the women that follow after her (Her own daughter is included.) Should she prioritize them over her own family (If she for some strange reason believes she cannot maintain both a career and a family?) Not necessarily. But don’t pretend like you’re setting a good example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

No. Newsflash. It’s because the other women know how hard it is to get to that level as a woman and the other women who missed out or were passed over so that this PP could bail as soon as she had kids. Men don’t get this viewpoint so they’re “happy” for a woman who does this. The other women feel frustration and anger on behalf of all the women who couldn’t get that far so someone who would squander it could.

You again! You're so angry. Get help.

I’m not that poster but I don’t see what is offensive about what she said. Every woman who leaves the workforce makes it more difficult for the women that follow after her (Her own daughter is included.) Should she prioritize them over her own family (If she for some strange reason believes she cannot maintain both a career and a family?) Not necessarily. But don’t pretend like you’re setting a good example.

She's setting an awesome example - women can do whatever they d*mn well please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Another biglaw partner here and this is spot on. Honestly, many of the men would lean out if that was remotely a possibility and not get sidetracked or had a wife who made substantial money AND was cool with a "less than ambitious" husband. When the women leave to spend more time at home, the reaction from men is "good for you" and from women it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. Misery loves company.

No. Newsflash. It’s because the other women know how hard it is to get to that level as a woman and the other women who missed out or were passed over so that this PP could bail as soon as she had kids. Men don’t get this viewpoint so they’re “happy” for a woman who does this. The other women feel frustration and anger on behalf of all the women who couldn’t get that far so someone who would squander it could.

You again! You're so angry. Get help.

I’m not that poster but I don’t see what is offensive about what she said. Every woman who leaves the workforce makes it more difficult for the women that follow after her (Her own daughter is included.) Should she prioritize them over her own family (If she for some strange reason believes she cannot maintain both a career and a family?) Not necessarily. But don’t pretend like you’re setting a good example.

She's setting an awesome example - women can do whatever they d*mn well please!

Nobody needs a law degree to stay home for 20+ years. Bloop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never worked. Raised two kids. Helped part to full time (unpaid) with DH business for most of marriage. Am I entitled to alimony? Is there still such a thing as permanent alimony? I’m in my mid 50’s.

Yes. You DID work.

[Anonymous]

To the poster who said “women can do whatever they please” sure they can as long as they have a man taking care of them.
Terrible example to set for your kids.
And OP, if after 20 years you have no real
Assets or retirement savingns then no, your business is not a success. It’s actually a life failure and you both should have cut it loose at the 10 year mark. Please start looking for work now but I suspect other than a retail, or admin you aren’t going to have much luck. But better start preparing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never worked. Raised two kids. Helped part to full time (unpaid) with DH business for most of marriage. Am I entitled to alimony? Is there still such a thing as permanent alimony? I’m in my mid 50’s.

Yes. You DID work.

Doing work is not the same thing as having anything to show for it. OP didn’t pay into SS, didn’t earn anything, and has no personal retirement. She did stuff but for the purposes of this conversation and context, she didn’t work.