Separating after 20+ years married. Alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

AMEN AMEN AMEN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked all but 2 years of my adult life but I think these anti alimony women are nuts.

Children need their parents time, not shoved off in daycare for 12 hours a day. That means one parent needs to step out of the full rat race. Either DHor I have worked PT since our child was born.

Many high earner men want SAHM wives until they get bored with them. SaHs contribute greatly to a family's well being. The working parent cant try to offload their spouse at almost 60 and get away with it.

This is what people don't get -

THERE IS A HAPPY MEDIUM BETWEEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE COMPLETELY AND ENDING UP DESTITUTE AND PUTTING AN INFANT IN DAYCARE FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.

And I'm guessing pretty much every successful working woman on this board has found that. SAHMs don't see how this is possible because a) they left the workforce before gaining enough seniority to have any flexibility etc and/or it was long enough ago that they don't realize how far flexibility and teleworking have come or b) their husband tells them how impossible working is as an excuse to do nothing around the house and because they have no other frame of reference, they believe him.

You have to be a complete moron to think this. The stupidity in this country is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

LOL. You are a lunatic. Your poor family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked all but 2 years of my adult life but I think these anti alimony women are nuts.

Children need their parents time, not shoved off in daycare for 12 hours a day. That means one parent needs to step out of the full rat race. Either DHor I have worked PT since our child was born.

Many high earner men want SAHM wives until they get bored with them. SaHs contribute greatly to a family's well being. The working parent cant try to offload their spouse at almost 60 and get away with it.

This is what people don't get -

THERE IS A HAPPY MEDIUM BETWEEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE COMPLETELY AND ENDING UP DESTITUTE AND PUTTING AN INFANT IN DAYCARE FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.

And I'm guessing pretty much every successful working woman on this board has found that. SAHMs don't see how this is possible because a) they left the workforce before gaining enough seniority to have any flexibility etc and/or it was long enough ago that they don't realize how far flexibility and teleworking have come or b) their husband tells them how impossible working is as an excuse to do nothing around the house and because they have no other frame of reference, they believe him.

You have to be a complete moron to think this. The stupidity in this country is amazing.

Except it's 100% spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked all but 2 years of my adult life but I think these anti alimony women are nuts.

Children need their parents time, not shoved off in daycare for 12 hours a day. That means one parent needs to step out of the full rat race. Either DHor I have worked PT since our child was born.

Many high earner men want SAHM wives until they get bored with them. SaHs contribute greatly to a family's well being. The working parent cant try to offload their spouse at almost 60 and get away with it.

This is what people don't get -

THERE IS A HAPPY MEDIUM BETWEEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE COMPLETELY AND ENDING UP DESTITUTE AND PUTTING AN INFANT IN DAYCARE FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.

And I'm guessing pretty much every successful working woman on this board has found that. SAHMs don't see how this is possible because a) they left the workforce before gaining enough seniority to have any flexibility etc and/or it was long enough ago that they don't realize how far flexibility and teleworking have come or b) their husband tells them how impossible working is as an excuse to do nothing around the house and because they have no other frame of reference, they believe him.

You have to be a complete moron to think this. The stupidity in this country is amazing.

Except it's 100% spot on.

Right. All of those SAHMs don’t understand what working women do. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Are you in good health OP? That also matters. Are your children over 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked all but 2 years of my adult life but I think these anti alimony women are nuts.

Children need their parents time, not shoved off in daycare for 12 hours a day. That means one parent needs to step out of the full rat race. Either DHor I have worked PT since our child was born.

Many high earner men want SAHM wives until they get bored with them. SaHs contribute greatly to a family's well being. The working parent cant try to offload their spouse at almost 60 and get away with it.

This is what people don't get -

THERE IS A HAPPY MEDIUM BETWEEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE COMPLETELY AND ENDING UP DESTITUTE AND PUTTING AN INFANT IN DAYCARE FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.

And I'm guessing pretty much every successful working woman on this board has found that. SAHMs don't see how this is possible because a) they left the workforce before gaining enough seniority to have any flexibility etc and/or it was long enough ago that they don't realize how far flexibility and teleworking have come or b) their husband tells them how impossible working is as an excuse to do nothing around the house and because they have no other frame of reference, they believe him.

You have to be a complete moron to think this. The stupidity in this country is amazing.

Except it's 100% spot on.

Right. All of those SAHMs don’t understand what working women do. Jesus.

Well based on the comments on this thread that sound like they’re from 1945, apparently a lot of them don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alimony is for the pathetic . Support yourself. Gravy train is over. Don’t you have any pride?

....said the angry disgruntled exDH.

Actually I’m a happily married working woman who takes full responsibility for my own financial life. And manages to be an excellent mom at the same time. There are a million of us out there, and a million of us on these boards.

Happily married? I can't say. Happy? Doubtful based on your desire to bash someone going through a very difficult time.

+1 Anyone who is truly "happy" wouldn't say such nasty things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister got alimony for the same amount of years as the marriage. 16 years. You are hearing from disgruntled DHs. Yes you should get alimony. Yes you should. And for my cousin who paid alimony to her DH because he stayed home with the kids. Yes it works both ways.

OP isn’t hearing from bitter DHs. She’s hearing from bitter working women who want SAHMs to have to pay the piper at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Somewhere there is a Black woman who didn't get to go to law school, who would have been a fantastic lawyer, but you took her slot. And there is no un-doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Somewhere there is a Black woman who didn't get to go to law school, who would have been a fantastic lawyer, but you took her slot. And there is no un-doing that.

My ex used to say this, except he would say it was taking a seat from a man who would someday have a family to support. Either way, it’s a pretty misogynistic thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Plus one. what a backward society we live in where people only think a woman's Worth is contributing to a capitalist system and not spending quality time raising her children. This isn't to say, of course, that working mothers aren't also great mothers. But it's absolutely bonkers that we don't put equal or higher value on women who choose to devote their time raising their children.

and it's only women who attacked like this. Men don't look down on stay-at-home parents the same way

Yes we do. Anyone who uses up social resources doing something like getting a medical or law degree and then sits on their ass at home is not just making their family worse-off, but making the entire country worse-off.

I don't know any men who feel this way. I also know many men who got a medical or law degree, then ended up in a entirely different career.

When I left my biglaw job to stay home after more than 10 years of working there, the women were pissed (apparently this is a no-no for the sisterhood) and the men were all congratulatory and telling me I was doing the right thing. Frankly, I didn’t GAF what anyone thought other than my family. I am not making decisions based on what is best for society. No one does that.

Somewhere there is a Black woman who didn't get to go to law school, who would have been a fantastic lawyer, but you took her slot. And there is no un-doing that.

I think the world is a better place with one less lawyer.

In all seriousness, we have plenty of lawyers. A medical doctor quitting would be tragic but that doesn’t happen as frequently.

Besides, big law was designed FOR and BY White males. It’s not PP’s fault that the legal system and profession isn’t designed for women having babies and taking care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much antipathy towards people in marriages who choose to take care of their children as their primary and best use of their time on earth. We only get one shot at parenthood. Children are our legacy on earth when we die. The total lack of respect for people who choose to prioritize their time for their family over earning more money is shocking to me.

Sigh.

+1

Because women are fully capable of succeeding in the workforce and as mothers.

Because there is zero evidence that staying home has any long-term benefit for the children.

Because marriages should be built on a foundation of equality and respect.

Because we all know someone like OP - a family friend went from a successful law career to SAH to ilving on a friend's couch.

I agree with the earlier PP who said have some pride. It's 2019 and we still don't know that a man is not a financial plan?

Clearly DP, you should never, ever SAH and you should never, ever have a SAH spouse. The only way that arrangement works is when both the husband and the wife value and respect what the other spouse is doing. That would simply not be possible with your views.