Custody Issue - Pendente Lite VS. Divorce Decree - Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see plenty of dads at my kids’ activities too. It’s more fun to be the person who sits on a bench and surfs the internet on his phone while his wife is at home wrangling two other kids while also making dinner and supervising homework.

Sometimes it's raining and cold on the sidelines of the soccer game.

In my case I was an extremely involved dad from the day my kids were born. But the court didn't care about that. What the court heard was that I was the kid's soccer coach and scout leader, even though I wasn't! I helped the soccer coaches and took the kids to scouts and went on some camp outs, but in the mess that is family court, the lawyers (and judge) all called me the "coach" and "scout leader" and I was therefore Super Dad.

A friend of mine was the default parent--his ex never signed a permission slip, took the kids to the dentist, bought a present for a birthday party, or did anything for the children other than birth them. He didn't get full custody, just 50-50, and he still has to do 100 percent of the doctor appointments and school orientations and everything else.

[Anonymous]

As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

I have found that this kind of division of labor is most often as a result of the mom saying "nevermind, I'll do it" in response to the dad simply not doing to her specifications. I can guarantee you that your DH can do laundry and look up game times/field times, etc. For some reason, you guys have fallen into your roles but I bet you if you had a conversation about taking over some things, he would do other things.

I'm a single dad and I coordinate all those things - mostly because I had no choice and knew the responsibility was on me and nobody else. I think too often dads assume moms are going to pick up some things and the mom assumes the role of typical mom things but this paradigm does not have to exist if you don't want it to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

This. Putting the uni out before the game, knowing the game times/fields and getting snacks are great feats and require so much work and consternation? And try standing during a 45 degree rainy day watching soccer games on a crisp fall weekend. It's not terribly pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a divorced father with a vindictive ex who tried a scorched earth approach during a custody modification. She was caught lying in court and submitting a false affidavit and even admitted on the sand to it lying. There was evidence the judge stated showed she had violated the custody agreement. The judge even stated that she had misused child support funds in violation of a previous court order.

The judge however openly stated that he was NOT going to issue any finding or judgements against the ex wife for lying to the court, violating the custody order, or miss using child support funds. Bottom line is that judges do not want to be seen punishing women. Further, there is an underlying prejudice that women are better parents although that is untrue. They say that the tender years doctrine is no longer informing the courts but that is simply not true.

As for the child support, I'm sure it is based on a formula according to the approximate 75%/25% parenting time split resulting from the court's order that you only get to see your child every other weekend (I.e., 1,3, 5th weekends). The bottom line is that court has turned children into a commodity.

Her income is irrelevant to the calculation of what the non-custodial parent pays in child support. In effect you are paying your ex wife to babysit your child for the 25% difference between the 50/50 split you want and the 25% you got.

The real kicker is that given your ex's level of hate towards you she will 100% work toward alienating your child from you.

This is completely wrong. It is so completely wrong it is probably the stupidest thing I've read on this forum in awhile and there is some grossly inaccurate information on this forum.

Maybe it depends on the state because in Texas they absolutely do not care about BOTH parents incomes... see the calculator: https://csapps.oag.texas.gov/monthly-child-support-calculator

Notice there is only one input for income and it is for the non-custodial parent not the custodial parent.

So I just looked it up and some states do in fact ONLY care about the obligators income. I think your statement above about the posters comment being stupid is snarky. It is true that some states (see the list) don't care at all about the custodial parents income.

http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/guideline-models-by-state.aspx

http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/guideline-models-by-state.aspx

The comment is stupid and wrong because OP clearly stated that he is in PW County in Virginia so the statement that the custodial parent's income doesn't count is completely wrong. Who cares how they do it in Texas...or England or Russia...this post is about VA so to say the court ignored the CP's income is stupid and wrong because the VA guidelines clearly take into account both incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

This. Putting the uni out before the game, knowing the game times/fields and getting snacks are great feats and require so much work and consternation? And try standing during a 45 degree rainy day watching soccer games on a crisp fall weekend. It's not terribly pleasant.

Yeah. Looking at your phone for 15 seconds to ID the field and time is soooooo hard. lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

This. Putting the uni out before the game, knowing the game times/fields and getting snacks are great feats and require so much work and consternation? And try standing during a 45 degree rainy day watching soccer games on a crisp fall weekend. It's not terribly pleasant.

Yeah. Looking at your phone for 15 seconds to ID the field and time is soooooo hard. lol.

Ok then I assume you are all DHs that do 50% of the work to make your lives run smoothly. None of the individual tasks are hard or time consuming, I fully agree, doing them all all the time is a lot of work and planning and things to remember and track. Its not just doing this for soccer that its a big deal, its for soccer + ballet + school events + summer camps + birthday parties + family holidays + sick days and other times plans go array + meeting basic daily needs ensuring everyone has meals and transportation etc.

If you take on half of that for your family, my hats off to you because I don't see many people at it. What I typically see if dad's gladly abdicating all the behind the scenes work and just showing up for the main event which the mom is typically at too. But seriously I love it if you guys are doing your fair share of that and your parenting contributions are huge. I wish more men were like you and saw that as equally their responsibility. The dad (or mom) that does none of the behind the scenes work and claims to be an equally involved parent because they show up to one soccer game a week is just wrong.

To clarify rained out practices are a big deal in my household b/c my kid gets home from practice by carpooling with another family - if there is no practice there is no carpool home and we have to figure out a new plan to get him home from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

+1.

Things I do to make soccer happen for my kids:
Keep track of emails from the soccer league so I know when registration is happening
Register kids for each season
Make sure their cleats and shin guards still fit and are in good condition, and buy new ones as needed
Make sure one kid's sport glasses get updated lenses as needed
Launder all practice gear/uniform components after practices and games so they're ready for next time
Help kids find missing gear as needed
Fill water bottles for practices and games and wash water bottles after use
Enter all practices and games into the family calendar
Keep track of any scheduling conflicts and arrange carpools as needed (as well as coordinating carpools with others who email me in a bind)
Make sure whomever is driving a kid to a game knows which field they're playing on
Monitor weather and whether practices/games are cancelled due to field conditions
Keep track of rescheduled games
Drive kids to and from some practices and games

Things my husband does to make soccer happen for my kids:
Drive kids to and from some practices and games
Read my emails to him letting him know which field he's supposed to take them to

He's not a bad dad or husband, but I would roll my eyes hard if he ever said he did half the work for soccer practices just because he takes them to half the practices/games. Fortunately he doesn't say stupid shit like that because he actually is a good dad and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

This. Putting the uni out before the game, knowing the game times/fields and getting snacks are great feats and require so much work and consternation? And try standing during a 45 degree rainy day watching soccer games on a crisp fall weekend. It's not terribly pleasant.

Yeah. Looking at your phone for 15 seconds to ID the field and time is soooooo hard. lol.

Ok then I assume you are all DHs that do 50% of the work to make your lives run smoothly. None of the individual tasks are hard or time consuming, I fully agree, doing them all all the time is a lot of work and planning and things to remember and track. Its not just doing this for soccer that its a big deal, its for soccer + ballet + school events + summer camps + birthday parties + family holidays + sick days and other times plans go array + meeting basic daily needs ensuring everyone has meals and transportation etc.

If you take on half of that for your family, my hats off to you because I don't see many people at it. What I typically see if dad's gladly abdicating all the behind the scenes work and just showing up for the main event which the mom is typically at too. But seriously I love it if you guys are doing your fair share of that and your parenting contributions are huge. I wish more men were like you and saw that as equally their responsibility. The dad (or mom) that does none of the behind the scenes work and claims to be an equally involved parent because they show up to one soccer game a week is just wrong.

To clarify rained out practices are a big deal in my household b/c my kid gets home from practice by carpooling with another family - if there is no practice there is no carpool home and we have to figure out a new plan to get him home from school.

I think some people over complicate things. The things you mention (activities, summer camps, holidays, school events, etc) are really not that difficult to manage. I'm a dad and do all of those things and it's completely manageable. Is it perfect? No, but if you're organized, those things should not require that much time and energy. If there's a cancelled practice, I have a sitter in place who takes kids to the library to study/ready/etc for a while before I take them home. If you're a good planner this stuff should not be complicated - heaven's forbid a birthday gift for little johnny's birthday party this weekend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

Sorry, I get that there's some pre-event work required on some of these things but throwing the uniform on the DR table the night before and filling the Nalgene isn't as time consuming as getting up at 7 on a Saturday and driving across NOVA to watch 9 innings of baseball. Rained out games? There's no work involved there- it's a text from the league! Food for there? I have a backpack that is constantly filled with granola bars, pretzels, beef jerky, tuna salad, peanut butter crackers, gummy bears, etc.

But keep pushing the narrative that dads are worthless when it comes to rearing kids.

This. Putting the uni out before the game, knowing the game times/fields and getting snacks are great feats and require so much work and consternation? And try standing during a 45 degree rainy day watching soccer games on a crisp fall weekend. It's not terribly pleasant.

Yeah. Looking at your phone for 15 seconds to ID the field and time is soooooo hard. lol.

Ok then I assume you are all DHs that do 50% of the work to make your lives run smoothly. None of the individual tasks are hard or time consuming, I fully agree, doing them all all the time is a lot of work and planning and things to remember and track. Its not just doing this for soccer that its a big deal, its for soccer + ballet + school events + summer camps + birthday parties + family holidays + sick days and other times plans go array + meeting basic daily needs ensuring everyone has meals and transportation etc.

If you take on half of that for your family, my hats off to you because I don't see many people at it. What I typically see if dad's gladly abdicating all the behind the scenes work and just showing up for the main event which the mom is typically at too. But seriously I love it if you guys are doing your fair share of that and your parenting contributions are huge. I wish more men were like you and saw that as equally their responsibility. The dad (or mom) that does none of the behind the scenes work and claims to be an equally involved parent because they show up to one soccer game a week is just wrong.

To clarify rained out practices are a big deal in my household b/c my kid gets home from practice by carpooling with another family - if there is no practice there is no carpool home and we have to figure out a new plan to get him home from school.

I think some people over complicate things. The things you mention (activities, summer camps, holidays, school events, etc) are really not that difficult to manage. I'm a dad and do all of those things and it's completely manageable. Is it perfect? No, but if you're organized, those things should not require that much time and energy. If there's a cancelled practice, I have a sitter in place who takes kids to the library to study/ready/etc for a while before I take them home. If you're a good planner this stuff should not be complicated - heaven's forbid a birthday gift for little johnny's birthday party this weekend!

DP. Most of the individual tasks aren't complicated, but someone has to be the good planner to make sure they happen. Someone needs to figure out in advance the back-up plan for when carpool falls through. Someone needs to make sure Larlo's uniform is washed no later than Friday for the early Saturday game. Someone has to buy the birthday gift. If you have a spouse who doesn't participate in this planning and execution, then it all falls you. One load of laundry on its own isn't a terrible burden, but when it adds up to dozens of additional small/uncomplicated tasks every week that get added to your plate and that you have to keep track of because your spouse won't, a marriage can die by a thousand cuts.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe that people on this forum are arguing over the things that they have to do for extra curricular activities. Petty. Grow up.

I bring the snacks.
I stand in the rain.
I wash the uniform.

Get a grip and learn to work together. This is why divorce, and bad marriages, are so hard on kids. Confront your issues and move on.

As a solo parent, I do all of these things. Reading the threads on this forum have made be realize how juvenile some people can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe that people on this forum are arguing over the things that they have to do for extra curricular activities. Petty. Grow up.

I bring the snacks.
I stand in the rain.
I wash the uniform.

Get a grip and learn to work together. This is why divorce, and bad marriages, are so hard on kids. Confront your issues and move on.

As a solo parent, I do all of these things. Reading the threads on this forum have made be realize how juvenile some people can be.

How would you suggest people do that? If you're the parent who's doing all of those chores while your spouse sits on the couch watching tv, and shows zero willingness to change no matter what you say/do, what is your solution to that? For some people, if they're already doing most of those tasks on their own plus all the additional work their spouse generates (extra laundry, dishes, etc.) and they don't feel like they're getting anything else of value from their spouse (e.g., emotional support), it might seem like a better deal to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe that people on this forum are arguing over the things that they have to do for extra curricular activities. Petty. Grow up.

I bring the snacks.
I stand in the rain.
I wash the uniform.

Get a grip and learn to work together. This is why divorce, and bad marriages, are so hard on kids. Confront your issues and move on.

As a solo parent, I do all of these things. Reading the threads on this forum have made be realize how juvenile some people can be.

How would you suggest people do that? If you're the parent who's doing all of those chores while your spouse sits on the couch watching tv, and shows zero willingness to change no matter what you say/do, what is your solution to that? For some people, if they're already doing most of those tasks on their own plus all the additional work their spouse generates (extra laundry, dishes, etc.) and they don't feel like they're getting anything else of value from their spouse (e.g., emotional support), it might seem like a better deal to divorce.

The end of your post answered your question. There is nothing wrong with divorcing or working through the problems as a couple. Nothing wrong with either path. What is petty is carrying around a mental checklist of who-did-what and carrying that bitterness in your heart.

Do not create a co-dependent spouse and then whine about it.