How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a mom is a full time job. I'm a woman, and I think it's great that women choose to stay at home with their kids, or just stay at home and let a man support them.

I would rather that, then a lot of women in the office who don't pull their weight because they're exhausted or bitter or just don't want to be there.

My sister isn't a mom, and she quit working in 1996 after she got married. I think it's funny. She has a master's degree but she just doesn't like to work.

We all know people like this. We might even be them. Why do people refuse to acknowledge this? I think for the vast majority of the population, their job is something they do for money and it feels like "work." It's not fun, it's not fulfilling, it's not personally meaningful, it's not their passion, etc. etc.

Not everyone gets to be a movie director or an artist or a rocket scientist at NASA. Very few people would do their jobs if they won the lottery and had enough money to quit.

[Anonymous]

Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

[Anonymous]

Op starts a thread like this every week or so, she is obvs a bit of a wacko. The last ran along the lines, I dom’t need to work because of an inheritance, but I am obligated to society to do so, as are all women, some similar nonsense.

She has no honest curiosity about sahms, she is just trying to start a pile on. Frankly I would be shocked if she actually was independently wealthy, it seems to be just an invention for her to troll.

I could care less what anyone thinks anout my family’s choices, and wonder why posters like op are so stuck on the mommy wars. Since op is also mainly a troll, may be many other issues going on. Best to ignore her and her ilk enirely.

[Anonymous]

Some of you would be prouder of your daughter doing an immorabl job such as Sarah Huckabee Sanders' than of your daughter being a SAHM taking care of her toddlers. Yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

I completely agree with you. It's your choice to make.

OP and all the other judgmental closeminded WOHMs on this borad do not speak for any working mom that I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a mom is a full time job. I'm a woman, and I think it's great that women choose to stay at home with their kids, or just stay at home and let a man support them.

I would rather that, then a lot of women in the office who don't pull their weight because they're exhausted or bitter or just don't want to be there.

My sister isn't a mom, and she quit working in 1996 after she got married. I think it's funny. She has a master's degree but she just doesn't like to work.

We all know people like this. We might even be them. Why do people refuse to acknowledge this? I think for the vast majority of the population, their job is something they do for money and it feels like "work." It's not fun, it's not fulfilling, it's not personally meaningful, it's not their passion, etc. etc.

Not everyone gets to be a movie director or an artist or a rocket scientist at NASA. Very few people would do their jobs if they won the lottery and had enough money to quit.

+ 1

And yet somehow DCUM is full of these types

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a mom is a full time job. I'm a woman, and I think it's great that women choose to stay at home with their kids, or just stay at home and let a man support them.

I would rather that, then a lot of women in the office who don't pull their weight because they're exhausted or bitter or just don't want to be there.

My sister isn't a mom, and she quit working in 1996 after she got married. I think it's funny. She has a master's degree but she just doesn't like to work.

We all know people like this. We might even be them. Why do people refuse to acknowledge this? I think for the vast majority of the population, their job is something they do for money and it feels like "work." It's not fun, it's not fulfilling, it's not personally meaningful, it's not their passion, etc. etc.

Not everyone gets to be a movie director or an artist or a rocket scientist at NASA. Very few people would do their jobs if they won the lottery and had enough money to quit.

+ 1

And yet somehow DCUM is full of these types

Only the women though. Men are sacrificing for their families by doing difficult and thankless jobs in order to provide financial security. Men on dcum are never working because it is fulfilling and personally meaningful. Women on dcum do not work for any other reason.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I can't address everything but I'll do my best. Thanks to those who responded thoughtfully.

Perhaps I didn't articulate myself perfectly, and I appreciate those who took the time to understand what I really meant. A few notes:

- I AM incredibly privileged to have significant net worth (though not to have lost my parents young and tragically), healthy children, and a flexible job. I'd never say otherwise.

- This question is obviously not directed at people who are severely ill, people who are working two jobs to keep the lights on, etc etc. It's directed at healthy, able-bodied, intelligent people.

- None of this comes from my husband. He understands that our financial privilege comes from my side and even if it didn't he wouldn't begrudge me time to relax. He's even said things to me like, hey, we pay for the pool so why not use it?

- I GENUINELY don't know why I feel this way. Part of me is guilty spending money I didn't earn (inheritance) and would like to leave a similar situation for my children (not having to pay for education etc is a blessing, I'm well aware). I even feel guilty looking at like, the cashier at the grocery store or the lifeguard checking me in at the pool and often say things like "left work early today, HAHA!" so they know I work! I admit it's completely weird, and am curious as to whether anyone else is like this.

- As others have said, I DO feel an obligation to use the education that my parents paid for to do good beyond my own walls.

- I can't believe I'm even addressing PP who says I should be a real SAHM (and my kids are school-age, and I never said this post was addressed to those with babies and toddlers at home) ... I work at a nonprofit that helps get poor high school students into meaningful careers, so I'm good with that.

Those of you saying I'm being judgmental really do sound defensive, as this is a truly legitimate question I'm asking. Frankly, I'd love not to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op starts a thread like this every week or so, she is obvs a bit of a wacko. The last ran along the lines, I dom’t need to work because of an inheritance, but I am obligated to society to do so, as are all women, some similar nonsense.

She has no honest curiosity about sahms, she is just trying to start a pile on. Frankly I would be shocked if she actually was independently wealthy, it seems to be just an invention for her to troll.

I could care less what anyone thinks anout my family’s choices, and wonder why posters like op are so stuck on the mommy wars. Since op is also mainly a troll, may be many other issues going on. Best to ignore her and her ilk enirely.

huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

But you recognize that by not working, you make your second paragraph less likely, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Thanks for getting it. Unfortunately, some just don't.

[Anonymous]

I've got three kids 5 and under, one only nine months. I'm on my feet or in the car from 6am until 9pm doing all the normal stuff. Three years ago we bought a trashed foreclosure that I completely transformed inside and out with a lot of my own sweat equity and are we now selling for a $250,000 gain thanks to my hard work. That's a lot of income for a SAHM, certainly more than I would have earned working outside the home. My only break is working out a few times a week thanks to my fitness center having a great babysitting set up. Do I feel guilty? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Thanks for getting it. Unfortunately, some just don't.

I don't understand the post above you. Don't these two sentences contradict each other?

We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys.
I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Thanks for getting it. Unfortunately, some just don't.

I don't understand the post above you. Don't these two sentences contradict each other?

We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys.
I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because.

Sorry, now realizing the "we" in your first sentence is society at large.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op starts a thread like this every week or so, she is obvs a bit of a wacko. The last ran along the lines, I dom’t need to work because of an inheritance, but I am obligated to society to do so, as are all women, some similar nonsense.

She has no honest curiosity about sahms, she is just trying to start a pile on. Frankly I would be shocked if she actually was independently wealthy, it seems to be just an invention for her to troll.

I could care less what anyone thinks anout my family’s choices, and wonder why posters like op are so stuck on the mommy wars. Since op is also mainly a troll, may be many other issues going on. Best to ignore her and her ilk enirely.

huh?

Didn’t think your repetitive posts would be recognized?