Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

Did you read this, honey?? All wives should...Sex really does matter to men

Ok equally important for men to do their EQUAL share in the marriage. Communication, changing diapers, cleaning and other chores couples split. That really does matter just as much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you don't know why your wife has lost interest in sex with you. Isn't that kind of a HUGE gap of understanding? How do you expect to find solutions if you don't get to the root of the reason for the problem?

Have you posted before? It's like a broken record.

1. A man posts that his wife has lost interest.
2. He has NO clue why and no curiosity about it.
3. She ruins it for him when she does have sex because she's not into it.
4. She cries and says she feels like a bad wife when he brings it up.

Where do you get that he has no curiosity? It's not like he's not talking to her about the problem. He brings it up. She cries. She knows it's a problem. Nothing in there suggests that she has explained the reason for her disinterest and he has ignored her. If I had to guess, I'd say she either doesn't know herself or is too embarrassed to tell him.

I don't know OP's situation, but I've been through similar. For years, I kept talking to my wife, asking what I could do. I tried to shoulder more of the load. We waited until the kids were older and off to school. I tried initiating more aggressively. When we have sex, there's almost always a massage first. I always engage in foreplay - I enjoy it, but it's one-sided. She receives, and I give. I got a vasectomy so she could go off birth control. Nonsexual touch. Date nights. Make sure to take the kids places to give her plenty of alone time. Nothing moved the needle. Now she says it's her own body-image issues standing in the way. Not much I can do for that. I wouldn't be surprised if OP's situation is similar to mine. It's not always a boorish, disinterested DH trying to get his way without being willing to listen to or change things around to accommodate his wife's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

Did you read this, honey?? All wives should...Sex really does matter to men

Ok equally important for men to do their EQUAL share in the marriage. Communication, changing diapers, cleaning and other chores couples split. That really does matter just as much!

My DH knows that the more he helps with kids and chores the more often we have sex. Yes, it's a bit of bartering but it works for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you don't know why your wife has lost interest in sex with you. Isn't that kind of a HUGE gap of understanding? How do you expect to find solutions if you don't get to the root of the reason for the problem?

Have you posted before? It's like a broken record.

1. A man posts that his wife has lost interest.
2. He has NO clue why and no curiosity about it.
3. She ruins it for him when she does have sex because she's not into it.
4. She cries and says she feels like a bad wife when he brings it up.

Where do you get that he has no curiosity? It's not like he's not talking to her about the problem. He brings it up. She cries. She knows it's a problem. Nothing in there suggests that she has explained the reason for her disinterest and he has ignored her. If I had to guess, I'd say she either doesn't know herself or is too embarrassed to tell him.

I don't know OP's situation, but I've been through similar. For years, I kept talking to my wife, asking what I could do. I tried to shoulder more of the load. We waited until the kids were older and off to school. I tried initiating more aggressively. When we have sex, there's almost always a massage first. I always engage in foreplay - I enjoy it, but it's one-sided. She receives, and I give. I got a vasectomy so she could go off birth control. Nonsexual touch. Date nights. Make sure to take the kids places to give her plenty of alone time. Nothing moved the needle. Now she says it's her own body-image issues standing in the way. Not much I can do for that. I wouldn't be surprised if OP's situation is similar to mine. It's not always a boorish, disinterested DH trying to get his way without being willing to listen to or change things around to accommodate his wife's needs.

Sounds like you (and OP) need to be more assertive about your needs. If she's not interested in sex, simply Open the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

Wow. What a great person you are. I’m sure your grandmother is real proud of you. /s

Both of them have passed away but my goal has never been to do only the things that I believe would meet with their approval. I am a descendant of slaves who has been blessed with freedoms and choices they could not even imagine. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste the gift of agency I've been givenin genuflecting before the golden calf of tradition. I would not want my daughters to ever sacrifice themselves in a relationship as unfulfilling as my marriage has been. If they felt they could not leave I'd probably tell them as my sister told me years ago, "Take a lover." Ever heard of Lady Chatterley's Lover?

So you’re ok with Your daughters growing up to be just like you: a lying, deceitful, cheating, disrespectful harlot who is completely self-absorbed and entitled and doesn’t have the guts to end a relationship/marriage before seeking other men? How do you sleep at night? Your conscious has to be a wreck (spare us, I’m sure you’ll say you sleep great and your conscious is clear—when it’s not).

I obviously hope my kids will be better at choosing their partners than I was. But I understand that people make mistakes. I have not actually slept with any other man since I got married. But knowing that I will one day saves my sanity. DH has said to me that if I ever do cheat on him he does not want to ever know. He does not see divorce as an option. I prefer to wait until our kids are older. No, I never feel guilt about the prospect of seeking physical solace elsewhere. My conscience is far more troubled by the vengeful anger I harbor toward DH. Physical transgressions seem relatively minor compared to the spiritual ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

Did you read this, honey?? All wives should...Sex really does matter to men

Ok equally important for men to do their EQUAL share in the marriage. Communication, changing diapers, cleaning and other chores couples split. That really does matter just as much!

My DH knows that the more he helps with kids and chores the more often we have sex. Yes, it's a bit of bartering but it works for both of us.

Whatever makes it work, good for you!

[Anonymous]

I am amazed at the amount of respect you have for one another, and especially you for her. The kids phases, especially when young, are challenging, very very challenging. I wish there were more transparency in our world, more people who openly talked about their struggles instead of posting how wonderful life is on Facebook. I know that we would see things differently, and if we felt we were "normal" women would be more apt to express what is rolling around in their heads. I just think that with all you are saying, even if you think you have lost the feeling, it can be recovered. For some reason, even though you have expressed it to her many times, she is not getting it. She is either caught up in day to day life or her proprieties need to be shifted a bit. I don't think she is intentionally withholding sex from you, she simply does not get it. I have 3 kids, two from my first marriage and a one from my second. The youngest is 3. I know there are days, after a long day of work and running everywhere, that I feel like I just don't want to interact. I want to crawl in my bed away from everything, but when my husband offers a back rub, my attitude changes a bit. I don't know what the solution to your situation is, maybe like some suggested you should try counseling. It really can't hurt. I can tell you this, being a product of divorce, that what you have, this wonderful mutual respect for one another, is something that is not easy to find anymore. That what you have is worth saving if you are willing to invest. Try and figure out her love language and speak it as much as possible. Prayers to you and your family, I hope you can find a way to set your marriage on fire!

[Anonymous]

She's probably depressed. Make an appt with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. This sounds just like me.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, physiologically, women's desire nosedives as they get older. Men that aren't new to a woman have to work HARD to get her excited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
np- I do not enjoy sex w DH. He is very selfish and ensures his own pleasure... no foreplay, no anything except him. If I initiate it is the same. So sad. That being said why would I want it?


Do you get yourself off? Cheat? Or just exist with bad sex life?


More importantly: why did you marry (or even get past date 3) with a sexually selfish man?


I was 22 when we got married. We had awesome sex at that time. It was frequent and fun. After a few years, maybe even 10 it was all about him in every way shape and manner.
I knew nothing else. Until 20 years in... when he cheated.

[Anonymous]

Pp from above... i am only contributing this information because my husband seems like he could be OP

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to think hard about how long you can live like this and if you will ever be willing to divorce or sex.

When I met DW it was sex all the time. Sometime after our first child was born, it slowed down. When she told me she was pregnant for our second child I was shocked because we had not talked about planning to have a second child and we had sex so infrequently I had to do some math in my head to think if it could be mine.

After second child sex stopped. During this time I would say I was doing my share. DW was SAH, I would get up at night during both our kids infant years to feed them and change them at night, slept in spare room to insure she could get a full nights sleep. Her mother lived near by and was around 3-4 days a week to help her.

Every time I tried to initiate I was shot down. I tried to talk it out and she would cry and say she wasn't good enough. I would try to just cuddle and if I got an erection she would get mad and pull away. Even when cuddling it was us lying together me rubbing her shoulders or back and if I was lucky her laying her arm over me.
One time she said she was overwhelmed with the work in the house and watching two kids so I also started cleaning the floors doing the dishes more laundry, nothing changed, except that if I initiated she would say I only did those things to get sex. Tried to take her away for 4 days, she said I hope I don't expect sex. One time she saw me come out of the shower and I was naked and the look on her face was total disgust. After that I would make sure I always covered with a towel and got dressed in the closet to avoid ever seeing that look again

After years of sex maybe for my birthday or anniversary and me trying to talk about it or write a letter to her about it, all of which ended as her getting upset. The last one ended up in a huge argument with her saying she never liked sex and only did it so I would like her. I had enough told her I could not live this way anymore and was going to come home the following day pack my things up and leave. I sat in the driveway the following day sick to my stomach. When I walked inside she said she wanted to talk. Told me I was right, for the last 5 years now I can say she seems enthusiastic about sex and we have it typically 2x a week

Sorry for going on so long. But hat was my experience and what I did to save the marriage to someone I truly loved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

Did you read this, honey?? All wives should...Sex really does matter to men

Ok equally important for men to do their EQUAL share in the marriage. Communication, changing diapers, cleaning and other chores couples split. That really does matter just as much!

My DH knows that the more he helps with kids and chores the more often we have sex. Yes, it's a bit of bartering but it works for both of us.

Whatever makes it work, good for you!

I'm like the PP. When I see my DH bathe the children or change a diaper without being asked I get pretty turned on. But then getting turned on has never been difficult for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to think hard about how long you can live like this and if you will ever be willing to divorce or sex.

When I met DW it was sex all the time. Sometime after our first child was born, it slowed down. When she told me she was pregnant for our second child I was shocked because we had not talked about planning to have a second child and we had sex so infrequently I had to do some math in my head to think if it could be mine.

After second child sex stopped. During this time I would say I was doing my share. DW was SAH, I would get up at night during both our kids infant years to feed them and change them at night, slept in spare room to insure she could get a full nights sleep. Her mother lived near by and was around 3-4 days a week to help her.

Every time I tried to initiate I was shot down. I tried to talk it out and she would cry and say she wasn't good enough. I would try to just cuddle and if I got an erection she would get mad and pull away. Even when cuddling it was us lying together me rubbing her shoulders or back and if I was lucky her laying her arm over me.
One time she said she was overwhelmed with the work in the house and watching two kids so I also started cleaning the floors doing the dishes more laundry, nothing changed, except that if I initiated she would say I only did those things to get sex. Tried to take her away for 4 days, she said I hope I don't expect sex. One time she saw me come out of the shower and I was naked and the look on her face was total disgust. After that I would make sure I always covered with a towel and got dressed in the closet to avoid ever seeing that look again

After years of sex maybe for my birthday or anniversary and me trying to talk about it or write a letter to her about it, all of which ended as her getting upset. The last one ended up in a huge argument with her saying she never liked sex and only did it so I would like her. I had enough told her I could not live this way anymore and was going to come home the following day pack my things up and leave. I sat in the driveway the following day sick to my stomach. When I walked inside she said she wanted to talk. Told me I was right, for the last 5 years now I can say she seems enthusiastic about sex and we have it typically 2x a week

Sorry for going on so long. But hat was my experience and what I did to save the marriage to someone I truly loved

Here's the TLDR; choreplay does not work; nice guy finally issues long overdue ultimatum; wife repents and "finds her sex drive"; normal sex life ensues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to think hard about how long you can live like this and if you will ever be willing to divorce or sex.

When I met DW it was sex all the time. Sometime after our first child was born, it slowed down. When she told me she was pregnant for our second child I was shocked because we had not talked about planning to have a second child and we had sex so infrequently I had to do some math in my head to think if it could be mine.

After second child sex stopped. During this time I would say I was doing my share. DW was SAH, I would get up at night during both our kids infant years to feed them and change them at night, slept in spare room to insure she could get a full nights sleep. Her mother lived near by and was around 3-4 days a week to help her.

Every time I tried to initiate I was shot down. I tried to talk it out and she would cry and say she wasn't good enough. I would try to just cuddle and if I got an erection she would get mad and pull away. Even when cuddling it was us lying together me rubbing her shoulders or back and if I was lucky her laying her arm over me.
One time she said she was overwhelmed with the work in the house and watching two kids so I also started cleaning the floors doing the dishes more laundry, nothing changed, except that if I initiated she would say I only did those things to get sex. Tried to take her away for 4 days, she said I hope I don't expect sex. One time she saw me come out of the shower and I was naked and the look on her face was total disgust. After that I would make sure I always covered with a towel and got dressed in the closet to avoid ever seeing that look again

After years of sex maybe for my birthday or anniversary and me trying to talk about it or write a letter to her about it, all of which ended as her getting upset. The last one ended up in a huge argument with her saying she never liked sex and only did it so I would like her. I had enough told her I could not live this way anymore and was going to come home the following day pack my things up and leave. I sat in the driveway the following day sick to my stomach. When I walked inside she said she wanted to talk. Told me I was right, for the last 5 years now I can say she seems enthusiastic about sex and we have it typically 2x a week

Sorry for going on so long. But hat was my experience and what I did to save the marriage to someone I truly loved

Ouch