Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Debatable. If she's checked out, she's not checking back in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

My ex strongly believed I was LL. It was his approach that killed my desire for him. I was saying to my ex that I simply don't need it. Reality was is that I really didn't want his attitude (mechanically it was fine sex, mentally it was not satisfying at all).

OP and all men, take careful note. This PP speaks the truth. If your wife is not interested in sex, immediately make her your EX wife. That's the advice PP is giving, and it's true.

I had to file for divorce though, ex wasn't happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

You have sex once a month and have 3 kids. Seriously get over it! From the sound of it you have a good marriage and wonderful family. Why would you even think of divorce?

Sure work on having more intimate time, but everything else seems to be working going by your post.

I know couples with REAL serious problems and their kids that have to go to different homes who are miserable. Or people in their late 50's that can't retire because of STUPID life choices. Don't be one of those! You need a wake up call!

[Anonymous]

I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

My ex strongly believed I was LL. It was his approach that killed my desire for him. I was saying to my ex that I simply don't need it. Reality was is that I really didn't want his attitude (mechanically it was fine sex, mentally it was not satisfying at all).

But why didn't you tell your ex that? If you just say "oh I just don't need it" how in the world was he supposed to fix his issues (not saying he would but at least allow for the chance)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 'take one for the team' at least once a week even though my physical desire for sex has really waned. I still love my DH and we have a very good marriage and not having sex would be a huge problem for him. Thirty minutes once a week is well worth keeping my DH happy and my marriage stable. Outside of the bedroom my DH does many wonderful things for me so in the bedroom I focus on his pleasure.

Did you read this, honey?? All wives should...Sex really does matter to men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

My ex strongly believed I was LL. It was his approach that killed my desire for him. I was saying to my ex that I simply don't need it. Reality was is that I really didn't want his attitude (mechanically it was fine sex, mentally it was not satisfying at all).

But why didn't you tell your ex that? If you just say "oh I just don't need it" how in the world was he supposed to fix his issues (not saying he would but at least allow for the chance)?

It's not like it happened out of a sudden. I will admit that I don't believe that marriage/relationship should require lots of effort. I give up fast if it's not easy. It is funny how it all interrelated: you don't say that the dinner was tasty and you enjoyed it (because why repeat it every time if you know it's good and I wouldn't eat it if it wasn't good) and that translates into "I am really not turned on by your entitled attitude".

[Anonymous]

np- I do not enjoy sex w DH. He is very selfish and ensures his own pleasure... no foreplay, no anything except him. If I initiate it is the same. So sad. That being said why would I want it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Nope. Guys I don't like can put me first and focus on my needs all day long, it's not going to do anything except annoy me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np- I do not enjoy sex w DH. He is very selfish and ensures his own pleasure... no foreplay, no anything except him. If I initiate it is the same. So sad. That being said why would I want it?

This. Pretty much like everything else in our relationship not just the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Bull. You might like to believe these "just so" tales about how life works, but life isn't a morality play. Sometimes virtue and sacrifice isn't rewarded.

Marriage is so detrimental to the woman that if there was some sacrifice to be rewarded it would be awarded to the woman which is why I said he needs to put his wife first for once. You clearly misunderstand that in marriage it is the woman who does most of the work and most of the sacrificing. You are correct that life doesn't reward us women for our sacrifices.

Oh please, if marriage was so detrimental to women, they wouldn't be pushing for it. Society doesn't frown on single motherhood anymore, so kids can be had without marriage. Women don't do most of the work in every single marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

Wow. What a great person you are. I’m sure your grandmother is real proud of you. /s

Both of them have passed away but my goal has never been to do only the things that I believe would meet with their approval. I am a descendant of slaves who has been blessed with freedoms and choices they could not even imagine. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste the gift of agency I've been givenin genuflecting before the golden calf of tradition. I would not want my daughters to ever sacrifice themselves in a relationship as unfulfilling as my marriage has been. If they felt they could not leave I'd probably tell them as my sister told me years ago, "Take a lover." Ever heard of Lady Chatterley's Lover?

So you’re ok with Your daughters growing up to be just like you: a lying, deceitful, cheating, disrespectful harlot who is completely self-absorbed and entitled and doesn’t have the guts to end a relationship/marriage before seeking other men? How do you sleep at night? Your conscious has to be a wreck (spare us, I’m sure you’ll say you sleep great and your conscious is clear—when it’s not).

What? you sound completely crazy. Whatever got you off your rocker wasn't PP. People having been living amicably in sexless marriages since the dawn of time because it was understood that marriage is contracted for serious reasons while sex can be enjoyed elsewhere. The expectation of sexual monogamy in marriage is a relatively recent thing, especially in upper classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

You have sex once a month and have 3 kids. Seriously get over it! From the sound of it you have a good marriage and wonderful family. Why would you even think of divorce?

Sure work on having more intimate time, but everything else seems to be working going by your post.

I know couples with REAL serious problems and their kids that have to go to different homes who are miserable. Or people in their late 50's that can't retire because of STUPID life choices. Don't be one of those! You need a wake up call!

Agree 100% everything you said ... AFTER he declares the marriage Open

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np- I do not enjoy sex w DH. He is very selfish and ensures his own pleasure... no foreplay, no anything except him. If I initiate it is the same. So sad. That being said why would I want it?

Do you get yourself off? Cheat? Or just exist with bad sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:np- I do not enjoy sex w DH. He is very selfish and ensures his own pleasure... no foreplay, no anything except him. If I initiate it is the same. So sad. That being said why would I want it?

Do you get yourself off? Cheat? Or just exist with bad sex life?

More importantly: why did you marry (or even get past date 3) with a sexually selfish man?