Multi-generation Princeton double-legacy. DC doesn't want to go there...help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds, op, like both your son and you know - or at least strongly believe - that he will otherwise get into Harvard, Stanford, or Yale

OP just said the opposite.

Read between the lines. Actually, let me break it down for you.

If op's son is admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, then he would prefer to attend one of those universities over Princeton as a legacy.

However, if op's son is not admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, then he would prefer to attend Princeton as a legacy than any lesser university.

Clearly op and her son do believe that he will be admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, otherwise they would not gamble with a particularly historied legacy of admission to Princeton.

I am the OP.

He is qualified for HYS, but he doesn't have the legacy advantage that he has at Princeton. So at HYS he would be facing more or less the same long odds that all other high-stats, non-prodigy, prep-school kids face.
As of now he wants to apply to Yale early, Harvard and Stanford RD. He is also thinking of doing Penn, Columbia, Dartmouth RD and the rest will be safeties and matches. I imagine that if he did not get into HYS, he eventually would want to go for Princeton as opposed to a non-HYP ivy. At least I hope. Not attending Princeton is bad enough in our family, attending a lower ivy would drive the in-laws and DH completely insane. Plus the teasing from cousins, uncles etc will be insufferable. I know this sounds ridiculous to most people but this is my family. My side of the family are quite more relaxed about these things. DH's side of the family is a whole different story.

Yours, op, is one of the most inherently arrogant threads I have read on these boards in a quite some time. The only way it could be any more arrogant would be if you casually dropped the fact that your son is a student at Andover. The DCUM community generally takes to task such obvious 'humble brags', but in your case we have indulged you rather kindly and patiently for the last 9 pages. i guess this proves that people really do want their royalty.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps have your family put aside these discussions with your DS for now; tour the colleges that he is interested in, including Princeton, over spring break; and gently persuade him over the summer that the best strategic decision would be to apply to Princeton single choice early action since he has the legacy hook. If he is accepted, it would not be binding. He could then apply regular round to any other universities on his list. I don't know enough about admissions but I wonder whether Princeton legacies who are full pay have less of a legacy preference if they wait to apply in the regular round instead of applying early action.

[Anonymous]

Back off & would put money down that he'll come around by time to really apply.

[Anonymous]

The other practical consideration is that we know Princeton inside and out. We can guide him on how to navigate the campus resources, what classes to look for, what professors to seek out, how to navigate social life, campus organizations etc. We don't have this level of insight into any other school. We definitely would dictate to him what to major in, or what (if any) eating club to join and in general micromanage him while he is there. We just think he probably would have a very good chance of thriving there given all the inside knowledge we have and the fact that he is so familiar with the school.

Fixed that for you.

Honestly, you lost me totally by writing this out. Can't you take a step back and recognize that even if he does go to Princeton (and I hope out of his own free will, and not some ridiculous family tradition), you should at that point step off and *not* try to guide him on what classes or professors to look for, how to navigate social life, etc.? That's not your job! That kind of intrusive helicopter parenting will only hurt him in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I went to Princeton and DD went to Yale. She had a MUCH better time than I did. It would be horrible if you forced your son to go to Princeton and he was miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It seems like my deal would be
1. Apply to Princeton and anywhere else that you want but go wherever you want.
2. Not discuss college at all for the next 4-5 months.

If he finds a better school (for him) that he gets into then you will need to let him go. But if you are right and Princeton is his ticket, you should let the schools tell him that. He sounds smart and disciplined. If your family stops making this into melodrama I suspect he will choose the right path.

OP, I went to Princeton. I hated it so much I transferred to another, equally prestigious school (and perhaps more so in my chosen major). Two of my three freshman roommates also hated it and spent 4 miserable years. They told me they wished they'd had the guts to transfer. There really are better schools for some people and no school is the end all be all. But this isn't about Princeton in particular -- at my new school I was thrilled but saw people who also would have been happier elsewhere, but who went because it was the most prestigious school they got into.

If your son is this adamant he may just be contrary, but he is probably also be telling you he may need a different path. Give him a chance to do it reasonably.

OP here. Thank you this makes a lot of sense.

I am the poster of this idea. Glad you like it! Now you just need to get the rest of your family on board with this plan.

I will also say this gently -- you and your family need a little more reflection. Even by the snooty standards of DCUM your posts sound almost trollish -- you guys really have no idea how overprivileged you sound (oh the teasing if he attended a *lesser* ivy!) Perhaps you are just letting yourself speak honestly on an anonymous board but you may want to examine your thinking. In particular, college is clearly a big part of your family, but it is really contextual. Vey, very few people share your history with a college or even know more than a few people who do. Even on this board.
And for success, other connections and accomplishments are really key. Skills are key. There aren't as many places who will hire you just because you went to Princeton anymore -- it's really the whole person and all the things you've done and of course, yes your family and connections as much as ever. But if you focus on all the things you, your son and family have accomplished a little more I think you'll be in better shape. And yes, you need to understand that going to UC Berkeley or even Columbia isn't exactly the end of the world for people, even in Princeton means a lot in particular in your family. Focus your standards and expectations more broadly. The 21st century is going to be as different from the 20th as the 19th was from the 20th. It's a bumpy ride and I'm not sure how colleges are going to fare. It's not that they will evaporate but they will mean something different, surely, in 50 years than they do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It seems like my deal would be
1. Apply to Princeton and anywhere else that you want but go wherever you want.
2. Not discuss college at all for the next 4-5 months.

If he finds a better school (for him) that he gets into then you will need to let him go. But if you are right and Princeton is his ticket, you should let the schools tell him that. He sounds smart and disciplined. If your family stops making this into melodrama I suspect he will choose the right path.

OP, I went to Princeton. I hated it so much I transferred to another, equally prestigious school (and perhaps more so in my chosen major). Two of my three freshman roommates also hated it and spent 4 miserable years. They told me they wished they'd had the guts to transfer. There really are better schools for some people and no school is the end all be all. But this isn't about Princeton in particular -- at my new school I was thrilled but saw people who also would have been happier elsewhere, but who went because it was the most prestigious school they got into.

If your son is this adamant he may just be contrary, but he is probably also be telling you he may need a different path. Give him a chance to do it reasonably.

NP. I'm genuinely curious, why did you hate Princeton?

I don't mean this in a snarky way. I think I hate it because I was not from a family like OP's at all. I was a great student and an intellectual, but from a professional upper middle class immigrant family. I was a child prodigy and really, really smart.

I was told I should go to a place like Princeton (or Harvard or whatever) because it was the best. What I wanted was the best, most rigorous academics. But there are really two things "best" colleges mean now. One is that, to a real extent, but schools like HYP are as much or more about social connections and polish and the pursuit of a privileged life. These are all things that are reasonable to aspire to. But I am not so motivated by these things -- I really wanted to learn.

There is a great math and a great physics department at Princeton, as great as anywhere. But I wanted to be a great computer scientist. I was much happier at another HYPSM school that had that culture. And I am very successful now because I took advantage of it, more so than I would have been at Princeton. Princeton has good CS but no entrepreneurial paradigm upsetting culture in engineering outside of pure theory.

But my roommates also hated it. I think really the issue was that all of us had the academic credentials to be there but not the social skills and/or interest to navigate Princeton's social scene.

[Anonymous]

Good for him that he doesn't want to use this affirmative action-ish way to leapfrog over others to get into college and instead wants to make his own way on his own merits.

[Anonymous]

Overall, Princeton provides the best undergraduate experience in the country, but it's not for every kid who is qualified to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds, op, like both your son and you know - or at least strongly believe - that he will otherwise get into Harvard, Stanford, or Yale

OP just said the opposite.

Read between the lines. Actually, let me break it down for you.

If op's son is admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, then he would prefer to attend one of those universities over Princeton as a legacy.

However, if op's son is not admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, then he would prefer to attend Princeton as a legacy than any lesser university.

Clearly op and her son do believe that he will be admitted to Harvard, Stanford, and/or Yale, otherwise they would not gamble with a particularly historied legacy of admission to Princeton.

I am the OP.

He is qualified for HYS, but he doesn't have the legacy advantage that he has at Princeton. So at HYS he would be facing more or less the same long odds that all other high-stats, non-prodigy, prep-school kids face.
As of now he wants to apply to Yale early, Harvard and Stanford RD. He is also thinking of doing Penn, Columbia, Dartmouth RD and the rest will be safeties and matches. I imagine that if he did not get into HYS, he eventually would want to go for Princeton as opposed to a non-HYP ivy. At least I hope. Not attending Princeton is bad enough in our family, attending a lower ivy would drive the in-laws and DH completely insane. Plus the teasing from cousins, uncles etc will be insufferable. I know this sounds ridiculous to most people but this is my family. My side of the family are quite more relaxed about these things. DH's side of the family is a whole different story.

Yours, op, is one of the most inherently arrogant threads I have read on these boards in a quite some time. The only way it could be any more arrogant would be if you casually dropped the fact that your son is a student at Andover. The DCUM community generally takes to task such obvious 'humble brags', but in your case we have indulged you rather kindly and patiently for the last 9 pages. i guess this proves that people really do want their royalty.

Well, it is fabulous. Like a ridiculous TV show about overprivileged people who are fabulously out of touch. Maybe it is my Gatsby-ish obsession talking but I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread. Please don't scare the OP away. LOL

[Anonymous]

Well, a) he might not get in, and b), good for him for breaking a cycle of white privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off & would put money down that he'll come around by time to really apply.

This. Let's say everyone keeps pushing and he does apply and does go - do you think he will be happy there or will he resent everyone who pushed him for the rest of his life? He has to own the decision or it will never be a happy outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family sounds nuts; I don't blame your kid for wanting to go elsewhere.

Thanks for the help. now piss off.

Calm down OP.

- dp

Agreed. The toxicity is coming from the adults who really should know better. I wouldn’t want to go to a school that produced such toxic people who care more about themselves than what is best for the child, either!

This isn’t about you! It isn’t about your family! It’s about which school is the best for your child (to be determined by the one going to college, not the helicopter parents/grandparents).

Calm down, stop with the craziness, take a deep breath, and realize that in the time between now and when applications are due (you kid is a junior FFS!), you child’s opinions/perceptions may change. But if you and your family continue on your paths of crazy, you will do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It seems like my deal would be
1. Apply to Princeton and anywhere else that you want but go wherever you want.
2. Not discuss college at all for the next 4-5 months.

If he finds a better school (for him) that he gets into then you will need to let him go. But if you are right and Princeton is his ticket, you should let the schools tell him that. He sounds smart and disciplined. If your family stops making this into melodrama I suspect he will choose the right path.

OP, I went to Princeton. I hated it so much I transferred to another, equally prestigious school (and perhaps more so in my chosen major). Two of my three freshman roommates also hated it and spent 4 miserable years. They told me they wished they'd had the guts to transfer. There really are better schools for some people and no school is the end all be all. But this isn't about Princeton in particular -- at my new school I was thrilled but saw people who also would have been happier elsewhere, but who went because it was the most prestigious school they got into.

If your son is this adamant he may just be contrary, but he is probably also be telling you he may need a different path. Give him a chance to do it reasonably.

OP here. Thank you this makes a lot of sense.

I am the poster of this idea. Glad you like it! Now you just need to get the rest of your family on board with this plan.

I will also say this gently -- you and your family need a little more reflection. Even by the snooty standards of DCUM your posts sound almost trollish -- you guys really have no idea how overprivileged you sound (oh the teasing if he attended a *lesser* ivy!) Perhaps you are just letting yourself speak honestly on an anonymous board but you may want to examine your thinking. In particular, college is clearly a big part of your family, but it is really contextual. Vey, very few people share your history with a college or even know more than a few people who do. Even on this board.
And for success, other connections and accomplishments are really key. Skills are key. There aren't as many places who will hire you just because you went to Princeton anymore -- it's really the whole person and all the things you've done and of course, yes your family and connections as much as ever. But if you focus on all the things you, your son and family have accomplished a little more I think you'll be in better shape. And yes, you need to understand that going to UC Berkeley or even Columbia isn't exactly the end of the world for people, even in Princeton means a lot in particular in your family. Focus your standards and expectations more broadly. The 21st century is going to be as different from the 20th as the 19th was from the 20th. It's a bumpy ride and I'm not sure how colleges are going to fare. It's not that they will evaporate but they will mean something different, surely, in 50 years than they do now.

This plan begs the crucial question which is does he get to choose which school he applies to SCEA? (Though if you offered him 12-14 months of no discussion, that might be its appeal!)

[Anonymous]

^From his POV.