At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

Where is the dad? Why hasn't he done any bus stop duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my reading of your OP, it looks like your neighbor just had newborn twins and is asking if you can take her older children to the bus stop with yours, correct?

As a dad of twins, I'll tell you that for us, the first 8.5 months was the hardest. That's when our twins slept more than 2-3 hours for the first time. This initial period was a haze of low sleep. If you can hold out until their twins STTN, then you will be doing them a very big favor. In our case, we only had twins, and did not have other children to care for, but I can understand and sympathize with both sides in this issue. The one complication is that since our twins were premies and NICU babies, we were advised not to take them out of the house for the first 6 weeks. That may have been what the new mom was originally targeting when she said "just a few weeks". However, the reality is that even after that point, it's hard to get yourself into a new routine when you are just trying to keep up with the every 3 hours schedule of sleep, feed, diaper, play. Trying to add anything in at that point seems difficult, but we've all had to make adjustments.

That said, parents of multiples generally do understand the imposition such favors and requests put on others. And are understanding and appreciative of your consideration. If you find that the burden is too much, then let the other mother know that while you are willing to take her kids to the bus stop occasionally, it's becoming difficult to do this on a daily basis and that she needs to work on coming up with an alternative. Then let her come up with an alternative plan.

HOLD OUT TILL TWINS STTN????
You must be insane. Why? She is not family, not compensated, she is an innocent bystander. Who gives a rat's tail what months are the hardest for you? YOU and your SPOUSE chose to have this number of children. DEAL. Hire labor ask a fam member to pitch in, quit your job. Neighbors are not free labor that you should count on. It's not their job or problem how your children get to the bus stop.

Did you just stop reading? I said that was the most difficult time. I said it she could find a way, that was how long the hardest part would last. I also offered something to say to the twin mom if OP found the burden too much and wanted to politely excuse herself from continuing the favor.

As for us, we did plan. Despite not having any family closer than 1000 miles away, we were pretty self-sufficient. We did not ask many favors and those who we did ask from were very good, long-term friends who we have done many favors for both before and after our kids were born. Other than typical neighborly requests (bring in mail or package delivery once in a while when we were on travel or being backup contacts for our alarm system) which we reciprocate, we don't ask much of our neighbors.

[Anonymous]

NP. The entitlement on this thread is breathtaking. I literally gasped in shock at some of the responses here.

I have two kids. Nobody helped us with them. We have no family in this country, and since we moved around different countries/states several times in recent years, no local friends to help either. Was it hard? Yes. Do I wish I had help? Yes. Did I consider for even a single second going to a neighbor and suggesting that I dump my kids onto them for 'just' 10 mins a day? No. With no pay? No. For weeks on end with the expectation to continue indefinitely? HELL NO.

I really, really want 4 kids. Always have. I think about it often. My time is ticking and I know that it's getting less and less likely. But we just can't do it right now. We wouldn't be able to handle it. I know that things would get much easier when they're older, but two is all we can handle right now. I'm sad about it every day. But it wouldn't occur to me in a million years to just pop out another kid and then expect that my neighbors would pick up the slack. And then guilt them for not continuing to give me free labor forever, or "at least a few more months until the babies at 8.5 months and STTN" (?!?!?!?!!??!?!) just because they have the unfortunate displeasure of living a couple houses down. That's outrageous.

Some people are out of their freaking minds. This thread honestly shows everything that's wrong with the world. If you get stuck and need help for a day because someone broke their arm on the swing set, feel free to ask your friendly neighbor. I'm sure they'd be genuinely happy to help you out to supervise your child while you take the other to the hospital. If you want to have a boat load of kids, you deal with them. That involves some planning, proper arrangements with willing participants, and yes, maybe even spending some money. Nobody owes you ANYTHING, let alone everything!

SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is full if crazy people. My neighbor brought me a lasagna when my children were born and I thought that was so kind and generous. Never in a million years would I ask/expect them to do what OP is doing.

But you didn’t have TWINNNNS! That makes you a non-newborn-parent on this thread! You have no clue what parenting TWINNNS is like! Don’t you know? TWINNN Parents have it harder than anyone! Nobody planned for TWINNNS, don’t have know!

+1,000,000 to both of you.

Lots of sanctimonious people feeling generous with other people's time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, and wow, this really took off.

To clear some things up:
-It will be a month this week I’ve been doing this.
-We drive because we are in a gated community and the bus picks up at the front.
-We could walk, but I head right to work. I don’t have time to walk back.
-Yes, it takes an extra 10 minutes because I don’t want to be late for any reason and then have to drive them all to school. I’ve been allowing extra time in case someone is running behind.

This just doesn't seem like a big deal to me and it's no doubt a huge help to her. Are her kids routinely late? Do they bring food and leave your car a mess? Are they rude to you or your kids? If not, just suck it up and help her out. It sounds like you don't have to leave 10 minutes earlier, that is just your preference.

I agree. I can't believe no one else picked up on the fact that OP doesn't have to take those 10 extra minutes she's complaining about but that she is deciding to leave 10 minutes early just in case someone happens to be running late.

OP, tell your neighbor that you have to leave for the bus at 7.30 and that you can't be late. If her kids aren't outside at 7.30, she'll have to find another way that day.

This is OP. Look, I leave 10 minutes earlier than usual because I can’t afford to be late to work. With the bus schedule, I barely make it as it is. If someone I can’t find a shoe, or is still stuffing papers in backpacks, or whatever, I can’t afford to miss the bus and drive them all to school. I just can’t. So I make sure we are collected and at the stop early enough. That’s *my* schedule. It’s what I have to do to ensure I make it to work on time.

So you leave early for your own kids anyway? Are the other kids late ever? I think it would be fine for you to say you can't wait around for the kids if they are late and their mom will just have to drive them. But really, 10 minutes is such a very small thing. If that is all that is making you feel put out, you need to relax.

And surely things can happen on your own commute that could cause you to be late. Do you have this much anxiety about that too?

Not with my own kids, because I know we are on time. I know when the bus leaves, and I know what time we need to be out the door to be there.

I do worry about things factoring in to my commute. That’s why I make sure I’m on time and don’t miss the bus, so I’m not later because I have to drive to the school.

Things on my commute making me late are out of my control. Allowing no time for kids that dawdle IS in my control.

[Anonymous]

Op, helping out in a pinch would be generous of you. You did almost a month. That is way more than is expected of you.

There are a lot of entitled a**holes on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The entitlement on this thread is breathtaking. I literally gasped in shock at some of the responses here.

I have two kids. Nobody helped us with them. We have no family in this country, and since we moved around different countries/states several times in recent years, no local friends to help either. Was it hard? Yes. Do I wish I had help? Yes. Did I consider for even a single second going to a neighbor and suggesting that I dump my kids onto them for 'just' 10 mins a day? No. With no pay? No. For weeks on end with the expectation to continue indefinitely? HELL NO.

I really, really want 4 kids. Always have. I think about it often. My time is ticking and I know that it's getting less and less likely. But we just can't do it right now. We wouldn't be able to handle it. I know that things would get much easier when they're older, but two is all we can handle right now. I'm sad about it every day. But it wouldn't occur to me in a million years to just pop out another kid and then expect that my neighbors would pick up the slack. And then guilt them for not continuing to give me free labor forever, or "at least a few more months until the babies at 8.5 months and STTN" (?!?!?!?!!??!?!) just because they have the unfortunate displeasure of living a couple houses down. That's outrageous.

Some people are out of their freaking minds. This thread honestly shows everything that's wrong with the world. If you get stuck and need help for a day because someone broke their arm on the swing set, feel free to ask your friendly neighbor. I'm sure they'd be genuinely happy to help you out to supervise your child while you take the other to the hospital. If you want to have a boat load of kids, you deal with them. That involves some planning, proper arrangements with willing participants, and yes, maybe even spending some money. Nobody owes you ANYTHING, let alone everything!

SMH.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my reading of your OP, it looks like your neighbor just had newborn twins and is asking if you can take her older children to the bus stop with yours, correct?

As a dad of twins, I'll tell you that for us, the first 8.5 months was the hardest. That's when our twins slept more than 2-3 hours for the first time. This initial period was a haze of low sleep. If you can hold out until their twins STTN, then you will be doing them a very big favor. In our case, we only had twins, and did not have other children to care for, but I can understand and sympathize with both sides in this issue. The one complication is that since our twins were premies and NICU babies, we were advised not to take them out of the house for the first 6 weeks. That may have been what the new mom was originally targeting when she said "just a few weeks". However, the reality is that even after that point, it's hard to get yourself into a new routine when you are just trying to keep up with the every 3 hours schedule of sleep, feed, diaper, play. Trying to add anything in at that point seems difficult, but we've all had to make adjustments.

That said, parents of multiples generally do understand the imposition such favors and requests put on others. And are understanding and appreciative of your consideration. If you find that the burden is too much, then let the other mother know that while you are willing to take her kids to the bus stop occasionally, it's becoming difficult to do this on a daily basis and that she needs to work on coming up with an alternative. Then let her come up with an alternative plan.

HOLD OUT TILL TWINS STTN????
You must be insane. Why? She is not family, not compensated, she is an innocent bystander. Who gives a rat's tail what months are the hardest for you? YOU and your SPOUSE chose to have this number of children. DEAL. Hire labor ask a fam member to pitch in, quit your job. Neighbors are not free labor that you should count on. It's not their job or problem how your children get to the bus stop.

Did you just stop reading? I said that was the most difficult time. I said if she could find a way, that was how long the hardest part would last. I also offered something to say to the twin mom if OP found the burden too much and wanted to politely excuse herself from continuing the favor.

As for us, we did plan. Despite not having any family closer than 1000 miles away, we were pretty self-sufficient. We did not ask many favors and those who we did ask from were very good, long-term friends who we have done many favors for both before and after our kids were born. Other than typical neighborly requests (bring in mail or package delivery once in a while when we were on travel or being backup contacts for our alarm system) which we reciprocate, we don't ask much of our neighbors.

Pretty sure she probably could "find a way". The question is, why should she?

She's already had the busiest time of the day disturbed and made harder almost every single day for the past several weeks. Isn't that enough? Isn't that already a "very big favor"??? Holy moly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, helping out in a pinch would be generous of you. You did almost a month. That is way more than is expected of you.

There are a lot of entitled a**holes on this thread.

I'm really, really hoping that there aren't actually a lot of those PPs and instead just one or two entitled people repeatedly commenting.

[Anonymous]

They knew they were having twins so they should have had a plan for the other kids they have. OP has done enough and now she wants to stop and she should without all these self absorbed posters making her feel bad. The parents need to hire morning help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is full if crazy people. My neighbor brought me a lasagna when my children were born and I thought that was so kind and generous. Never in a million years would I ask/expect them to do what OP is doing.

But you didn’t have TWINNNNS! That makes you a non-newborn-parent on this thread! You have no clue what parenting TWINNNS is like! Don’t you know? TWINNN Parents have it harder than anyone! Nobody planned for TWINNNS, don’t have know!

+1,000,000 to both of you.

Lots of sanctimonious people feeling generous with other people's time and effort.

This is what I can't believe! How you guys gonna tell this lady that this 10 minutes in meaningless and not a big deal? And I want to know is what is twin mom going to do if taxi mom is sick or her kids are sick or of they are missing school. Taxi mom still obligated to pick up Twin mom kids?

[Anonymous]

Where is OP's neighbor's husband. They are adults. I am sure that they had plans lined up for when the twins arrived.

This does really have a whiff of sexism to me. Yes, the postpartum stage is hard. But, we presumptively share our load with our coparents, most often man. But I don't see anyone suggesting that OP's DH help out with the driving, though it may just not work with her collective decision on scheduling, nor do I see anyone asking, more importantly where is the dad of these twins?

[Anonymous]

OP, can't you see if another neighbor can take another month? That way you are both getting out of it, and helping the mom out.

"Larla, I'm not able to take the kids to the bus stop after Nov 10, but Larlita said she could do it until Christmas."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, and wow, this really took off.

To clear some things up:
-It will be a month this week I’ve been doing this.
-We drive because we are in a gated community and the bus picks up at the front.
-We could walk, but I head right to work. I don’t have time to walk back.
-Yes, it takes an extra 10 minutes because I don’t want to be late for any reason and then have to drive them all to school. I’ve been allowing extra time in case someone is running behind.

This just doesn't seem like a big deal to me and it's no doubt a huge help to her. Are her kids routinely late? Do they bring food and leave your car a mess? Are they rude to you or your kids? If not, just suck it up and help her out. It sounds like you don't have to leave 10 minutes earlier, that is just your preference.

I agree. I can't believe no one else picked up on the fact that OP doesn't have to take those 10 extra minutes she's complaining about but that she is deciding to leave 10 minutes early just in case someone happens to be running late.

OP, tell your neighbor that you have to leave for the bus at 7.30 and that you can't be late. If her kids aren't outside at 7.30, she'll have to find another way that day.

This is OP. Look, I leave 10 minutes earlier than usual because I can’t afford to be late to work. With the bus schedule, I barely make it as it is. If someone I can’t find a shoe, or is still stuffing papers in backpacks, or whatever, I can’t afford to miss the bus and drive them all to school. I just can’t. So I make sure we are collected and at the stop early enough. That’s *my* schedule. It’s what I have to do to ensure I make it to work on time.

Since you have no flexibility on being late, and you know driving the kids to school is not an option, be honest with the mom and say that you are on a very tight schedule in the morning and the extra pick up of her kids won't work long term. Tell her how long you can do it for - another week. Another month whatever it is and then that so it. She will either do it herself or find another neighborhood parent.

And for those who are harping on the 10 minute thing, I used to do a commute that leaving just 5 minutes later than normal made the difference between getting to work in 30 minutes or getting to work in an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you see if another neighbor can take another month? That way you are both getting out of it, and helping the mom out.

"Larla, I'm not able to take the kids to the bus stop after Nov 10, but Larlita said she could do it until Christmas."

Why? Just why? Throw in setting up a meal train, too.