Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

OP - it sounds like you really see homosexuality as a choice. You've chosen "heterosexuality", so perhaps your own confusion as to sexual orientation is what's eliciting these strong feelings.

I don't see how it can be a choice, I am simply not attracted to people of the same sex. Also, I am not sure what there is to "introduce" to your kids. My kids are 5 and 2 and there is nothing to introduce. When do you plan to introduce heterosexuality to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus christ, you sound like a terrible sister that wants everything to be about her...And stop picturing you brother having sex, its freaking weird. Thankfully your kids were born in a generation where this is more accepted, so they probably won't be as bigoted as yourself.

It takes two people to have a relationship, right? If her brother wants to be close, he'll have to accommodate her emotional needs as well. Sorry, it's not all about him.

What are you suggesting, then? That she gets a say in who he dates?

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for your brother.
He told you because he was ready to share his happiness with you and you pushed him away.

Siblings are a bond like no other, you can say just about anything and still know that you are siblings forever. Sure, you could have said "holy shit, you have sex with guys?" or "omg, wtf, you don't like sex with girls?" or "what the hell are we going to say to mom and dad?" but to judge a sibling like that? Not cool.

Your brother needs unconditional sibling understanding and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus christ, you sound like a terrible sister that wants everything to be about her...And stop picturing you brother having sex, its freaking weird. Thankfully your kids were born in a generation where this is more accepted, so they probably won't be as bigoted as yourself.

It takes two people to have a relationship, right? If her brother wants to be close, he'll have to accommodate her emotional needs as well. Sorry, it's not all about him.

What are you suggesting, then? That she gets a say in who he dates?

I am suggesting the idea that her feelings are valid as well. There is no need to blame OP for making it about herself. She will be the one throwing up in her mouth every time she sees his partner because she wants to spend time with her brother.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the 10 pages of responses. Maybe this has been said, but perhaps therapy could help you get your sh!t together so that you can limit the damage you're doing to your relationship with your brother.

I'm sure DCUM could help you word your apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. Give yourself time to mourn and process. Maybe if you think about it as some sort of a sexual disorder it will make it easier to cope? Bad things happen to good people type of thing. If you don't want your kids to meet his partner, it's OK.

+1. I don't know why there is so much pearl clutching going on here. This whole "gay is good" movement is not even a decade old. It's going to take a lot of people a lot of time to get used to Adam and Steve renting out wombs to make a "family" and other variations on what is the norm.

How incredibly crass. The "gay is good movement" (or: prejudice and bigotry against gay people isn't so great movement) might have started with Stonewall in the 1970s. Maybe you were around for the "normalization" of gay people in the 1990s with shows like Will & Grace.

We aren't all so closed-minded: some of us have been allies for the past 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all this - only suggestion would be to go attend a PFLAG meeting. The wise Dan Savage advises people coming out to family to give those family members a short time to be assholes and process the news - then to go to PFLAG or find some other way of becoming the loving, accepting relatives they ought to be.

[Anonymous]

My brother is gay and our family holidays have always included friends of his whose families were like you. It's your loss. Go to pflag.

[Anonymous]

OP my friend was in a very similar situation--brother came out as an adult, his sister (my friend) flipped and couldn't get over the gay thing and they never reconciled. He killed himself. She lives with that.

[Anonymous]

Being gay isn't a choice. It's an intrinsic aspect of himself like height or eye color- no different than your heterosexuality. It probably took him this long to come to terms with it because he grew up in a homophobic environment. He was probably afraid of being rejected by his family/friends. Show some empathy. Imagine being rejected/ostracized/discriminated against because of your love for your dh.

Stop thinking about his sex life. It is none of your business. Frankly, it is offensive to reduce your brother's relationship with his partner to sex. This is someone he loves enough that he's willing to come out of the closet and risk rejection by his family. He wants to introduce his partner to you in the same way that you presumably wanted to introduce your dh to him.

With that being said, if you don't want to intercede with your parents on his behalf then don't. It is ultimately his responsibility to define his relationship to your parents. It would be great if you could support him but since you don't, stay neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus christ, you sound like a terrible sister that wants everything to be about her...And stop picturing you brother having sex, its freaking weird. Thankfully your kids were born in a generation where this is more accepted, so they probably won't be as bigoted as yourself.

It takes two people to have a relationship, right? If her brother wants to be close, he'll have to accommodate her emotional needs as well. Sorry, it's not all about him.

What are you suggesting, then? That she gets a say in who he dates?

I am suggesting the idea that her feelings are valid as well. There is no need to blame OP for making it about herself. She will be the one throwing up in her mouth every time she sees his partner because she wants to spend time with her brother.

Ah, so you are implying that people only have relationships with couples whose sex lives present an image that is appealing to them. Do you really think your friends (if you have any) enjoy the thought of you and your spouse having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a lesbian, I honestly don't get how you can be so overcome by this.

I understand your image of him has shifted, but only a few degrees and the face beside his in your fantasy is now a man's instead of a "nice girl's" (what, are we back in 1950?).

However, the fact that it took him two years to tell you tells me you have made it clear to him that you would never approve of gay people. So don't be surprised when you get 10 pages of people telling you "Yes, you're a bigot."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus christ, you sound like a terrible sister that wants everything to be about her...And stop picturing you brother having sex, its freaking weird. Thankfully your kids were born in a generation where this is more accepted, so they probably won't be as bigoted as yourself.

It takes two people to have a relationship, right? If her brother wants to be close, he'll have to accommodate her emotional needs as well. Sorry, it's not all about him.

What are you suggesting, then? That she gets a say in who he dates?

I am suggesting the idea that her feelings are valid as well. There is no need to blame OP for making it about herself. She will be the one throwing up in her mouth every time she sees his partner because she wants to spend time with her brother.

Ah, so you are implying that people only have relationships with couples whose sex lives present an image that is appealing to them. Do you really think your friends (if you have any) enjoy the thought of you and your spouse having sex?

Nobody has images of sex life. It's just the thought of it. Kind of when you talk to your kids about birth control, you don't really imagine anything.
Besides sex, what about them being affectionate at family get togethers? Like hugging and kissing? Some people would find it revolting. Homosexuality is a deviation from social norm so yes, it's hard for some to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I am sorry but this makes me sick. My brother (parents only son) is gay and I couldn't be prouder or happier for him. Get over yourself OP. Your brother needs you to support him not have a shifty attitude. I seriously cannot believe this kind of crap still exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only advice is to remind you that this is not about you. You are way over thinking it. He is still your brother. You need to accept him for who he is.

This is my advice too. I know it can be hard to adjust to a different understanding of who your brother is. Try to remember he is still the great guy he's always been. This is just one aspect of your brother's identity, but also a very important one. It's obvious he loves you and wants very much for you to be part of his life. Take the time you need to process, but try to avoid a cutoff or distancing with your brother. If you do so I think you'll both regret it.