Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

So why did he say it at that point then (upon hearing her non-Spanish first name)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

Once again, someone on DCUM misinterprets a statement and turns it into something it wasn't. Shocking, I know.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like a reasonable person and I'm sorry that you and your daughter have had to deal with this. I am not Hispanic but am often mistaken as one (I'm mixed race and can pass for a lot of things) and have experienced subtle racism all my life. It sucks. I have two children, one of who look more like me (racial minority) and the other like her Scandinavian dad (blonde hair, blue eyes). It has been interesting and eye opening to see how people treat them differently because of the way they look, and am sure there will be challenges as they grow older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

So why did he say it at that point then (upon hearing her non-Spanish first name)?

Maybe the girl looks Hispanic?? Sounds like it was one of the first things out of his mouth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

So why did he say it at that point then (upon hearing her non-Spanish first name)?

He said it when he saw her, obviously. He didn't realize it because she was probably referred to as just first name in their household. Then he saw her and realized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

So why did he say it at that point then (upon hearing her non-Spanish first name)?

Why do you continue trying to disprove that OP's child experienced racism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

So why did he say it at that point then (upon hearing her non-Spanish first name)?

He said it when he saw her, obviously. He didn't realize it because she was probably referred to as just first name in their household. Then he saw her and realized.

+1 My son kept mentioning a friend from school named "Maria." I assumed the girl was Latina. Turns out her name is "Mariya," which is a relatively common name in the Muslim world because it was the name of one of the Prophet's wives. It never would have occurred to my son to tell me her last name, or to point out that she was North African.

Because I'm adult with some semblance of a filter, and am not a racist dick, I did NOT blurt you "Oh, I didn't know you were African" when I met her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for the thoughtful responses. To clear one thing up, I truly believe that the word that was said was "spic" and not "Hispanic." DD knows she is Hispanic. She knows Latino/a. She is learning that some people are white, black, Asian, etc. But she is very aware of the term Hispanic. As far as I know, she had never heard spic before. I'll allow that it's certainly not said as often as I'm sure it once was, but it is definitely in usage these days. DD asked me "what is a spic?" I asked her if she meant Hispanic and she was firm that it was "uh-spic" and she didn't know what that was. Then I asked her how she heard it and got the story about the dad.

After I thought about it, my plan was to reach out to the mom and mention what I heard and see if she knew anything about it. Like a PP suggested, clue her in but not accuse. We've communicated on Facebook, so I went on there to message her. From there I saw the dad's page, which is full of shared anti-immigration/"illegals" posts. So I decided not to contact the mom, and not say anything. Safe to say DD will not be going over to that house anymore. I think we will probably still have the child over if DD asks (and her parents allow).

For those of you who questioned whether there was any ill intent, it's very hard to describe. I'm not one to say "you don't understand because you haven't been there," but really, I feel like those who are minorities understand in a way that white people just can't. It's hard to describe. Many new people I get to know are surprised that I "speak English so good" or have multiple college degrees, despite being born in a lowly Central American country. Or when most people assume DH, a teacher, teaches Spanish, which itself is a subtle burn--what else would he be qualified for? And he would only get that kind of job because he grew up speaking the language (meaning it wasn't the result of talent or work on his part). New neighbors assume we rent our house, and ask DH where he's from (answer: Maryland). Those things may not be mean or outwardly racist, but they do make us feel like we are looked down upon, and not fully "like" everyone else. And of course, participating in the school forums on DCUM which always have many posts ranking schools as undesirable because of a high Hispanic population, which means the kids don't speak English and the parents don't value education. MY kids are represented in those Hispanic figures, but if these many posters just look at the figures, they will assume my kids are making the school bad. It's hard not to see the racism everywhere when it truly is (almost?) everywhere.

To say you've never heard the word spic, or hardly ever hear it, well, I'm guessing nobody would ever call you that. But I've heard it plenty.

Anyway, thank you for the responses, especially those of you who understand how much words can hurt.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had those bad experiences. I won't go into detail but I've experienced not the same things but some similar things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

What's with the shocked look? Oriental may be outdated terminology, but it's not a hateful slur. It would be like calling a black person a Negro. Very antiquated, but not inherently hateful.

Chink is a slur. Not "Oriental."

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you and your daughter experienced this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

What's with the shocked look? Oriental may be outdated terminology, but it's not a hateful slur. It would be like calling a black person a Negro. Very antiquated, but not inherently hateful.

Chink is a slur. Not "Oriental."

NP here. The term is derogatory. End of story. And for future reference, unless you are in the group of people who may be called that word, you don't get to decide whether a particular term is a slur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

How could they know whether people they know have or have not been victims of bigotry. Are you seriously defending these posters? It's just an ignorant point of view (ignorant meant in the correct sense of the word, not stupid).