S/o SAHMs - why do so many men want one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

So you a poly marriage? Moved out to Utah. No one will bat an eye.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to quote since it's already long enough, but in my opinion, for parents who both want to work, the best situation is to have flexible jobs. Obviously this does not apply for families where one parent stays at home, but for those that don't having flexible jobs is key. DH and I have that and honestly our kids spend very little time in daycare and we have time to make home cooked meals and have a clean house (we don't outsource anything). Our weekends are spent doing things as a family not running around getting errands done.

The all or nothing portrait of life with a SAH parent or life with two working parents gets old. Most people I know fall somewhere in between. I know plenty of SAHMs who don't cook a home cooked meal every night or have spotless houses and plenty of families with WOH parents who have very flexible schedules/jobs and maybe use daycare one or two days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

My H would have hated never taking kids to the doctors, he really valued being a part of that.
My H loves snow days, are you serious that your H has never taken a snow day off to spend the day with the kids?
He never gave your kids a bath? Never read books to them before bed?
We have somebody clean our house and our kids are at school all day so it does not really get too dirty.

Let me guess he never "HAD TO" coach a sport, help with a play, volunteer in the classroom, go on a field trip, help with homework, get to know your children.

No nanny or daycare? Do you also home school?

Maybe life is "easier" but is not spending time with your kids and being fully a part of their life "better"?

We definitely have "different values".

Surely you are smart enough to see the point. Of course my DH took kids to the doctor. He loved snows days! He's a Fed so he usually gets the day off as well. But because I am home, he has never HAD to miss a meeting or call in sick. Because I am home, his last minute travel is never an issue.

If you can't see how having a parent at home makes like easier, I don't know what else to say. I've often joked that I would have returned to work earlier had I had a SAH wife. Our life is and always has been fairly simple. We don't rush around from activity to activity. We enjoy a much, much slower paced life even when we are in DC. That hamster wheel so many people are on holds no value to us.

I don't see that your life is easier. Maybe my level of comfort for a last minute change is higher than yours. I don't see the value in you sitting at home all day while the kids are at school because you are unorganized or unable to handle last minute changes or your husband is not involved in the kids lives.

Surely you are smart enough to see the point. Of course my DH is closer to our kids than yours, he put kids/family before work/travel. It was quite easy to put others before himself. Maybe me working made that life sytle possible.

NP. Just to be clear, you don't think having a person dedicated to handling domestic affairs makes the handling of domestic affairs easier for that family?

You have 168 hours in any given week that you can allocate in any way you wish. If you're working 8 hours a day + 1 hour lunch, your already taking about 25% of you time. Assuming your spouse has the same schedule, the percentage is the same. For comparison, the SAHM's traveling husband would have to be working 85 hours a week every single week just to match the time you and your husband likely allocate to paid work.

In reality, the husband probably works 60ish hours a week on the high end and his family already has 25+ more hours in a week to devote to non-paid work activities. And you can't see how they would have it easier?

No I don't see being a married single parent is easier. I work 6-2:30, home at 3, flexible workplace. I WAH 2 days a week. My H does morning routine with me and alone 3 days a week. My H works 8:30-4:30, home by 5. We cook as a family, do homework as a family, do sports as a family, we go on hikes in the evening, garden when the weather is nicer, play some basketball, go on a bike ride. We read together as a family every night. That sounds like a nice easy life.

The OP has a husband that is absent/traveling often and uninvolved when he is around... no doctor's appointments/no snow days/no volunteering.

He gets home after the kids are bathed and in pajamas. That means he never is even home to play outside, toss a ball, take a walk, cook some food. HE IS NEVER THERE UNTIL THE KIDS ARE READY FOR BED.

Oh wait, i mean, let me change my story... NOPE, you told the story, absent father and husband... NO THANK YOU.

You should learn how to read.

1. PP said her kids were bathed and in pajamas so that the FAMILY could enjoy dinner and relax together in the evening when the husband got home.

2. Not being involved in the unexpected interruptions of routine (snow days, sick kids) is not the same as not being involved period. In fact, PP specifically said that her husband was around for some of those things. The point she clearly made is that unexpected interruptions to routine never caused a work conflict.

3. You can't escape simple math: You and your husband, like every other couple on the planet, have 336 total hours in any given week. If the two of you are dedicating a total of 90 hours a week (conservative estimate) to paid work, and PP's husband is dedicating 60 hours per week to paid work (aggressive estimate for someone who is a Fed), PP's faimly already has 30 more hours per week to dedicate to everything else outside of paid work.

But, yeah, you've got it easier.

[Anonymous]

1. So they go out and ride bikes, play basketball, go for a walk in their pajamas. Okay, sure they are doing tons of quality time.
2. She described an absent father then changed her story, I believe the original story not her rewrite.
3. I agree that she has more time to sit around and do nothing. But she is also at home all by herself parenting her children without a father to help. She bathes them alone, does their homework alone, makes dinner alone, that is not easier.

Sorry, I like my life better. She is okay with her life, that is great. But I don't see her life as better or easier. It sound lonely and miserable. Many women like to do the family thing without their H because he just gets in the way. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Funny... SAHM's always argue staying at home is so much harder than going to work. A WOHM agrees it is harder and she is being attacked. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

How do you work at home as a physician?
Snd have you hired help to do all that stuff? That's a lot of kids.

I don't work at home. WOHM stands for "work out of home mom"

I have a nanny (which is cheaper than daycare with four kids) and a housecleaning company that comes once a week. I have had a housekeeper 20 hours a week, a lawn guy, etc. But as I said earlier in the thread, it was a lot to manage a "staff" to run my home. We now just live in a small house in a blue collar neighborhood and got rid of most of our stuff.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the earlier poster who said everyone should tune out the noise and do what is best for their family, first and foremost.

One thing that I do find troubling is the notion of spouse never having unexpected interruptions that can cause a work conflict. The reality is that most of us have to deal with these conflicts at some point, so if a supervisor never has to themselves, he/she can have unrealistic expectations of the challenges others are facing. I see this a lot in my national security agency where retired marine colonels who had SAHWs and are now SES are often so unsupportive of paternity leave for their male staff. Not everyone with a SAHP does this of course, but I don't think we should hold up as virtuous the notion that the working parent should never have to roll with change. That makes work the center of life, not the family. And it sets others in the work force up to a bar that is so hard to meet if you do have an issue with last minute travel, sick kids, etc. Just something to think about, as people work through their own list of pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

It sounds like you lived two separate lives. You raised the kids and he earned the money. A lot of men and women want something different these days. We both have flexible jobs that allow us both to enjoy snow days and not stress about sick days. But of course 30 years ago things were different and people couldn't work remotely etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

Sign me up! I'm in love!

I'm a SAHM and often feel so underappreciated for all of the above items you listed that constitute my average day. Mom of 3DC and a very supportive DH. Let's just say, I have them all spoiled!

One drawback, though. I'm often too tired for sex.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and have a maid and lawn guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Totally agree with this. I stayed home for eight years until they were ready for elementary school. It made our lives easier and our kids happy. Wouldn't trade that time for the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Doing different things for eight hours during the day doesn't mean you have separate lives. Geez.

It sounds like you lived two separate lives. You raised the kids and he earned the money. A lot of men and women want something different these days. We both have flexible jobs that allow us both to enjoy snow days and not stress about sick days. But of course 30 years ago things were different and people couldn't work remotely etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to quote since it's already long enough, but in my opinion, for parents who both want to work, the best situation is to have flexible jobs. Obviously this does not apply for families where one parent stays at home, but for those that don't having flexible jobs is key. DH and I have that and honestly our kids spend very little time in daycare and we have time to make home cooked meals and have a clean house (we don't outsource anything). Our weekends are spent doing things as a family not running around getting errands done.

The all or nothing portrait of life with a SAH parent or life with two working parents gets old. Most people I know fall somewhere in between. I know plenty of SAHMs who don't cook a home cooked meal every night or have spotless houses and plenty of families with WOH parents who have very flexible schedules/jobs and maybe use daycare one or two days a week.

+1

I WAH full-time as a GS-15 Fed. $165k.

DH is private consultant. $450k. WAH on Fridays. Coaches soccer.

Kids have nobody but us. No before or after-care. One of us walks them to school and I am home all day---but working and making $ and saving towards retirement.

My husband never wanted a SAH. He would resent it if he was the sole breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I don't get it - you were willing to do everything to avoid daycare, yet you never "sent a child to daycare sick"? Did you send them in healthy? Which is it? If you never sent them in, healthy or sick, why not just say that? Or did you relax your stand on daycare?

[Anonymous]

SAHMS rock!