Is "making dinner" part of your SAHM job description?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I wonder why you even posted here. You have a defensive argument for every point brought against you. Most of us (sah, woh, moms, dads) think you should be putting dinner on the table and it's actually rare when a dcum thread is in such consensus.

So what was the point of you posting this?

Not to totally prove your point about disagreeing-sorry- but actually id say the majority have put up some really great suggestions for discussing the issue and offering suggestions for a better way to communicate on the issue than we have been doing this far, and I title agree and am inspired esp by those of who who have actually talked about what works! There are so many resentful moms posting in relationships be DH isn't doing fair share, and I don't want to be resentful, which is prob why I avoid the cooking, but now I'm thinking if I cook 2x per week and DH cooks 2x per week that could work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you that cooking/planning/shopping is a tedious chore. That said, it's necessary, so we've found ways to work it into our schedule so that it's not so challenging.

Sunday afternoon during nap time, we go through the pantry/fridge and throw out any old leftovers/expired things. Then we come up with 3 meals for the week, and make a list of ingredients needed. I also put anything for lunches, household things, etc on there.

When DS wakes up from his nap, we alternate weeks of who takes him to the grocery store and knocks out the list. The other one does some other errand at home (or enjoys an hour of quiet!) The next weekend we switch who goes. DS loves the grocery store, and it's nice to have routine.

During the week, it's so much easier to prep stuff if there is a plan and you don't have to think. I don't usually start dinner prep until DH comes home, because one of us needs to watch DS, but then we'll "barter" for the job. "If I cook, will you watch DS and do dishes?" "If I do dishes and bath time, will you cook?"

Sounds like there's just a huge mismatch of expectations here. TALK. Figure out a solution that works for both of you. There is a huge range between "1950s housewife" and "fend for yourself".

I don't get this. Why does one need to "watch" the baby 100% of the time to the point that you can't prep a meal? It is good for a baby to have some independent play time -- get a play pen or gate off a childproofed room or if you have space let them play with pots and pans/tupperware while you are in the kitchen (depending on your space and what you are doing). And, if the baby can't tolerate being unstimulated by the parent for 15 minutes then he really needs to learn.

NP here. I've never met a 1-year-old who could entertain himself for more than a few minutes at a time. Any time I tried to cook the baby would scream non-stop from behind a gate the entire time until cooking became an unbearable task. Like the pp, I couldn't cook dinner until dh had come home and it stayed that way until the kids were several years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

LOL. So you only have a voice if you have a job?

Who are you backwards people?!

The house stuff including dinner IS her job. Her husband is bringing home the money to support her. That's his job. Not the way I would run my family, but if they're running theirs that way then she needs to do her part.

Newsflash - it's not 1950.

Obviously the house stuff is not her JOB. Sounds like she's already pitching in plenty with the baby, cleaning, laundry, etc. They just need to work out how to better handle food, but it's not her JOB.

How is it more modern/more equitable for someone who brings in literally zero income and stays home all day to do LESS work than a SAH spouse did in 1950?? The SAH still has plenty of time to do these things, and should.

1. Not all SAHPs bring in zero income. Or haven't contributed significantly financially in recent past.
2. Parents are way more involved and engaged with their children now than they were 50 years ago. Classes, playgrounds, etc. Not just throwing baby in a playpen to tend to the house and make DH's martini.
3. People outsource more these days - landscapers, cleaning crews, etc.

Families should decide how to divide up parenting and household responsibilities so it seems fair to everyone but it just doesn't automatically all fall onto the SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hilarious. I'm a WAHM mom (in the telecommuting sense, not "I sell Jamberry" sense) and I still make dinner 6/7 nights for DH and DC. Because, you know, I'm home.

So...you cook dinner on company or taxpayer time.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP's DH, I would think she hates/doesn't respect me. Can't imagine being so self-centered in a marriage (and no, they fact that OP is home with their child does not make her less self-centered when it comes to her DH and marriage).

[Anonymous]

Working mom here, and IMO this thread belongs in the Relationship forum, not the Food forum.

As others have stated, there is a serious disconnect between your understanding and expectation of your full-time job (which you seem to view as "parent") and your DH's understanding and expectation of your full-time job (which he possibly views as "parent and household/family manager"). In your view, you are exceeding expectations by keeping the house clean. In his view, food is in short supply and therefore you are failing at your job. I don't think it's a question of which of you is right, it's a question of being in agreement about the roles that each of you play in keeping your family up and running.

In most families I know with a SAHP, the one that is at home cooks, which includes the meal planning and grocery shopping. I do know one family where the working parent cooks most of the meals. They all grocery shop as a family on the weekend, the SAHP gets things prepped or defrosted, but the WOHP is the one who actually enjoys and is good at cooking.

It is a hassle when the type of food and the timing for your 1yr old and the working parent(s) meals don't line up, but you just go with it. Grab a roast chicken and steam some veggies to go with the baked potato for you and your DH. Your toddler then eats small pieces of chicken, cut-up pieces of broccoli, bits of potato, and some fruit.

Talk with your DH. He's not being unreasonable in his expectation, but the two of you just aren't on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I WOH FT. I pick my kid up at daycare, go home, bathe him, then make dinner. My husband shows up about the time dinner is getting on the table.

On the weekends, I cook dinner while my toddler is napping. What do you do while your baby naps, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

LOL. So you only have a voice if you have a job?

Who are you backwards people?!

The house stuff including dinner IS her job. Her husband is bringing home the money to support her. That's his job. Not the way I would run my family, but if they're running theirs that way then she needs to do her part.

Newsflash - it's not 1950.

Obviously the house stuff is not her JOB. Sounds like she's already pitching in plenty with the baby, cleaning, laundry, etc. They just need to work out how to better handle food, but it's not her JOB.

It has nothing to do with being 1950 and more about dividing tasks in ways that make the most sense. In many homes whoever is home most, gets home first, enjoys it more, etc. handles most of the food prep. Tney clearly don't seem to be on the same page about how things should be divided.

Agree, but meals don't automatically just fall on her as her JOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I WOH FT. I pick my kid up at daycare, go home, bathe him, then make dinner. My husband shows up about the time dinner is getting on the table.

On the weekends, I cook dinner while my toddler is napping. What do you do while your baby naps, OP?

When does your DH cook?

[Anonymous]

I don't see what's so elaborate about making two bakes potatoes, frankly. This bean counting comes from some damage and will hurt your family. Stick two potatoes in the oven, it's not hard even with a dozen of babies, let alone one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working mom here, and IMO this thread belongs in the Relationship forum, not the Food forum.

As others have stated, there is a serious disconnect between your understanding and expectation of your full-time job (which you seem to view as "parent") and your DH's understanding and expectation of your full-time job (which he possibly views as "parent and household/family manager"). In your view, you are exceeding expectations by keeping the house clean. In his view, food is in short supply and therefore you are failing at your job. I don't think it's a question of which of you is right, it's a question of being in agreement about the roles that each of you play in keeping your family up and running.

In most families I know with a SAHP, the one that is at home cooks, which includes the meal planning and grocery shopping. I do know one family where the working parent cooks most of the meals. They all grocery shop as a family on the weekend, the SAHP gets things prepped or defrosted, but the WOHP is the one who actually enjoys and is good at cooking.

It is a hassle when the type of food and the timing for your 1yr old and the working parent(s) meals don't line up, but you just go with it. Grab a roast chicken and steam some veggies to go with the baked potato for you and your DH. Your toddler then eats small pieces of chicken, cut-up pieces of broccoli, bits of potato, and some fruit.

Talk with your DH. He's not being unreasonable in his expectation, but the two of you just aren't on the same page.

Op here- thanks and great way to frame the issue! I have to go to bed-thanks for your thoughts! I'm going to talk to DH about it and figure out a plan. I agree as DS gets older we need to do better.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it only takes like 30 minutes to cook dinner. If you'd rather work outside the house, then do it. Nothing is stopping you. I just don't understand why women sign up to be SAHMs and then hate 90% of the job description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you that cooking/planning/shopping is a tedious chore. That said, it's necessary, so we've found ways to work it into our schedule so that it's not so challenging.

Sunday afternoon during nap time, we go through the pantry/fridge and throw out any old leftovers/expired things. Then we come up with 3 meals for the week, and make a list of ingredients needed. I also put anything for lunches, household things, etc on there.

When DS wakes up from his nap, we alternate weeks of who takes him to the grocery store and knocks out the list. The other one does some other errand at home (or enjoys an hour of quiet!) The next weekend we switch who goes. DS loves the grocery store, and it's nice to have routine.

During the week, it's so much easier to prep stuff if there is a plan and you don't have to think. I don't usually start dinner prep until DH comes home, because one of us needs to watch DS, but then we'll "barter" for the job. "If I cook, will you watch DS and do dishes?" "If I do dishes and bath time, will you cook?"

Sounds like there's just a huge mismatch of expectations here. TALK. Figure out a solution that works for both of you. There is a huge range between "1950s housewife" and "fend for yourself".

I don't get this. Why does one need to "watch" the baby 100% of the time to the point that you can't prep a meal? It is good for a baby to have some independent play time -- get a play pen or gate off a childproofed room or if you have space let them play with pots and pans/tupperware while you are in the kitchen (depending on your space and what you are doing). And, if the baby can't tolerate being unstimulated by the parent for 15 minutes then he really needs to learn.

NP here. I've never met a 1-year-old who could entertain himself for more than a few minutes at a time. Any time I tried to cook the baby would scream non-stop from behind a gate the entire time until cooking became an unbearable task. Like the pp, I couldn't cook dinner until dh had come home and it stayed that way until the kids were several years old.

As soon as DC could sit up I put her in her Uppababy or high chair at the kitchen counter and talked to her while I cooked. Now she's a toddler and sits on the counter and "helps" by putting carrots I just cut in the bowl, etc.

Recognizing that some children are really clingy and will fuss at not being held, surely most kids are like mine and would be chill if you're still very close at hand, talking to them, and they can see what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

My husband & I both work however he can work at home and gets home earlier than I do. We share dinner duties. A few nights of the week he does it, I do the other days. But when I have to commute for an hour each way, get groceries, then come home and rush to make dinner, it is very irksome considering he has been home for several hours and I've been gone for 10+ hours. So I do not think it's too much to ask for you to spend some time making dinner. Since it is just the 2 1/2 mouths to feed, I would suggest making extra and having leftovers. Get some pre-made soups from Costco and freeze it for those days when you are tired. Bags of salad are great for easy dinners & throw some deli meat & cheese it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WOH FT. I pick my kid up at daycare, go home, bathe him, then make dinner. My husband shows up about the time dinner is getting on the table.

On the weekends, I cook dinner while my toddler is napping. What do you do while your baby naps, OP?

When does your DH cook?

He doesn't.