What is it like to be a family at an elite NWDC Private who can just barely afford it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those parents who are full pay, what type of family are you OK subsidizing? I've been following the comments and I'm trying to understand what you all believe is deserving? Is it a family on government assistance who want better for their children? Or do you think how dare someone on public assistance feel their children should be able to go to a wealthy school? Is it someone who works for McDonads or Walmart? Is it someone who is a single parent and is an Administrative Assistance?

I too find it odd that a lawyer would qualify for any financial aid, I thought all of them
even government ones made a nice big salary. But if you don't think someone deserves financial aid just because of the title of their job, then who are you OK subsidizing? I've been researching schools for middle school and now I feel awkward even thinking this is a possibility because maybe my kids won't be judged but a rich parent or one who finds a way to pay the full price and struggle resents that I didn't find a way to make enough money to send my kid to the same school as theirs.

Also, isn't most of the school's focused on diversity in social class, race, religion, etc. If so, how do they accomplish that if you only think kids who parents can scrap up the money to afford it or the very wealthy should be able to go.

Literally, none. I'd favor lowering the tuition for everyone. And adding some merit scholarships to attract amazing students -- what matters is the individual student, not the family or the racial/ social category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, DOJ is not really public service. Many, many attorneys there prefer a more sane work schedule, and do not want to stress themselves out slaving away at a firm working 80+ hours a week. I don't blame them for making that choice, but I can't say that they're making huge sacrifices for the good of the public.

Most people who have not worked in the public sector think that the sacrifice is only in pay. In reality it is public service because the bureaucracy is so bad and some of the people you interact with are so stupid it is a sacrifice to bite your tongue and focus on the goal.

Wait you think biglaw doesn't have drawbacks that bad and worse like sociopathic partners, incompetent support staff, unrealistic clients?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, DOJ is not really public service. Many, many attorneys there prefer a more sane work schedule, and do not want to stress themselves out slaving away at a firm working 80+ hours a week. I don't blame them for making that choice, but I can't say that they're making huge sacrifices for the good of the public.

Most people who have not worked in the public sector think that the sacrifice is only in pay. In reality it is public service because the bureaucracy is so bad and some of the people you interact with are so stupid it is a sacrifice to bite your tongue and focus on the goal.

Wait you think biglaw doesn't have drawbacks that bad and worse like sociopathic partners, incompetent support staff, unrealistic clients?

Of course it does. But you are paid well to compensate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, DOJ is not really public service. Many, many attorneys there prefer a more sane work schedule, and do not want to stress themselves out slaving away at a firm working 80+ hours a week. I don't blame them for making that choice, but I can't say that they're making huge sacrifices for the good of the public.

Most people who have not worked in the public sector think that the sacrifice is only in pay. In reality it is public service because the bureaucracy is so bad and some of the people you interact with are so stupid it is a sacrifice to bite your tongue and focus on the goal.

Wait you think biglaw doesn't have drawbacks that bad and worse like sociopathic partners, incompetent support staff, unrealistic clients?

Of course it does. But you are paid well to compensate.

You also sacrifice your free time. I worked at a big firm, and I've worked at DOJ. I'm not sure what definition of public service we're all going to agree on, but the way I see it, many DOJ attorneys enjoy their work and get paid decent money for it. Many of the attorneys I knew at DOJ left law firms for a better quality of life, not because of a burning desire to be a public servant---those types work at non-profits making peanuts compared to what DOJ attorneys make.

[Anonymous]

I went to an elite private school in NJ. And one of things I struggled with as a student was knowing how many brilliant and amazing classmates I had, and how few career opportunities were presented to us outside of medicine, law, and especially high finance. Our society needs of course great doctors, lawyers, and economists, but we also need amazing teachers, non-profit leaders, coaches, small business leaders. And youth, even high school students, are pretty impressionable, and need the encouragement to be successful doesn't automatically mean to follow high income career.

While I understand the high earner's subsidy argument, I think the net result is a school that is very narrow in its vision for its community and the future of its kids.

It almost sounds like a club, and a not a school preparing kids, in the fullest way, for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, DOJ is not really public service. Many, many attorneys there prefer a more sane work schedule, and do not want to stress themselves out slaving away at a firm working 80+ hours a week. I don't blame them for making that choice, but I can't say that they're making huge sacrifices for the good of the public.

Most people who have not worked in the public sector think that the sacrifice is only in pay. In reality it is public service because the bureaucracy is so bad and some of the people you interact with are so stupid it is a sacrifice to bite your tongue and focus on the goal.

Wait you think biglaw doesn't have drawbacks that bad and worse like sociopathic partners, incompetent support staff, unrealistic clients?

Of course it does. But you are paid well to compensate.

You also sacrifice your free time. I worked at a big firm, and I've worked at DOJ. I'm not sure what definition of public service we're all going to agree on, but the way I see it, many DOJ attorneys enjoy their work and get paid decent money for it. Many of the attorneys I knew at DOJ left law firms for a better quality of life, not because of a burning desire to be a public servant---those types work at non-profits making peanuts compared to what DOJ attorneys make.

Exactly.

Since when is $130k not being "paid well" to compensate for any number of conveniences, especially for a non-biglaw schedule. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

I am a federal government attorney and would never in a million years expect FA for my children or expect someone to subsidize them. I chose my job knowing full well what financial tradeoffs there would be. If I really wanted/needed to make more money it is incumbent upon me to make it happen even if that means working a more strenuous schedule. The sense of entitlement from incredibly well educated lawyers is just disgusting. What message does that send to children? If you want something badly enough but aren't willing to work for it don't worry those other harder working suckers will pay for it? FA really should be for those individuals whose professions would never allow them to send a child to private, e.g. police officer, plumber, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private school in the late 90s with a lot of wealth, though none of it particularly ostentatious, and I was certainly on the lowest end of the full pay students. My parents had good professional jobs - not doctors or lawyers, but they made good salaries. We definitely lived in a lesser house than we could have because of private school, and what some PPs are saying about resenting their parents for having little choice in the school choice matter resonates with me.

I had friends and did fine by myself socially, but I never really bought into the community and unlike many students, I wanted off campus as soon as the day was over. I am not sure if this is because I am more introverted and preferred relationships with my smaller circle of friends -- some of whom were very very rich and others who were on FA -- or because I didn't like the "scene." As an adult, I now know both of these things are true of me.

You will be keenly aware that others have much more and do much more. I saw this affect some friends not at all, and others a great deal (resulting in huge complexes and lifelong mistakes as a result of feeling less than). The thing is, you don't know how it'll affect a kid, and you don't know who their friends will be.

Yes, there were drugs. Some of my more social climbing friends tried them all. I never did.

As an adult, I admit to being jealous of my peers who have had homes bought for them, take their kids to Europe, and have very impressive pedigrees. Anyone who isn't a little jealous is lying. I also am aware and appreciate that a lot of my life experiences that are on the more fancy side are a direct results of where I went to private school, and that's neat I guess.

I wouldn't send my kid to a fancy private school, and I would perhaps consider private high school if the place we live at the time necessitates that option.

So many things about this post resonate with me. Our family did get FA, although my parents were both educated, working professionals. It was an amazing education, and I still credit it to this day, to the extent that I really want my DC to have the same private school academic advantages. However, I was one of those kids who really struggled with being a "have not". It didn't take wealthy families "flaunting" their money, they were just living their lives but on a totally different scale. They socialized at the same country clubs, not at the local pool, and we weren't in the same neighborhoods anyway so I wouldn't have run into them at the pool anyway. Many of my classmates went to the same expensive summer camp every year, coming back even more bonded or with shared stories and experiences that I didn't have. My senior year I finally got an old hand-me-down car from a family member so that I didn't have to ride the school bus my last year. It definitely looked out of place parked next to the late-model Saabs and BMWs that more than a few of my friends drove. Some of them were also their parents' used cars, but again they started from a different financial level.

Like PP, as an adult I still struggle with crushing feelings of envy when friends seem to have more. DH and I are both highly educated professionals, but in this town most people are and you never know the background of other people's financial situation.

This is what makes me think long and hard for DC. Will my child be more comfortable and fit in despite the income disparities, or will the left-outedness also have a long-term impact?

[Anonymous]

actually my private school kids were also invited on vacations that were way out of our reach financially. One was a $3000.00 spring break vacation to mexico. Could not send her. That is close to what we spend for a family of four for spring break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a federal government attorney and would never in a million years expect FA for my children or expect someone to subsidize them. I chose my job knowing full well what financial tradeoffs there would be. If I really wanted/needed to make more money it is incumbent upon me to make it happen even if that means working a more strenuous schedule. The sense of entitlement from incredibly well educated lawyers is just disgusting. What message does that send to children? If you want something badly enough but aren't willing to work for it don't worry those other harder working suckers will pay for it? FA really should be for those individuals whose professions would never allow them to send a child to private, e.g. police officer, plumber, etc.

I really don't care who pays for her kids' school but really. Let's not pretend a 6 figure fed gov job is a favor to anyone. No matter how high in her T20 law school she graduated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private school in the late 90s with a lot of wealth, though none of it particularly ostentatious, and I was certainly on the lowest end of the full pay students. My parents had good professional jobs - not doctors or lawyers, but they made good salaries. We definitely lived in a lesser house than we could have because of private school, and what some PPs are saying about resenting their parents for having little choice in the school choice matter resonates with me.

I had friends and did fine by myself socially, but I never really bought into the community and unlike many students, I wanted off campus as soon as the day was over. I am not sure if this is because I am more introverted and preferred relationships with my smaller circle of friends -- some of whom were very very rich and others who were on FA -- or because I didn't like the "scene." As an adult, I now know both of these things are true of me.

You will be keenly aware that others have much more and do much more. I saw this affect some friends not at all, and others a great deal (resulting in huge complexes and lifelong mistakes as a result of feeling less than). The thing is, you don't know how it'll affect a kid, and you don't know who their friends will be.

Yes, there were drugs. Some of my more social climbing friends tried them all. I never did.

As an adult, I admit to being jealous of my peers who have had homes bought for them, take their kids to Europe, and have very impressive pedigrees. Anyone who isn't a little jealous is lying. I also am aware and appreciate that a lot of my life experiences that are on the more fancy side are a direct results of where I went to private school, and that's neat I guess.

I wouldn't send my kid to a fancy private school, and I would perhaps consider private high school if the place we live at the time necessitates that option.

So many things about this post resonate with me. Our family did get FA, although my parents were both educated, working professionals. It was an amazing education, and I still credit it to this day, to the extent that I really want my DC to have the same private school academic advantages. However, I was one of those kids who really struggled with being a "have not". It didn't take wealthy families "flaunting" their money, they were just living their lives but on a totally different scale. They socialized at the same country clubs, not at the local pool, and we weren't in the same neighborhoods anyway so I wouldn't have run into them at the pool anyway. Many of my classmates went to the same expensive summer camp every year, coming back even more bonded or with shared stories and experiences that I didn't have. My senior year I finally got an old hand-me-down car from a family member so that I didn't have to ride the school bus my last year. It definitely looked out of place parked next to the late-model Saabs and BMWs that more than a few of my friends drove. Some of them were also their parents' used cars, but again they started from a different financial level.

Like PP, as an adult I still struggle with crushing feelings of envy when friends seem to have more. DH and I are both highly educated professionals, but in this town most people are and you never know the background of other people's financial situation.

This is what makes me think long and hard for DC. Will my child be more comfortable and fit in despite the income disparities, or will the left-outedness also have a long-term impact?

This is so stupid. There are always people who will have more. If your child can't learn this lesson without inheriting your crippling anxiety, then move someone where you can be he big fish in the tiny pond. The rest of us enjoy being surrounded by opportunities to learn from and interact with successful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:actually my private school kids were also invited on vacations that were way out of our reach financially. One was a $3000.00 spring break vacation to mexico. Could not send her. That is close to what we spend for a family of four for spring break.

Why don't you have your child work a job or start a business so they can pay for their own vacations? My brother did this and it worked out great for him. Rich parents meant he could sell them his photography services.

[Anonymous]

I come from two extremes. Growing up I was the "poorest" kid in class, having come from an immigrant family. I started out at a local public which had gangs, moved to a parochial and then onto a private MS/HS with FA. My mom definitely instilled in me the value of a good education as the way out of our income bracket. EVERYONE seemed RICH to me when I was growing up and it's only now that I realize that many of them were only middle class or upper middle class. My worst memory is that I didn't go to birthday parties because we couldn't afford to buy any presents. I had a bit of a complex growing up but it wasn't from the other kids per say I think some of it was self inflicted because I was embarrassed and I felt like I couldn't "relate" to wealthier kids. I think back now and I don't know if the chip was on my shoulder or on their shoulder.. maybe some of both. I think if you come from less wealth it's important to instill in your child their self worth and value beyond material things. It's also important for them to realize they are getting the SAME education with similar opportunities as the wealthier kids. Don't think of yourself as an outsider because if you're in the school you're already an insider. I did go to an Ivy League although I don't know if that really helped me make any money. I managed to make money because I felt like I had nothing to lose so I started a business and it worked out.

[Anonymous]

This is so stupid. There are always people who will have more. If your child can't learn this lesson without inheriting your crippling anxiety, then move someone where you can be he big fish in the tiny pond. The rest of us enjoy being surrounded by opportunities to learn from and interact with successful people.

Right?! Stupid poors and their "feelings." Let them eat cake if they're so damn hungry for the successful people's bread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:actually my private school kids were also invited on vacations that were way out of our reach financially. One was a $3000.00 spring break vacation to mexico. Could not send her. That is close to what we spend for a family of four for spring break.

Why don't you have your child work a job or start a business so they can pay for their own vacations? My brother did this and it worked out great for him. Rich parents meant he could sell them his photography services.

+ 1 You will give your child the gift of self reliance. My parents could afford certain things but they made me work for them instead. I've done some of the most menial jobs you can imagine and as a result I appreciate how hard others work and know how to work hard myself. Also went to a dc private and send my kids to one now too. In regards to the 3k Mexican trip--there is something to just spending time together as a family whether that be at home or elsewhere. Just on principle whether I could afford that trip or not I wouldn't let my child go. There can be more than one reason your child doesn't do something and if part of that is financial that's fine but the whole finances thing really may not even be the deal breaker. So much of how one feels at a private school when they come from lesser means really is relative.