What is it like to be a family at an elite NWDC Private who can just barely afford it?

[Anonymous]

We are applying to a few private schools for our son, who will be in K next year. We can afford one private school tuition (30k +) with making some serious sacrifices in lifestyle (but not skimping on retirement) for one child.
The other thread about people's professions at privates seems to suggest there may be a lot of families with inherited wealth or serious other kinds of wealth. I'm curious about those of you who are at these schools receiving aid or making major sacrifices to send your child there. Do you feel surrounded by a huge amount of wealth all the time? Is it uncomfortable? I'm thinking about things like the fact that we live in a modest townhouse, for example, when some others may live in mansions. Do your kids notice? We come from very modest backgrounds so feel very lucky at the life we have been able to create, even if its modest compared to others, and worry about the culture of a school with a ton of wealth.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the school. Is it secular?

[Anonymous]

OP: I wouldn't worry about any of that now. Proceed and apply. Get in first!

Plus, if you already have this inferiority complex, then I would say any school will be an issue because you are the one making it an issue! Honestly, I am saying this to you as someone who is lucky and do not need to worry about what you stated, and I have no issue of your situation (what should I? I'm not the one making the sacrifices).

When my DC was young he had a great friend at school. He invited this friend over all the time and every time the mother would say something about what a great house we live in and that she is embarrassed to invite my DC over because they live in this tiny place etc etc. honestly, she was the one making me uncomfortable. Believe it or not my DC noticed that even as a K wondering why this friend doesn't invite him over because "it was a great house to play hide and seek!"

There will be some that will compare but that's probably because they are insecure about something else in their lives that they can't control. There will be people like that everywhere, private or public but I think they are far and few!

As long as you and your DC are kind, that's good enough!

[Anonymous]

We were one of those families. When my kid was younger, it wasn't a big deal but as they got older and all the kids would be talking about the trips they went on, summer programs, cars etc, it did become more difficult.

Sort felt like we were on the outside of the glass always looking in.

[Anonymous]

I suspect it depends on the school. At ours, conspicuous consumption is collectively deemed gross because what it represents is not in line with the school mission statement.

Doesn't mean there aren't wealthy people paying $35k per kid per year, though. But they are not applauded for wearing their giant diamond studs to pickup.

[Anonymous]

We don't talk about money is our family...less it's about the lack of money in your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I wouldn't worry about any of that now. Proceed and apply. Get in first!

Plus, if you already have this inferiority complex, then I would say any school will be an issue because you are the one making it an issue! Honestly, I am saying this to you as someone who is lucky and do not need to worry about what you stated, and I have no issue of your situation (what should I? I'm not the one making the sacrifices).

When my DC was young he had a great friend at school. He invited this friend over all the time and every time the mother would say something about what a great house we live in and that she is embarrassed to invite my DC over because they live in this tiny place etc etc. honestly, she was the one making me uncomfortable. Believe it or not my DC noticed that even as a K wondering why this friend doesn't invite him over because "it was a great house to play hide and seek!"

There will be some that will compare but that's probably because they are insecure about something else in their lives that they can't control. There will be people like that everywhere, private or public but I think they are far and few!

As long as you and your DC are kind, that's good enough!

Spoken like someone with no experience as one of the have-nots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were one of those families. When my kid was younger, it wasn't a big deal but as they got older and all the kids would be talking about the trips they went on, summer programs, cars etc, it did become more difficult.

Sort felt like we were on the outside of the glass always looking in.

I am sure that it can feel this way at times, and differences in economic circumstances are going to exist no matter what sphere your children eventually enter. We are a fairly wealthy family at one of the Northwest privates, which our kids have attended since K. Now that they are in high school - one has graduated - their mix of friends is almost equal parts very well-off, dual-income upper middle class, and highly motivated deep financial aid kids. This mix of friends may not be typical, I admit, due to the extracurricular activities chosen by my children (basketball, music, robotics, student government). My youngest is the "ring leader" for her group of friends and we often host dinners, ping pong parties, and movie nights for her troupe. Here is what they talk about: Justin Bieber, the crushing work load of AP American History, the latest relationship gossip, and why the girls basketball team is better than last year. Very little discussion of ski vacations in St Moritz or any other cliché conversation of the super rich (and there are a few kids in the group who actually go there). The mix of kids is refreshing and they often share their common and uncommon experiences, which I believe is healthy. I expect that the mix will in many ways reflect the demographic makeup of the colleges attended by most of the kids, and perhaps it is better to get this type of exposure at 12 or 15 rather than at 18/19, when it can be more challenging to try to fit in.

The issues of the parents, I can not speak to, although the school makes quite an effort to be inclusive with this group as well.

[Anonymous]

OP We are doing that now. It is awkward. The other parents are constantly buying cars, real estate and vacations. Of course the DC asks us when are we ...? Umm, never. The idea on DCUM that the rich never spend money is ridiculous. They are rich -- they spend money on things. Things we cant afford. It is a good education, but. We turned down the super elite private b/c it was another step up on the money ladder. Perhaps if you have a charming personality and a thick skin it will not bother you or yours.

[Anonymous]

I think if you go for a school where there is a very strong match in values, this will be less of an issue. We are in the same boat, and we sought out an understated elite for that very reason. it has been warm and welcoming. 99% of the events, there is no flash. one time a year when some of the more scenster moms show up, you see the designer goods and jewelry, but for those families, the nanny typically does most of it, so there are not really part of the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you go for a school where there is a very strong match in values, this will be less of an issue. We are in the same boat, and we sought out an understated elite for that very reason. it has been warm and welcoming. 99% of the events, there is no flash. one time a year when some of the more scenster moms show up, you see the designer goods and jewelry, but for those families, the nanny typically does most of it, so there are not really part of the school.

This is true at our school -- wonder if it is the same school in NWDC? The one, maybe two dates a year that truly cannot be delegated to the nanny (teacher conferences, possibly back to school night) is the only time I see Chanel bags on school property.

[Anonymous]

Halfway through our second year, and so far, we've been completely comfortable with it -- but then our kid is in lower school, and I imagine it might get worse later.

For now, we're perfectly happy being the Toyota in a sea of BMWs.

But if I ever get the sense that he's starting to think we're "poor" then I will beat him like a French omelet.

Just kidding. But I will have a long, vigorous talk to him about how lucky we are and what actual poverty is.

[Anonymous]

If you have a good public do not go down the private school path. For most kids the benefits are marginal. You are talking about close to $500,000 for one kid K-12. Unless you are rich or your child really needs some kind of special attention it is probably irresponsible to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a mix of families at these schools, so not everyone is uber-rich. My child has been to play dates at enormous homes and still invites friends to our smaller home. DC has gone to a friend's apartment and thought is was cool to have an elevator!

I have been told it gets more complicated as they get older, and I have been told it may be more of an issue with girls than boys, but I like the PP's description of the girls' conversations in her house.

If you want this for your child, do it! You will find some like-minded and nice parents, and might even make friends with some moms you otherwise might not. Please do not prejudge an entire community based on a reputation or your guesses. Good luck to you and your DC!

[Anonymous]

I was a financial aid kid at a wealthy school 25 years ago. I got picked on in elementary school, but by high school I was a strong kid with my own quirky set of friends. Because neither of my parents went to college but I was getting a great education, I was accepted into HYP. I had a strong family, and not having stuff that other people had made me want to work hard and move up. There was hardship -- I worked summers when most of my friends didn't, the teasing in the lower grades because of my clothes etc. might have broken a different kind of kid (then again, schools are better about stopping teasing now I think) -- but all in all this was a really great way to grow up. It made me pretty resilient.