What is it like to be a family at an elite NWDC Private who can just barely afford it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

I think it's interesting that those of us in this thread who actually were the poor or middle class kid (which would be poor in NWDC) in a private school would not chose to do that to our kids.
I was one of those kids. I had Ivy-league educated parents who provided us with a strong sense of self-worth and lots of creative vacations and opportunities for fun. But it still sucked to be
one of the have-nots. It.was.hard.
But whatever! On with your kumbaya selves.

This! Is exactly why our kids aren't in private school, that and there is no descernible difference between the education they are getting at our top rated public and the local private options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

I think it's interesting that those of us in this thread who actually were the poor or middle class kid (which would be poor in NWDC) in a private school would not chose to do that to our kids.
I was one of those kids. I had Ivy-league educated parents who provided us with a strong sense of self-worth and lots of creative vacations and opportunities for fun. But it still sucked to be
one of the have-nots. It.was.hard.
But whatever! On with your kumbaya selves.

I disagree. I was one of those kids and I had enough self worth built in to me that I didn't really care what the wealthy kids were doing. Maybe its a cultural thing...Black people are used to not feeling equal. I would have never imagined how that lesson would serve me so well in life. However, reading these threads makes me realize struggle does in fact build resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, We are a white middle class family in a 2500sq ft colonial in the Montgomery County suburbs (not Bethesda/Potomac.) My daughter has been in private since 5th grade and we are extremely happy. We applied to multiple schools and went with a more expensive private, as they offered us decent financial aid to help with the burden and we liked the feel of the school. She has friends from all over the world, all races and all cultures - most that have more money than us and some that have less money than us. And I find that in all the peer groups in high school, there are various SES levels. The girls tend to hang out with who is involved in what sports and activities. And maybe because there are white kids on FA and black kids with mansions, puts things in a better perspective than in a public where the majority means white/asians are smart/middle class and blacks/hispanics are dumb/low class. The school has so much diversity that there is very little in the way of racial/SES issues. And that kids that are considered annoying nerds can be super rich and kids that are the popular jocks can be living in an apartment in Silver Spring.

And I also find that most foreigners are less likely to flaunt their money and many locals are likely to flaunt more than they have. So we take it all in stride. I have been to mansions, mcmansions, colonials, townhouses, and apartments to pick my child up. I think she has made great decisions in her friends and I adore almost all of them. She plays sports and is in the highest honors classes in school. I can assure you she is extremely happy.

If anyone judged her based on her house or my minivan, she wouldn't be friends with them. Not all kids are dying to be super rich. She has a friend who barely sees her over-worked parents who travel all the time. She has a massive house and a live-in Nanny to share it with most of the time. She complains all the time to my daughter about her parents missing all her games/events. She loves to be at our house playing with our pets, my DD's little sisters, and having family dinners. And I guess because we help out at a family shelter monthly and she sees that various SES levels below and above her at school, she seems very content with who she is and where she is from.

Finally! Another normal soul on this board! We do exit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This! Is exactly why our kids aren't in private school, that and there is no descernible difference between the education they are getting at our top rated public and the local private options.

How great that there is no discernible difference between your public and private options! That is not the case for most people. You are lucky already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the point about how the kids feel. We are solidly middle class and DC goes to Sidwell and is now a Sr. DC and I have talked about not having the money of others many times, and it is really not has never been a problem. DC has been included in lavish parties in Georgetown and to simple backyard picnics with smores. DC's friends are in all different economic brackets. My US the kids form groups of friends based on shared interests and personalities. I really don't see money as a big factor day to day, and the parents I have gotten to know don't seem to care either. I know people on this forum sneer at the idea at Quaker values at Sidwell but they really do exist, at least in the US. If a kid bragged about fancy vacations or owning an expensive cars, they wouldn't many friends. Of course the rich kids have these things but in my experience they downplay it.

TBH I think that's they way you see things as the adult.

But I don't even need to bet that your kid sees things differently and feels differently about it. If you have a nice kid, they aren't likely to tell you though because they don't want you as the parent to feel bad. I posted upthread, my kid is younger, but yes, money and wealth is a factor of everyday conversations and it's not in a showy way usually but it's just in the everyday way. For example, right now my DD's friends kids are all talking about the upcoming summer camps they will attend this summer. None have said my child is too poor to attend, they just don't even know that that could be an issue because in their world "we can't afford it" is never an issue. My child knows why she can't go , keeps quiet and feels bad about it. She knows the reason is we can't afford it. It's this kind of thing over and over that can really bother some kids.

This thread is so funny! All these parents have forgotten what school is really like: cliques, shoes, vacations, the biggest house, the rating systems, cool kids, dorks. its kumbaya time!

I think it's interesting that those of us in this thread who actually were the poor or middle class kid (which would be poor in NWDC) in a private school would not chose to do that to our kids.
I was one of those kids. I had Ivy-league educated parents who provided us with a strong sense of self-worth and lots of creative vacations and opportunities for fun. But it still sucked to be
one of the have-nots. It.was.hard.
But whatever! On with your kumbaya selves.

This! Is exactly why our kids aren't in private school, that and there is no descernible difference between the education they are getting at our top rated public and the local private options.

How do you know there is no difference? I am honestly curious. I have kids in both and I see extreme differences.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the previous posts. But OP, in response to your original post, I will say that I grew up as the family-barely-able-to-afford-it kid at an elite DC private. It was really, really difficult. I basically still have a chip on my shoulder about not having as much money as other people. My husband had a similar experience and the commonality of experience as the have-nots is what drew us together. Both of us always felt inferior to those with more money. Our friends were always going on ski vacations, going to their beach houses, Caribbean vacations, driving fancy cars, etc. We felt left out and ridiculed b/c we were "poor" (never mind that we were not poor by any stretch of the imagination). It was somewhat miserable. Perhaps our skin is not very thick though....

We will not be sending our child to an elite NW DC private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the previous posts. But OP, in response to your original post, I will say that I grew up as the family-barely-able-to-afford-it kid at an elite DC private. It was really, really difficult. I basically still have a chip on my shoulder about not having as much money as other people. My husband had a similar experience and the commonality of experience as the have-nots is what drew us together. Both of us always felt inferior to those with more money. Our friends were always going on ski vacations, going to their beach houses, Caribbean vacations, driving fancy cars, etc. We felt left out and ridiculed b/c we were "poor" (never mind that we were not poor by any stretch of the imagination). It was somewhat miserable. Perhaps our skin is not very thick though....

We will not be sending our child to an elite NW DC private school.

I think your experience is more common than parents would like to believe. Thank you for sharing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the previous posts. But OP, in response to your original post, I will say that I grew up as the family-barely-able-to-afford-it kid at an elite DC private. It was really, really difficult. I basically still have a chip on my shoulder about not having as much money as other people. My husband had a similar experience and the commonality of experience as the have-nots is what drew us together. Both of us always felt inferior to those with more money. Our friends were always going on ski vacations, going to their beach houses, Caribbean vacations, driving fancy cars, etc. We felt left out and ridiculed b/c we were "poor" (never mind that we were not poor by any stretch of the imagination). It was somewhat miserable. Perhaps our skin is not very thick though....

We will not be sending our child to an elite NW DC private school.

I think your experience is more common than parents would like to believe. Thank you for sharing that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the previous posts. But OP, in response to your original post, I will say that I grew up as the family-barely-able-to-afford-it kid at an elite DC private. It was really, really difficult. I basically still have a chip on my shoulder about not having as much money as other people. My husband had a similar experience and the commonality of experience as the have-nots is what drew us together. Both of us always felt inferior to those with more money. Our friends were always going on ski vacations, going to their beach houses, Caribbean vacations, driving fancy cars, etc. We felt left out and ridiculed b/c we were "poor" (never mind that we were not poor by any stretch of the imagination). It was somewhat miserable. Perhaps our skin is not very thick though....

We will not be sending our child to an elite NW DC private school.

I think your experience is more common than parents would like to believe. Thank you for sharing that.

Not for me. I was a have not at a very wealthy private school outside of this area. I am in my late 30's. My single mother sacrificed and worked hard for me to attend. I am eternally grateful. Those people with the nice houses, clothes, cars, and vacations all inspired me to work hard so I too could have a nice life one day. All the kids who went to the public highschool in my neighborhood are still for a lack of a better word, losers. I think the most anyone ever accomplished out of my area public school was becoming a local area real estate agent. The others all work as bartenders or retail. My private school class, has the highest percentage of alumni that went to medical school, including myself.

I am still friends with many highschool friends and at reunion events no one ever looks down on me. My uniforms were always bought used, my mom drove an old mitsubishi, and some days I only could afford to buy french fries for lunch. I loved my school, and my teachers. I had great friends and amazing experiences. I did not get to go on the Europe trip senior year, but no one ever made me feel bad about it and when I finally made to the top of the eiffel tower and ate lunch at Jules Verne, all I could think about was my awesome mom. Private all the way for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked. I come from a European country and I am profoundly shocked. From this posts, it appears that in the US you are basically what you have. I have friends who are real estate agents, personal assistants. I come from a wealthy aristocratic family. My friends come from a diverse and broad variety of background (that is ehat happens when the best tertisry education is public). I will never, or had never, looked down any of my friends /or better, anyone for the money they have. On the contrary. I, for example, admire my housekeeper. She had 11 children in a rural village of Ecuador, in an abusive marriage, and was able to migrate to my country and -over the years- naturalize and bring all her kids there. One has a substantial disability. She was able to find him a job. Two of her children are going to graduate from one of the best engineering schools in the country -while they clean houses and work as part-time nannies to support their living. I truly admire this hardworking woman.
I have family members who believe working -really- is kind of shameful for their status (a minority of them, basically one or two). I don't admire them at all, nor does most of our society. How does having money make you a better person or more worthy -yes I mean worthy- to society? There are true mean and twisted people with and without money. I think being a loser is having so much focus on what people have rather on how they are, not being a hard-working real estate agent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked. I come from a European country and I am profoundly shocked. From this posts, it appears that in the US you are basically what you have. I have friends who are real estate agents, personal assistants. I come from a wealthy aristocratic family. My friends come from a diverse and broad variety of background (that is ehat happens when the best tertisry education is public). I will never, or had never, looked down any of my friends /or better, anyone for the money they have. On the contrary. I, for example, admire my housekeeper. She had 11 children in a rural village of Ecuador, in an abusive marriage, and was able to migrate to my country and -over the years- naturalize and bring all her kids there. One has a substantial disability. She was able to find him a job. Two of her children are going to graduate from one of the best engineering schools in the country -while they clean houses and work as part-time nannies to support their living. I truly admire this hardworking woman.
I have family members who believe working -really- is kind of shameful for their status (a minority of them, basically one or two). I don't admire them at all, nor does most of our society. How does having money make you a better person or more worthy -yes I mean worthy- to society? There are true mean and twisted people with and without money. I think being a loser is having so much focus on what people have rather on how they are, not being a hard-working real estate agent.

Okay, let's ask your housekeeper whether there's a class system where you live. With all due respect, you're not in a position to know how the have-nots feel.

[Anonymous]

It is really ALL relative! I went to a horrible public school where many were middle or lower class, and I was probably somewhere in the lower middle, could feel quite inadequate at times. People are always going to feel inferior, if they let themselves. It is up to parents and the value system they teach their children to help them rise above it. So whether it be an inner city public school or an elite DC private, you are going to have a range of socio-economic classes. How you identify with it is really all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked. I come from a European country and I am profoundly shocked. From this posts, it appears that in the US you are basically what you have. I have friends who are real estate agents, personal assistants. I come from a wealthy aristocratic family. My friends come from a diverse and broad variety of background (that is ehat happens when the best tertisry education is public). I will never, or had never, looked down any of my friends /or better, anyone for the money they have. On the contrary. I, for example, admire my housekeeper. She had 11 children in a rural village of Ecuador, in an abusive marriage, and was able to migrate to my country and -over the years- naturalize and bring all her kids there. One has a substantial disability. She was able to find him a job. Two of her children are going to graduate from one of the best engineering schools in the country -while they clean houses and work as part-time nannies to support their living. I truly admire this hardworking woman.
I have family members who believe working -really- is kind of shameful for their status (a minority of them, basically one or two). I don't admire them at all, nor does most of our society. How does having money make you a better person or more worthy -yes I mean worthy- to society? There are true mean and twisted people with and without money. I think being a loser is having so much focus on what people have rather on how they are, not being a hard-working real estate agent.

Okay, let's ask your housekeeper whether there's a class system where you live. With all due respect, you're not in a position to know how the have-nots feel.

PP here. That is a good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really ALL relative! I went to a horrible public school where many were middle or lower class, and I was probably somewhere in the lower middle, could feel quite inadequate at times. People are always going to feel inferior, if they let themselves. It is up to parents and the value system they teach their children to help them rise above it. So whether it be an inner city public school or an elite DC private, you are going to have a range of socio-economic classes. How you identify with it is really all that matters.

Very true

[Anonymous]

We are at cathedral schools. It's hard when all your kids friends belong to the Chevy Chase club. That's been the hardest for us. Our kids don't notice the difference between our house or cars and friends houses or cars or vacations. But they feel left out cuz many (most) of their friends are skating at Chevy in the winter and swimming in the summer. Hard to arrange play dates. They get invited along as guests once in a while but it is not the same and also highlights the fact that we are on the outside looking in.