Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't invite them all, your relationship with your BIL and his wife will suffer. If you DH is ok with that, go that route.

If you want to preserve your relationship, you need to invite the entire family. Find a way to accommodate the boys. Don't expect SIL to magically become a good parent. She won't. Expect them to act horribly. Plan accordingly.

Uh uh. Invite them sure. But if they act up tell BIL to take them home. Let SIL stay if she wants to.

This is what I'm sayin'. invite them yes, but if they act like misbehaving toddlers then they need to be taken out of the venue like toddlers by SIL ideally but if not then by BIL.

[Anonymous]

OP - what does the rest of your DH's family say about the situation? Have they had a chance to get to know these new family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I will explain. If they don't have tyson's chicken nuggets and kraft boxed macaroni they will not eat and they will cry and throw things. Even food. When playing games, even with headphones, they scream and yell and throw things. iPads always go so far with them too, they then want their consoles and want to leave and will start crying and screaming (I'm not kidding here, screaming) and kicking their mom if they don't. They also fart and belch all the time, including at the table. They bully their step sisters, they hit their mother. I have never been to any event with them that they have not done these things.

The issue is these children cannot behave. They don't even behave at church. They play on their phones or ipads, they talk, make noise, fart. Its not like I can invite them to this event and hope they are like your son and "no one will give a crap"

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.

Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Now if Op was just griping because these kids are playing on ipads, eating nuggets and not being personable but were otherwise not a problem. Then Op would need to chill and live and let live.

[Anonymous]

OP - a few other questions about your BIL and his new family? How long has your nieces' mother been dead? Was BIL just looking for a mother figure and this is what he stumbled into or is it true love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I will explain. If they don't have tyson's chicken nuggets and kraft boxed macaroni they will not eat and they will cry and throw things. Even food. When playing games, even with headphones, they scream and yell and throw things. iPads always go so far with them too, they then want their consoles and want to leave and will start crying and screaming (I'm not kidding here, screaming) and kicking their mom if they don't. They also fart and belch all the time, including at the table. They bully their step sisters, they hit their mother. I have never been to any event with them that they have not done these things.

The issue is these children cannot behave. They don't even behave at church. They play on their phones or ipads, they talk, make noise, fart. Its not like I can invite them to this event and hope they are like your son and "no one will give a crap"

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.

Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Now if Op was just griping because these kids are playing on ipads, eating nuggets and not being personable but were otherwise not a problem. Then Op would need to chill and live and let live.

And what if that doesn't happen? Should we exclude these kids because the OP is scared that the perfect family event might go poorly? What if it doesn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - a few other questions about your BIL and his new family? How long has your nieces' mother been dead? Was BIL just looking for a mother figure and this is what he stumbled into or is it true love?

not OP. Doesn't matter now, she's his wife either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly most PPs here have not read the original thread. You people coming down on OP don't know what you are talking about.

OP: I fear you may have come to the end of the road with this. Agree with posters who say that your DH needs to lay it on the line with his brother. Calmly but frank. These kids are disruptive to the point that it is unacceptable. If they want to take part in family activities, their behavior has to change. Otherwise, no, they will not be included.

Your BIL and SIL are beyond unreasonable here. You can only do so much.

+1

I feel bad for all the kids in your BIL's family. What a mess. I wonder if he really realized what a nightmare he was walking into.

+2

Sorry OP. I hope your DH backs you up here, but he should if the kids are as you say.

I hope somehow these kids become tolerable in the future but it sounds like a miserable situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I will explain. If they don't have tyson's chicken nuggets and kraft boxed macaroni they will not eat and they will cry and throw things. Even food. When playing games, even with headphones, they scream and yell and throw things. iPads always go so far with them too, they then want their consoles and want to leave and will start crying and screaming (I'm not kidding here, screaming) and kicking their mom if they don't. They also fart and belch all the time, including at the table. They bully their step sisters, they hit their mother. I have never been to any event with them that they have not done these things.

The issue is these children cannot behave. They don't even behave at church. They play on their phones or ipads, they talk, make noise, fart. Its not like I can invite them to this event and hope they are like your son and "no one will give a crap"

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.

Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Now if Op was just griping because these kids are playing on ipads, eating nuggets and not being personable but were otherwise not a problem. Then Op would need to chill and live and let live.

And what if that doesn't happen? Should we exclude these kids because the OP is scared that the perfect family event might go poorly? What if it doesn't?

You are right. Maybe the kids will behave on this one occasion. Just because they have never behaved before does not mean that it is impossible that it could happen. BIL just needs to be aware that if the kids act up he needs to take them home. Give them the chance to behave, sure. But BIL needs to understand that it will be on him if they don't. It is not up to OP to figure out how to keep these kiddos entertained and happy.

[Anonymous]

The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

[Anonymous]

Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Honestly as much stress as this is causing your family and your BIL, I'm surprised your BIL even wants to try and be around you guys. I think it speaks volumes he wants to be there and it's obviously important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Feed the kids beforehand and let them snack at dinner on whatever they will eat. The other adults need to back off and not insist that they try food that they are not interested in eating - let the parents handle it. If they start to flip out and throw food or yell/cry/scream - they need to Go Home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.