Reply to In shock - he cheated

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.[/quote]

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.[/quote]

I disagree.  I would certainly want to know all material facts before staying in the marriage, if I were her DH.  [/quote]

That's you...and you certainly have that right to feel that way. But what I stated is a majority opinion of the professionals and for many solid reasons. And please note I did quality with "if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it."

That said, I think the person who started this thread is bogus.[/quote]

Could you please cite to some valid psychological literature for your position that encouraging an adulterer to keep the secret of infidelity from the victim spouse is "a majority opinion of professionals".  I'm not aware of any professional protocols that encourage secret-keeping in couples therapy.  While it's not ethically permissible for a therapist to reveal one client's secret without permission, neither do I think it's ethically professional for a therapist to encourage secret-keeping in therapy from another therapeutic participant.

I personally had exactly this discussion with my now exDH's therapist.  I made it clear to him that I would want to know every last detail of my husband's cheating because I thought to leave me in the dark was incredibly patronizing and manipulative.  I am a grown woman who can handle my own hurt feelings and want to make decisions about my life based on the truth.

Most often, an infidelity perpetrator who wants to keep the infidelity a secret merely uses the excuse of protecting the "spouse" in order to protect him/herself from the natural consequences of their bad behavior.   
[/quote]

Based on what you wrote above you already know it isn't the norm to promote confession as a rule. And there is no one size fits all so this isn't by any stretch an absolute. There are so many variables to be considered.

That said, the content and tone of your response says a lot about your stance on this. Given your experience I can understand why but it also appears that we are seeing life from much different perspectives.[/quote]

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