Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1000. You nailed it, PP. You should write a parenting advice column.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1 Yes, this describes it perfectly!

OP, this is the best post.

I think they are embarrassed that they could not handle your kids, OP, and that embarrassment has turned into anger at you and your DH. It's not fair, but they will in time get over it. Lesson learned, I hope, for all involved! Do not ever do anything like this again, OP. They can handle brief babysitting, but something this long is a no-no-never.

It is so much work to take care of a baby when you are not used to it!! I have four kids, and when I got a puppy when my youngest was 6, I could not believe how tired I was when that @#$%## puppy woke me up twice every night!! I had thought I could handle it because I'd had four babies, but after a few years of getting a good night's sleep most nights, I could not believe how exhausted I was every single day because of that puppy! I was so sleep deprived and cranky that I wanted to get rid of the puppy more than once, but he finally started sleeping through the night, so we still have him.

Lay low, OP. They will recover.

OP here

Thanks, I totally agree with this assessment. This is the first time they were actually unable to handle things, so I was caught off-guard by their anger and frustration.

FWIW - overall it wasnt the terrible experience that its been made out to be. From Sun-Thurs, they had to clean up 3-4 pee accidents and deal with a fussier than usual (teething) baby (who woke up 2 of the 4 nights), but for the first few days (Mon-Thurs), they sent us lots of pictures of everyone having fun. The kids were well-behaved and the grandparents were happy to spend time with them. It seems by Friday, the fussiness and late night sheet changes caught up with FIL's wife who also got sick and overwhelmed.

Not-so-funny add-on to the story, when BIL came, he brought his 2 kids (ages 7 and 4) who had stomach viruses and proceeded to vomit and have diarrhea all over the house. My kids were not sick. Wife was already over the whole childcare thing by then, but it was certainly the last straw for FIL.

They are coming over this weekend so we can hash things out and move forward but we will definitely not be asking any favors for quite a while and will let them take the lead for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I warned you this was a bad idea in your other post a few months back. You didn't listen.

The once in a lifetime was free airfare. So she sold her kids for money.

No, she gambled her relationship with her ILs.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore the judgmental loons. They have nothing useful to contribute and are just trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1 Yes, this describes it perfectly!

OP, this is the best post.

I think they are embarrassed that they could not handle your kids, OP, and that embarrassment has turned into anger at you and your DH. It's not fair, but they will in time get over it. Lesson learned, I hope, for all involved! Do not ever do anything like this again, OP. They can handle brief babysitting, but something this long is a no-no-never.

It is so much work to take care of a baby when you are not used to it!! I have four kids, and when I got a puppy when my youngest was 6, I could not believe how tired I was when that @#$%## puppy woke me up twice every night!! I had thought I could handle it because I'd had four babies, but after a few years of getting a good night's sleep most nights, I could not believe how exhausted I was every single day because of that puppy! I was so sleep deprived and cranky that I wanted to get rid of the puppy more than once, but he finally started sleeping through the night, so we still have him.

Lay low, OP. They will recover.

OP here

Thanks, I totally agree with this assessment. This is the first time they were actually unable to handle things, so I was caught off-guard by their anger and frustration.

FWIW - overall it wasnt the terrible experience that its been made out to be. From Sun-Thurs, they had to clean up 3-4 pee accidents and deal with a fussier than usual (teething) baby (who woke up 2 of the 4 nights), but for the first few days (Mon-Thurs), they sent us lots of pictures of everyone having fun. The kids were well-behaved and the grandparents were happy to spend time with them. It seems by Friday, the fussiness and late night sheet changes caught up with FIL's wife who also got sick and overwhelmed.

Not-so-funny add-on to the story, when BIL came, he brought his 2 kids (ages 7 and 4) who had stomach viruses and proceeded to vomit and have diarrhea all over the house. My kids were not sick. Wife was already over the whole childcare thing by then, but it was certainly the last straw for FIL.

They are coming over this weekend so we can hash things out and move forward but we will definitely not be asking any favors for quite a while and will let them take the lead for the future.

That is a lot of pee accidents. You seem to imply it's not. Those kids need pull-ups if they are peeing everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I warned you this was a bad idea in your other post a few months back. You didn't listen.

The once in a lifetime was free airfare. So she sold her kids for money.

No, she gambled her relationship with her ILs.

I don't know how free tickets = once in a lifetime.
Strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1 Yes, this describes it perfectly!

OP, this is the best post.

I think they are embarrassed that they could not handle your kids, OP, and that embarrassment has turned into anger at you and your DH. It's not fair, but they will in time get over it. Lesson learned, I hope, for all involved! Do not ever do anything like this again, OP. They can handle brief babysitting, but something this long is a no-no-never.

It is so much work to take care of a baby when you are not used to it!! I have four kids, and when I got a puppy when my youngest was 6, I could not believe how tired I was when that @#$%## puppy woke me up twice every night!! I had thought I could handle it because I'd had four babies, but after a few years of getting a good night's sleep most nights, I could not believe how exhausted I was every single day because of that puppy! I was so sleep deprived and cranky that I wanted to get rid of the puppy more than once, but he finally started sleeping through the night, so we still have him.

Lay low, OP. They will recover.

OP here

Thanks, I totally agree with this assessment. This is the first time they were actually unable to handle things, so I was caught off-guard by their anger and frustration.

FWIW - overall it wasnt the terrible experience that its been made out to be. From Sun-Thurs, they had to clean up 3-4 pee accidents and deal with a fussier than usual (teething) baby (who woke up 2 of the 4 nights), but for the first few days (Mon-Thurs), they sent us lots of pictures of everyone having fun. The kids were well-behaved and the grandparents were happy to spend time with them. It seems by Friday, the fussiness and late night sheet changes caught up with FIL's wife who also got sick and overwhelmed.

Not-so-funny add-on to the story, when BIL came, he brought his 2 kids (ages 7 and 4) who had stomach viruses and proceeded to vomit and have diarrhea all over the house. My kids were not sick. Wife was already over the whole childcare thing by then, but it was certainly the last straw for FIL.

They are coming over this weekend so we can hash things out and move forward but we will definitely not be asking any favors for quite a while and will let them take the lead for the future.

That is a lot of pee accidents. You seem to imply it's not. Those kids need pull-ups if they are peeing everywhere.

I have the same reaction. My God, that is a lot of pee and whatnot to clean up. The baby waking is a lot too.

It actually sounds like a terrible experience to me, for all involved (except OP and her DH).

[Anonymous]

Yes, waking 2 of 4 nights is quite a bit. Yet OP makes it sounds like it's not bad at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your inlaws sound awful, just awful. You have 3 young children and wanted to get away for a great trip. You planned everything reasonable (and then even planned more!) - child care plan, carpool, nanny helper for baby!

What the hell is wrong with your inlaws? Have they never cared for children? Are they cold fish? These are their grandchildren. Normal grandparents would be thrilled to have this kind of one on one experience with the kids. For them to act this way and then to insult your children (for acting like children, no less) is bizarre at best. I would be the one upset in this situation and the inlaws would have to work to earn back my respect and trust.

this times two!^^^^^^^^ they sound like assholes

[Anonymous]

I'm not understanding the judgmental witches on here.

OP, hope all goes well and no need to keep saying sorry.

[Anonymous]

to all those posters who believe it's the grandparents' job to be able to take care of their kids are delusional. Unfortunately, not all GPs are like that. My MIL refused to even change a diaper. We had not even asked her to, she just announced it upon meeting our daughter at 6 weeks. (Needless to say, I will not be allowing my DD to visit her GPs by herself once she is older.)

Most people who are not used to taking care of very young children end up overwhelmed. Before I had kids, I helped my brother out while his wife was out for the weekend. he ended up falling asleep early on me and I dealt w/ my young niece who did not sleep through the night. I was extremely sleep deprived. I can't imagine how older people working full time would be able to function for over a week.

Asking anyone to take care of 3 kids, including one infant can be overwhelming. And no matter who they are parents are the only ones who can really take the peeing, pooing, vomiting, etc. w/o getting completely grossed out. Others get upset. Just like pet owners who don't seem to mind when their dogs piss all over their carpets.

if you want to go away again for that long, just pay a professional. you should just be grateful that they've helped out for as long as they did. they are entitled to feel what they do from that experience.

[Anonymous]

Your in laws stink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to all those posters who believe it's the grandparents' job to be able to take care of their kids are delusional. Unfortunately, not all GPs are like that. My MIL refused to even change a diaper. We had not even asked her to, she just announced it upon meeting our daughter at 6 weeks. (Needless to say, I will not be allowing my DD to visit her GPs by herself once she is older.)

Most people who are not used to taking care of very young children end up overwhelmed. Before I had kids, I helped my brother out while his wife was out for the weekend. he ended up falling asleep early on me and I dealt w/ my young niece who did not sleep through the night. I was extremely sleep deprived. I can't imagine how older people working full time would be able to function for over a week.

Asking anyone to take care of 3 kids, including one infant can be overwhelming. And no matter who they are parents are the only ones who can really take the peeing, pooing, vomiting, etc. w/o getting completely grossed out. Others get upset. Just like pet owners who don't seem to mind when their dogs piss all over their carpets.

if you want to go away again for that long, just pay a professional. you should just be grateful that they've helped out for as long as they did. they are entitled to feel what they do from that experience.

You seem to be projecting. OP did everything she could short of leaving the trip or having the nanny be sole provider to make it easier for tge grandparents. They never should have accepted if they were going to throw a bitchfest like this.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be projecting. OP did everything she could short of leaving the trip or having the nanny be sole provider to make it easier for tge grandparents. They never should have accepted if they were going to throw a bitchfest like this.


so--not only should GPs put up with everything thrown at them they should shut up about it as well? entitled much? bottom line is that the parents are the only ones who are ultimately responsible for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I warned you this was a bad idea in your other post a few months back. You didn't listen.

The once in a lifetime was free airfare. So she sold her kids for money.

Damn woman - your insanity cracks me up!

Seriously. someone isn't getting enough attention at home.