Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

I agree that it seems unreasonable to leave three small children, including a small baby (!) with grandparents for a week. But these grandparents AGREED to take care of the kid, and seemed EXCITED to do it. Would I ever think my parents were capable of this feat? Not in a million years. Would I ever leave my small children with them for a week? Not in a million years. But is OP obligated to cower in shame for the rest of her life because they took on more than they could reasonably handle and are now pissed off that they agreed to it? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

I agree that it seems unreasonable to leave three small children, including a small baby (!) with grandparents for a week. But these grandparents AGREED to take care of the kid, and seemed EXCITED to do it. Would I ever think my parents were capable of this feat? Not in a million years. Would I ever leave my small children with them for a week? Not in a million years. But is OP obligated to cower in shame for the rest of her life because they took on more than they could reasonably handle and are now pissed off that they agreed to it? No.

Totally agree. OP asked the in-laws, the in-laws agreed (they could have said no, after all). No one was at fault, the in-laws just couldn't handle it. Kids who are in the middle of potty training have accidents -- that's life.

OP, stop apologizing to your in-laws. You should move on and so should they. That said, I can't wait to hear what comes of your big meeting this weekend! I hope there are hugs and good feelings all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - you didn't come immediately home when the step MIL called you to say she couldn't care for the baby? You left your 10 month old basically in the care of a stepmother you knew nothing about? I agree that they are being ridiculous, but I never would have done that. Your kids were probably all super stressed by staying at a strange house, all the changes in caregivers, and what has turned out to be an evil step grandmother.

Where did you get this from? FILs wife is neither evil, nor strange. She has been in their lives since they were born and we are usually very close to her. They also go to FILs house all the time, and have slept there before. And when they said they couldnt take care of the baby, he went with MIL and BIL instead for the last 2 days.

Op, you are super duper defensive and that is blocking you from seeing this clearly.

This was not a good idea. This was too much to ask. It did not go well for anyone involved. I am sure you were stressed, your ILs clearly had a miserable time and are harboring anger and resentment, your baby was miserable, and your older children, well, they got shuttled around a lot. So, not a good experience for any party, really. I think it is time to muster up your ability to really, sincerely say it was a bad idea, you are sorry. No qualifications, no justifications. Objectively, you and DH made a mistake. You expected and asked for too much, and you put your extended family in a bind. Simply tell them that, and explain that you will not be asking for such a large favor ever again. And then act on it. You want to go out, arrange for a babysitter in the future or don't go. A week long vacation when you have a toddler and a baby under a year is simply crazy and un-doable. A weekend, sure. And I maintain, when you were told that it was too much for them to deal with the baby, a signal call of distress if you will, you should have come home and taken over the situation rather than unloading your kids elsewhere. If you had done so, I am sure that good faith gesture would have resolved this issue. Honestly, you need to step back and let go of your defensive shield. You wanted to go, and so you justified it to yourself by planning it all out, but it really just wasn't a good plan. No amount of prep would have allowed this to go smoothly with such little kids. You should have not gone, taken them, or hired a full week sitter. You can't afford one, you are back to not going.

Whoa! Are you OPs mother or something? Get down off your high chair and STFU.

[Anonymous]

OP, why not give it some distance? Maybe this weekend is not the best time to discuss it. Also the endless winter is getting on everyone's nerves.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


You seem to be projecting. OP did everything she could short of leaving the trip or having the nanny be sole provider to make it easier for tge grandparents. They never should have accepted if they were going to throw a bitchfest like this.

so--not only should GPs put up with everything thrown at them they should shut up about it as well? entitled much? bottom line is that the parents are the only ones who are ultimately responsible for their kids.

Parent have to entrust responsibility for their children to other people all the time - be it daycare, nannies, babysitters, teachers, extended family. It isn't realistic or healthy for parents to never leave their child's side for a decade. Op was extremely repsonsibile in planning out a schedule that didn't place undue burden on anyone person, providing all the resources necessary, and had a past history of grandparents being able to manage and be responsible for the kids. they had to put the kids to bed and handle a couple accidents and a couple night wakings. Obviously in the end, that was too much for them, however most 50 yr old women I know could handle that without a problem. I don't think there was anyway for OP to anticipate they would fall apart the way they did and she did everything possible to make this go as smoothly as possible. OPs mother is likely in the same age range, had even greater responsibility, was able to adapt and managed just fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've got a lot of good responses. I just wanted to add that I agree you planned as well as you possibly could have. I don't you did anything wrong (and I think flying home 2 days early would have been crazy.) But, to keep the peace, I would apologize again to FIL & his mom and then let it go.

BTW, I personally have never left my kids because I have PITA kids that go batsh*t crazy if I'm not there to put them to bed. It's really unfortunate and I wish I didn't let that happen. I really wish that I had someone else (even a paid babysitter) that could put these kids to bed. Meanwhile, I know of many families who leave their kids w/ grandparents for days or weeks at a time, and I am totally jealous. I don't think you were unrealistic to give this a try since
1) they wanted to do it so badly
2) they are relatively young and energetic
3) you split up the day and got extra help

Too bad it didn't work out. If you were my friend IRL I'd give you a hug and commiserate with you over the ILs overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

I am LMAO at how everyone is calling her an "older woman," "elderly," etc.

I am 53yo and have an 11yo. 51 is NOT "older." It just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

I am LMAO at how everyone is calling her an "older woman," "elderly," etc.

I am 53yo and have an 11yo. 51 is NOT "older." It just isn't.

Have to agree with you. Since when is 53 elderly. It is older but not in the sense of being elderly. It's still in the middle age category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

I am LMAO at how everyone is calling her an "older woman," "elderly," etc.

I am 53yo and have an 11yo. 51 is NOT "older." It just isn't.

Defensive much? I suppose you don't think you were an "older" mom, either?

51 is "older" when it comes to taking care of an infant and two small children. Particularly when your last experience was 30 years ago . . . or in this MIL's case, never. Get a grip, older mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

She's only 51 - not elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

She's only 51 - not elderly.

Though clearly she's used to a quiet, non-chaotic life where she is able to make her own schedule - the antithesis of life with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

I am LMAO at how everyone is calling her an "older woman," "elderly," etc.

I am 53yo and have an 11yo. 51 is NOT "older." It just isn't.

Defensive much? I suppose you don't think you were an "older" mom, either?

51 is "older" when it comes to taking care of an infant and two small children. Particularly when your last experience was 30 years ago . . . or in this MIL's case, never. Get a grip, older mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing they will get over it. Send your FIL's wife a nice bottle of wine, flowers for the house, something she'll like. My guess is that she is where all the tension is rising from. Your kids are too young to leave (all together) with an older woman who has never had children of her own. She had no idea what to expect. Your FIL should have said known this, but maybe he thought it would be fine.

She's only 51 - not elderly.

Though clearly she's used to a quiet, non-chaotic life where she is able to make her own schedule - the antithesis of life with kids.

True. Which has nothing to do with age.

[Anonymous]

Someone is sensitive about their age. 51 is old.