Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - you didn't come immediately home when the step MIL called you to say she couldn't care for the baby? You left your 10 month old basically in the care of a stepmother you knew nothing about? I agree that they are being ridiculous, but I never would have done that. Your kids were probably all super stressed by staying at a strange house, all the changes in caregivers, and what has turned out to be an evil step grandmother.

Where did you get this from? FILs wife is neither evil, nor strange. She has been in their lives since they were born and we are usually very close to her. They also go to FILs house all the time, and have slept there before. And when they said they couldnt take care of the baby, he went with MIL and BIL instead for the last 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - you didn't come immediately home when the step MIL called you to say she couldn't care for the baby? You left your 10 month old basically in the care of a stepmother you knew nothing about? I agree that they are being ridiculous, but I never would have done that. Your kids were probably all super stressed by staying at a strange house, all the changes in caregivers, and what has turned out to be an evil step grandmother.

Where did you get this from? FILs wife is neither evil, nor strange. She has been in their lives since they were born and we are usually very close to her. They also go to FILs house all the time, and have slept there before. And when they said they couldnt take care of the baby, he went with MIL and BIL instead for the last 2 days.

I'm guessing sarcasm at DCUM helicoptering.

[Anonymous]

A trip to Hawaii is not "once in a lifetime." It is a pretty standard, albeit expensive vacation destination.

If the "once in a lifetime" part was the free ticket, well, cry me a river - if OP can afford a nanny, she can afford to go to Hawaii at some point.

[Anonymous]

The OP was worried about pumping. This could have been an issue with the baby being irritable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - you didn't come immediately home when the step MIL called you to say she couldn't care for the baby? You left your 10 month old basically in the care of a stepmother you knew nothing about? I agree that they are being ridiculous, but I never would have done that. Your kids were probably all super stressed by staying at a strange house, all the changes in caregivers, and what has turned out to be an evil step grandmother.

Where did you get this from? FILs wife is neither evil, nor strange. She has been in their lives since they were born and we are usually very close to her. They also go to FILs house all the time, and have slept there before. And when they said they couldnt take care of the baby, he went with MIL and BIL instead for the last 2 days.

Op, you are super duper defensive and that is blocking you from seeing this clearly.

This was not a good idea. This was too much to ask. It did not go well for anyone involved. I am sure you were stressed, your ILs clearly had a miserable time and are harboring anger and resentment, your baby was miserable, and your older children, well, they got shuttled around a lot. So, not a good experience for any party, really. I think it is time to muster up your ability to really, sincerely say it was a bad idea, you are sorry. No qualifications, no justifications. Objectively, you and DH made a mistake. You expected and asked for too much, and you put your extended family in a bind. Simply tell them that, and explain that you will not be asking for such a large favor ever again. And then act on it. You want to go out, arrange for a babysitter in the future or don't go. A week long vacation when you have a toddler and a baby under a year is simply crazy and un-doable. A weekend, sure. And I maintain, when you were told that it was too much for them to deal with the baby, a signal call of distress if you will, you should have come home and taken over the situation rather than unloading your kids elsewhere. If you had done so, I am sure that good faith gesture would have resolved this issue. Honestly, you need to step back and let go of your defensive shield. You wanted to go, and so you justified it to yourself by planning it all out, but it really just wasn't a good plan. No amount of prep would have allowed this to go smoothly with such little kids. You should have not gone, taken them, or hired a full week sitter. You can't afford one, you are back to not going.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being defensive or unreasonable OP. I too find your in-laws reaction baffling. If they said they were exhausted or wouldn't do that again - fine. But to get angry and hostile - seems like there is something else going on. Grandparents in their 50s and 60s who have been actively involved with the kids and who willingly take the kids should not be as angry as they are. I know many grandparents who do childcare for their young grandchildren, spending 40 hours a week with them. Your in-laws were spending about 2 hours a day with the kids at most and dealing with a couple accidents and wake-ups. That doesn't sound like something to be so angry about at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

I agree that this is the best summary of the situation and the best advice. Now you know what they are prepared (and not) to handle--act accordingly in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

I agree that this is the best summary of the situation and the best advice. Now you know what they are prepared (and not) to handle--act accordingly in the future.

It makes me laugh that someone being 51 is considered an older folk - too old to competently or capably care for a child. Look at all the parents how have kids in their 40s. At 51 they are still going to be parenting a child under 10. Someone should tell them that even though they think they can handle it - they can't.

Most of the posters here must be very young to think of 51 and 60 as far too old to provide childcare.

[Anonymous]

There is someone totally crazy who keeps posting on this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

Good lord, you burdened everyone including your BIL so that you can have a week away. You are so selfish.

You know what - everyone in this story will survive. And burden or not, that is what friends and family are for - to help out when needed, even if it is a once in a lifetime vacation opportunity. OP- I wish things went smoother - this will be a funny story to tell one day and your baby will not need therapy over it - she has already forgotten what happened!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

Good lord, you burdened everyone including your BIL so that you can have a week away. You are so selfish.

Exactly! He had to go and get the kid, who knows how, transferring car seats, etc. Sorry, but good lord, op.

Wow - lots of false assumptions here. BIL wanted to come in bc he was off of work and thought it a good opportunity to visit and help. That was his call, we never asked him. He didnt have to get the kids bc he stayed with FIL and just took over the nights and baby stuff while in their house. I also installed extra car seats in all in-laws cars and they had access to our cars so no car seats ever needed to be transferred.

We also have happily cared for BILs kids for weeks over the summer with no expectation of returning the favor bc thats what families do.

OP - don't take the bait with this judgemental looney. You had a well thought out plan and unfortuntely, it didn't work out. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I warned you this was a bad idea in your other post a few months back. You didn't listen.

The once in a lifetime was free airfare. So she sold her kids for money.

Damn woman - your insanity cracks me up!

[Anonymous]

NP - for what it's worth, my FIL and MIL never once offered to take care of grandchildren. Ever. Nor did they ever have them over night. And we live a mile apart. Well, it's their loss because they hardly know their almost adult grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1 Yes, this describes it perfectly!

OP, this is the best post.

I think they are embarrassed that they could not handle your kids, OP, and that embarrassment has turned into anger at you and your DH. It's not fair, but they will in time get over it. Lesson learned, I hope, for all involved! Do not ever do anything like this again, OP. They can handle brief babysitting, but something this long is a no-no-never.

It is so much work to take care of a baby when you are not used to it!! I have four kids, and when I got a puppy when my youngest was 6, I could not believe how tired I was when that @#$%## puppy woke me up twice every night!! I had thought I could handle it because I'd had four babies, but after a few years of getting a good night's sleep most nights, I could not believe how exhausted I was every single day because of that puppy! I was so sleep deprived and cranky that I wanted to get rid of the puppy more than once, but he finally started sleeping through the night, so we still have him.

Lay low, OP. They will recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents

With this attitude, you were absolutely correct about one thing in your OP- it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I'm not saying the ILs overreacted but my head is spinning trying to follow that rigid schedule you planned for them.

Making it easy is giving them pullups for use with kids who are emergent and reading. That pee enough to soak through a sleeping bag. A little bit of honesty would have been good rather than multiple pee "accidents." A small wee-wake up-go to pot is different than a deluge. If I was OP and her DH I would be very nice to these people to keep the relationship and free occasional babysitting going.