Dealing with jealous sister who's still TTC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is what to do. I recognize a sickness in her but it is hard to receive sympathy or advice from those who can relate to her inadequacies and bitterness and jealousies or those who simply will automatically resent the benefits or privileges I received in life. There's another post in the Expectant Moms forum about a 9 mos pregnant woman riding the metro who was appalled that nobody got up to offer their seat to her. She asked if this is typical of DC. There is cynicism, rudeness, bitterness here among DC area folk that is very apparent to people who lived in other regions before. I think its why DCUM suffers sometimes and why I've been tormented in this thread.

OP - As a life-long DC resident, I am absolutely heartbroken when I read stuff like your last sentence. There are rude cynical people everywhere - DC does not have a corner on that. But the fact that you are unable to see that people have been rude and bitter on this thread because you keep, for example, labeling people with the "rinky dink university" insult is really shocking to me. I have been on DCUM for a while and have started many threads and I have never ever a single time had a thread that devolved into rude name calling. Oh sure, every once in a while someone bored at work comes on to sling an insult, but you ignore them, and you focus on the people who are genuinely interested in trying to help, of which there are many - which is why I keep coming back to DCUM. If you truly and honestly read over this thread, you have exchanged as many rude bitter insults yourself, and the lack of self-awareness with which you have handled this thread is really just unbelievable odd.

I have a cousin who is very much like your sister and I truly truly believe that your sister has some serious issues - I'm not taking that away from you. But, like many others on this thread, I wonder why you continue to engage her by, for example, telling your mother not to tell your sister that you're pregant when you very clearly are. Many of us have been gently trying to tell you what that will look like to a sister who already has strong feelings of jealousy and a pattern of anti-social behavior - it will look to her like you and your mother are "continuing" to colude and cut her out of your lives. EVEN if you don't mean it that way. The way that I have handled my cousin, who is like I said very similar to your sister, is to act 100% normal and not to spend any time at all thinking about it. When I was pregnant (and she was desperate for a baby but not even married), I told people in my family just the way I would have if she didn't have jealousy issues. Not in a "everyone stop and look at me!!!" type of way, but I mentioned it, I emailed, I was happy and excited but not rubbing it in everyone's face. Frankly, I don't know how she dealt with it because I didn't involve myself in her drama. I suggest (and many others have suggested) that this might be a better way of dealing with your problem. Your sister is going to be jealous and you will likely always have a tough relationship with her - minimize contact with her, go about your life as you need to, and think about how your actions and the things you say might look to her. I truly wish you all the best because I know this can be tough. But please please please go back and read this thread and understand how you contributed to the nastiness and that it is not at all indicative of the DC I have known and love.

I'm the pp who said to drop out of the drama and avoid the triangulation with your mother/sister. I agree 100 percent wholeheartedly with the above poster and I think many people on here have suggested the same. I think this advice started out gently enough, but when you responded to some of the snarkier posts by claiming yourself to be 100 percent right and your sister, as well as most of the responders to be fat, unintelligent, jealous, jaded women with TTC issues...well that's where you really lost my patience and respect. I admit, I now come on here just to see how far you will go, whereas I was initially invested in your story from a compassionate standpoint. I was routing for you to find some middle ground perspective and make the mature choice. I see this is not going to happen. For all of the things you continue to list about your sister (which by the way, sound awful) I strongly suspect you have played a role in. relationships are rarely if at all based in linear interactions- they are co-created by definition. I'll never know for sure how you have treated your sister, but it's your behavior on here- the constant need to attack both your sister and the entire DC region that leaves many of us unconvinced of your saintliness. but we all agree your hair is outstanding.

I never claimed myself to be 100% right about anything. I just said the truth about myself. You are naive to believe things can't be so one-sided. Yes, they can be and yes they actually are with some families and some women. And you need to seriously go back and reread page ONE of this thread because I never called anyone fat, unintelligent, jealous, or jaded UNTIL the snarky comments started first. It's all on record here so go back and read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seriously can't stand OP. I'm not surprised she is posting here so often- Clearly she doesn't have friends in real life!!!

So smug, entitled and obnoxious... Yuck!

Oh but clearly your post was addressed to your friends[b] on DCUM. I'm posting here, idiot, because I said I was going to give you snarky women a taste of your medicine.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel better now OP? Let's take a deep breath and take a look in the mirror. You will see the ultimate reason for your unhappiness. You seriously need psychological help from someone other than your Aunt or just continue to live your bitter and unhappy life.

[Anonymous]

No one is jumping all over OP because she is according to herself: brainy, glamorous, etc. People on here (and no doubt in real life) can't stand OP because of the size of her ego, her entitled attitude, lack of compassion, and complete inability to see herself for who she truly is,and her role in this entire drama.

You make us laugh OP, trust me when I say no one here is jealous of you. I actually pity you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The problem is what to do. I recognize a sickness in her but it is hard to receive sympathy or advice from those who can relate to her inadequacies and bitterness and jealousies or those who simply will automatically resent the benefits or privileges I received in life. There's another post in the Expectant Moms forum about a 9 mos pregnant woman riding the metro who was appalled that nobody got up to offer their seat to her. She asked if this is typical of DC. There is cynicism, rudeness, bitterness here among DC area folk that is very apparent to people who lived in other regions before. I think its why DCUM suffers sometimes and why I've been tormented in this thread.

OP - As a life-long DC resident, I am absolutely heartbroken when I read stuff like your last sentence. There are rude cynical people everywhere - DC does not have a corner on that. But the fact that you are unable to see that people have been rude and bitter on this thread because you keep, for example, labeling people with the "rinky dink university" insult is really shocking to me. I have been on DCUM for a while and have started many threads and I have never ever a single time had a thread that devolved into rude name calling. Oh sure, every once in a while someone bored at work comes on to sling an insult, but you ignore them, and you focus on the people who are genuinely interested in trying to help, of which there are many - which is why I keep coming back to DCUM. If you truly and honestly read over this thread, you have exchanged as many rude bitter insults yourself, and the lack of self-awareness with which you have handled this thread is really just unbelievable odd.

I have a cousin who is very much like your sister and I truly truly believe that your sister has some serious issues - I'm not taking that away from you. But, like many others on this thread, I wonder why you continue to engage her by, for example, telling your mother not to tell your sister that you're pregant when you very clearly are. Many of us have been gently trying to tell you what that will look like to a sister who already has strong feelings of jealousy and a pattern of anti-social behavior - it will look to her like you and your mother are "continuing" to colude and cut her out of your lives. EVEN if you don't mean it that way. The way that I have handled my cousin, who is like I said very similar to your sister, is to act 100% normal and not to spend any time at all thinking about it. When I was pregnant (and she was desperate for a baby but not even married), I told people in my family just the way I would have if she didn't have jealousy issues. Not in a "everyone stop and look at me!!!" type of way, but I mentioned it, I emailed, I was happy and excited but not rubbing it in everyone's face. Frankly, I don't know how she dealt with it because I didn't involve myself in her drama. I suggest (and many others have suggested) that this might be a better way of dealing with your problem. Your sister is going to be jealous and you will likely always have a tough relationship with her - minimize contact with her, go about your life as you need to, and think about how your actions and the things you say might look to her. I truly wish you all the best because I know this can be tough. But please please please go back and read this thread and understand how you contributed to the nastiness and that it is not at all indicative of the DC I have known and love.

I'm the pp who said to drop out of the drama and avoid the triangulation with your mother/sister. I agree 100 percent wholeheartedly with the above poster and I think many people on here have suggested the same. I think this advice started out gently enough, but when you responded to some of the snarkier posts by claiming yourself to be 100 percent right and your sister, as well as most of the responders to be fat, unintelligent, jealous, jaded women with TTC issues...well that's where you really lost my patience and respect. I admit, I now come on here just to see how far you will go, whereas I was initially invested in your story from a compassionate standpoint. I was routing for you to find some middle ground perspective and make the mature choice. I see this is not going to happen. For all of the things you continue to list about your sister (which by the way, sound awful) I strongly suspect you have played a role in. relationships are rarely if at all based in linear interactions- they are co-created by definition. I'll never know for sure how you have treated your sister, but it's your behavior on here- the constant need to attack both your sister and the entire DC region that leaves many of us unconvinced of your saintliness. but we all agree your hair is outstanding.

I never claimed myself to be 100% right about anything. I just said the truth about myself. You are naive to believe things can't be so one-sided. Yes, they can be and yes they actually are with some families and some women. And you need to seriously go back and reread page ONE of this thread because I never called anyone fat, unintelligent, jealous, or jaded UNTIL the snarky comments started first. It's all on record here so go back and read.

OP- the only thing you have admitted to is putting your mom in an uncomfortable position and even then you say it's normal for mothers and daughters to share secrets- you justify your behavior, so really you are not admitting anything. Yes mothers and daughter share secrets, when the secret is to hide a very obvious pregnancy- knowing that this negatively impacts your sister, family dynamics ( puts you in a position of being aligned with your mother against your sister), it's clearly not that simple. I think you are competitive with your sister, want to punish her out of your anger, and do so in subtle or direct ways.

If you go to a professional family therapist, one who knows what he or she is doing, there is no way he or she would label your problem as your sister. You would be asked to look at your feelings, how your feelings manifest in behavior and the impact is has on the whole family. Your sister would be asked the same. Actually what you are doing- trying to define your sister as the problem and sole source of conflict in your family has a name in family therapy- it's called scapegoating. You sister would be named the "symptom bearer" for the family's issues. This is very classic family therapy stuff actually. Many people go into family therapy thinking that they just need for someone else in the family to resolve her issues and stop causing problems. It just doesn't work that way, first of all you can only change your behavior, secondly your feelings and how they manifest in your behavior-whether you are outright rude or choose to go the silent treatment route affect the family. You cannot pull yourself out of the equation.

[Anonymous]

I should add that because your sister was apparently able to acknowledge some vulnerable feelings to you in better times, she might actually be a good candidate for therapy. You on the other hand, not wanting to admit any part in this problem, would probably waste everyone's time. so it may be a good thing that you probably won't be in family therapy anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I am seeing. Where OP could simply write, "we got the same test score on the SAT, which she didn't expect, and said these mean things, etc." she goes on unnecessarily about how she, the OP, is really both the glamorous attractive one who is also brainy. Do you speak this way in person, OP? If so, you are constantly bragging in an obvious way that you seem to think is hidden.

And then you assume that those who disagree with you have their own issues because we are unattractive or didn't attend good schools. That's downright delusional.

Why would it make a person jealous if another got the same score as them? The jealousy stems not from the fact that she simply didn't expect it. It stems from the reason WHY she didn't expect it. She didn't expect it because: 1) I was more into the clothing, hair, being popular and going out on dates and 2) I never studied much. I have a friend who is a valedictorian and went on to the University of Pennsylvania. She roomed with a pretty, partying cheerleader type of girl. Both were chemistry majors. My friend used to call me and with some regularity complain how much it bothered her that her roommate would get straight A's despite not studying whereas she was killing herself to maintain a B average. I was shocked that my friend was so insecure. She was the queen of confidence in high school. But I realized such jealousy is a reality of some people. So get over the fact that I described myself as "glamorous and attractive and brainy" because whether I truly am all these things is not what is supposed to be at debate here. The fact that you keep focusing on that only reveals your own insecurity: how can OP be all of these things? She must be lying for sure! She must be bragging! Get over it because where I grew up being or having these things was not uncommon. Focus on the real problem I posed - what does one do when dealing with the reality of jealousy that stems from these reasons?

The real problem you posted was supposed to be about your sister's jealousy, not about all your spectacular traits that might cause jealousy. We believe you that she's jealous, we just don't think that's all that's going on here. Yet you keep coming back to why she is jealous, i.e. all of your fantastic traits.

I'm the PP you're responding to and I am attractive and happy, with a hot, funny, wealthy husband, and my IQ is in the 140s. Seriously. I am not jealous of you. I believe woman can be smart, pretty, and wonderful.

[Anonymous]

OP From the way you use English, I think you are originally from another country. Which country is it?

[Anonymous]

^^ Pluto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pluto

Even that would be a compliment and and insult to Pluto.

[Anonymous]

OP - As a life-long DC resident, I am absolutely heartbroken when I read stuff like your last sentence. There are rude cynical people everywhere - DC does not have a corner on that. But the fact that you are unable to see that people have been rude and bitter on this thread because you keep, for example, labeling people with the "rinky dink university" insult is really shocking to me. I have been on DCUM for a while and have started many threads and I have never ever a single time had a thread that devolved into rude name calling. Oh sure, every once in a while someone bored at work comes on to sling an insult, but you ignore them, and you focus on the people who are genuinely interested in trying to help, of which there are many - which is why I keep coming back to DCUM. If you truly and honestly read over this thread, you have exchanged as many rude bitter insults yourself, and the lack of self-awareness with which you have handled this thread is really just unbelievable odd.

I have a cousin who is very much like your sister and I truly truly believe that your sister has some serious issues - I'm not taking that away from you. But, like many others on this thread, I wonder why you continue to engage her by, for example, telling your mother not to tell your sister that you're pregant when you very clearly are. Many of us have been gently trying to tell you what that will look like to a sister who already has strong feelings of jealousy and a pattern of anti-social behavior - it will look to her like you and your mother are "continuing" to colude and cut her out of your lives. EVEN if you don't mean it that way. The way that I have handled my cousin, who is like I said very similar to your sister, is to act 100% normal and not to spend any time at all thinking about it. When I was pregnant (and she was desperate for a baby but not even married), I told people in my family just the way I would have if she didn't have jealousy issues. Not in a "everyone stop and look at me!!!" type of way, but I mentioned it, I emailed, I was happy and excited but not rubbing it in everyone's face. Frankly, I don't know how she dealt with it because I didn't involve myself in her drama. I suggest (and many others have suggested) that this might be a better way of dealing with your problem. Your sister is going to be jealous and you will likely always have a tough relationship with her - minimize contact with her, go about your life as you need to, and think about how your actions and the things you say might look to her. I truly wish you all the best because I know this can be tough. But please please please go back and read this thread and understand how you contributed to the nastiness and that it is not at all indicative of the DC I have known and love.

I'm the pp who said to drop out of the drama and avoid the triangulation with your mother/sister. I agree 100 percent wholeheartedly with the above poster and I think many people on here have suggested the same. I think this advice started out gently enough, but when you responded to some of the snarkier posts by claiming yourself to be 100 percent right and your sister, as well as most of the responders to be fat, unintelligent, jealous, jaded women with TTC issues...well that's where you really lost my patience and respect. I admit, I now come on here just to see how far you will go, whereas I was initially invested in your story from a compassionate standpoint. I was routing for you to find some middle ground perspective and make the mature choice. I see this is not going to happen. For all of the things you continue to list about your sister (which by the way, sound awful) I strongly suspect you have played a role in. relationships are rarely if at all based in linear interactions- they are co-created by definition. I'll never know for sure how you have treated your sister, but it's your behavior on here- the constant need to attack both your sister and the entire DC region that leaves many of us unconvinced of your saintliness. but we all agree your hair is outstanding.

I never claimed myself to be 100% right about anything. I just said the truth about myself. You are naive to believe things can't be so one-sided. Yes, they can be and yes they actually are with some families and some women. And you need to seriously go back and reread page ONE of this thread because I never called anyone fat, unintelligent, jealous, or jaded UNTIL the snarky comments started first. It's all on record here so go back and read.

OP- the only thing you have admitted to is putting your mom in an uncomfortable position and even then you say it's normal for mothers and daughters to share secrets- you justify your behavior, so really you are not admitting anything. Yes mothers and daughter share secrets, when the secret is to hide a very obvious pregnancy- knowing that this negatively impacts your sister, family dynamics ( puts you in a position of being aligned with your mother against your sister), it's clearly not that simple. I think you are competitive with your sister, want to punish her out of your anger, and do so in subtle or direct ways. Wrong. There is NO "family relationship" between my sister and I. We do not communicate at all and haven't for many years. And there was no "family dynamics" that was affected by my not telling my mother. Even my mother said it was none of my sister's business to know anything about my pregnancy. Therefore, how it impacts her is none of my business. My mother was only pestered with questions after my sister finally learned of my pg and even then my mother said it didn't bother her to simply say, "I don't know." If I had it my way I would have stayed away from all family functions indefinitely simply to avoid her. If I wanted to be competitive with her, I would have flaunted my pregnancy as much as could but, to the contrary, I want to be away from her as much as possible. Stop rewriting it according to what you THINK happened. If you can not even trust what I'm saying in this thread, then isn't it time to get off?

If you go to a professional family therapist, one who knows what he or she is doing, there is no way he or she would label your problem as your sister. You would be asked to look at your feelings, how your feelings manifest in behavior and the impact is has on the whole family. Your sister would be asked the same. Actually what you are doing- trying to define your sister as the problem and sole source of conflict in your family has a name in family therapy- it's called scapegoating. You sister would be named the "symptom bearer" for the family's issues. This is very classic family therapy stuff actually. Many people go into family therapy thinking that they just need for someone else in the family to resolve her issues and stop causing problems. It just doesn't work that way, first of all you can only change your behavior, secondly your feelings and how they manifest in your behavior-whether you are outright rude or choose to go the silent treatment route affect the family. You cannot pull yourself out of the equation. This is once again, psych 101 deduction from a community college and it's annoying. First, I never said she was the "SOLE" souce of conflict in the entire family, idiot. Here you go rewriting my story again! Second, what if it IS the case that my sister really IS the problem? Why can't that be the case? Have you never in your life known a woman who is so seething with jealousy that results from deep rooted insecurities? Why do you assume I must have a role in the conflict, simply because I'm lashing out at the snarky posters on this thead? And actually when my mother was dx with cancer, I did see a psychiatrist to cope with the possibility of losing my mother. Lots of issues came out, including my relationship with my sister. The psychiatrist suggested it was indeed jealousy and suggested that I not be passive and avoidant but address her jealousy head on. In other words ask her: "Why do you compare your husband with my my husband, your child with my child?" "So why are you and your husband staring at my belly trying to know if I'm pregnant?" and he suggested I retort back with comments like, "Even if it's true that my son needs your son for social interaction more, your son could learn to be more civilized by hanging more with my son." This is because her son is physically aggressive and is hyperactive. I would be okay doing family therapy but she won't even think of it. I bet because it would expose everything she's said and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is jumping all over OP because she is according to herself: brainy, glamorous, etc. People on here (and no doubt in real life) can't stand OP because of the size of her ego, her entitled attitude, lack of compassion, and complete inability to see herself for who she truly is,and her role in this entire drama.

You make us laugh OP, trust me when I say no one here is jealous of you. I actually pity you!!!

But maybe it is YOU that can't stand to know or hear that someone actually might have those qualities. I don't go around telling people I'm glamorous or brainy, idiot. I'm doing it obviously because I'm on an anonymous board seeking advice. That I recognize that I have these privileges and benefits shouldn't cause you to readily dismiss my complaint. Maybe I really do have these qualities and a very jealous sister too. Did you ever consider that? And do you really think I care that much that I make you laugh? It's just your way of trying to avoid considering the real possibility that maybe I do have all those qualities that you'd rather choose to disbelieve and laugh at. So pity me from afar then and get off the thread.

[Anonymous]

Loopy loopy OP, stop and have some self respect. We pity your family who have to deal with you, especially your poor husband and children.

[Anonymous]

privileges and benefits

Op Those of us who truly have an abundance of privileges and benefits don't feel the need to constantly comment on our privileges. It is in extreme poor taste, and makes you look very insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Loopy loopy OP, stop and have some self respect. We pity your family who have to deal with you, especially your poor husband and children.

Sure, lonely woman, as soon as you do.