Dealing with jealous sister who's still TTC

[Anonymous]

My sister is four years younger than me. She didn't just become jealous because I'm expecting now. In fact, we haven't confirmed our pg to her or her husband yet. I'm 24 weeks and really showing. Last time I saw her she kept staring at my belly and then went to our mother to try to ascertain the truth. She didn't ask me because we are not speaking. We stopped speaking years ago when I learned the extent of her jealousy and competitiveness (not just with me but also with other women). I had asked my mother not to say anything so she denied she knew I was pg.

Anyhow this jealousy has been going on for a very long time. She began to open up to me to explain her feelings many years ago. She said she resented that she felt our father preferred me because I was the more outgoing child. She seemed to establish life milestones based on when I or other women achieved certain things. If I got married by a certain age, she was hell bent on trying to meet or beat my age. When that didn't happen she became very bitter toward me. She was pleased when she finally got engaged but broke off her engagement the day before my wedding. The day of my wedding she abandoned me and didn't help me get ready at all. She told me she thought my gown looked ugly.

When her colleagues were all getting pg and having babies, she called me one day when we were on better terms and confessed how envious she was of them but she couldn't help her feelings.

Then when I was seven months pregnant, she got married. She quickly got pregnant three months later. When my child was two and exhibiting some quirky behavior she was certain it was autism and kept urging us to have him evaluated. He wasn't delayed in his speech but slow to socialize with people outside of the family. We had him tested by several people and learned he did not have ASD, just social anxiety. Then when she had a child he was severely delayed in speech (didn't speak until he was 2 1/2 years old) and exhibited perseverative behavior. She refused to have him evaluated though. Once when we got into an argument about our children she said to me, "Everybody knows my child doesn't need your child, it's your child that needs my child," I suppose a reference to the fact that my DC was slower to socialize and needed her DC to help bring him out of his shell.

After the birth of our first children, she once confessed to me that she and her DH regularly glance at my belly to see if I'm pg with my second yet. They were always trying for their second.

She and I both had graduate school loans to pay off. When we got married, DH paid off mine. Her DH, a surgeon, refused to pay off hers though. I think she resented that because she then accused me of marrying DH for his money.

There have been so many jabs and insults I've taken over the years. Now I'm pg and don't want her to know. Since we're not on speaking terms she can't say anything to hurt me but I just don't want to deal with her stares and glares or the hurtful knowledge that my own sister can be that envious. How can I cope since I have to see her at birthday parties, holidays, etc...???

[Anonymous]

if you can, ignore her. all of these issues are clearly hers and you don't need to deal with them. exchange pleasantries and be done with it. hopefully she's getting the therapy she needs and will lose the chip on her shoulder. and if she does, great, and you can be real sisters. (if you want to.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last time I saw her she kept staring at my belly and then went to our mother to try to ascertain the truth. She didn't ask me because we are not speaking. We stopped speaking years ago when I learned the extent of her jealousy and competitiveness (not just with me but also with other women). I had asked my mother not to say anything so she denied she knew I was pg.

Why are you still seeing her if you're unwilling to speak to her? Why are you putting your mother in the situation of having to actively lie on your behalf? Why are you keeping your pregnancy a secret if: 1) you are in front of her, visibly pregnant, and 2) you have told others in your family who are there at the same event?

I'm quite sure she has issues, but so do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last time I saw her she kept staring at my belly and then went to our mother to try to ascertain the truth. She didn't ask me because we are not speaking. We stopped speaking years ago when I learned the extent of her jealousy and competitiveness (not just with me but also with other women). I had asked my mother not to say anything so she denied she knew I was pg.

Why are you still seeing her if you're unwilling to speak to her? Why are you putting your mother in the situation of having to actively lie on your behalf? Why are you keeping your pregnancy a secret if: 1) you are in front of her, visibly pregnant, and 2) you have told others in your family who are there at the same event?

I'm quite sure she has issues, but so do you.

Yes, to all of this.

[Anonymous]

And you expect anyone who reads this to believe that it is SHE who is jealous of YOU?

[Anonymous]

I was hoping to get at least 10 supportive email before the snarky ones started but looks like you have fast fingers today. lol

I have to see her because she is my sister and we both show up for family events such as holiday parties and birthday parties, family reunions, etc...

I have a good relationship with my mother so we naturally confide in one another. My mother had no qualms about denying my pg because she said it's not her place to tell my sister information about my life. My mother also scolded my sister when she learned my sister was checking out my belly all the time for fear that I might be pregnant again.

[Anonymous]

I recall you posting about this on another forum/another time. If you don't want to speak to her or have a relationship with her, I suggest you send her a brief email saying you are pregnant, how far along you are, and that you wanted her to know. If that is too much, I suggest you ask your mother to tell her and let her know it's not a secret.

I understand you are angry at her, and understandably, but you are continuing the drama by keeping this a secret, it will most certainly look like you attend to throw this in her face, whether you mean to or not. She may have valid feelings regarding her relationship with you, whether she is handling them well or not. Involving your mom in the deception is a way of triangulating the relationship and making her furthermore, an outsider, she will resent that you both kept this from her, but I suspect she will be particularly hurt that you were able to collude your mother in doing this too.

Be happy about your pregnancy, no one should take your joy away from you, but a lot of this is about whether you allow her to or not. You are a part of the drama right now, so remove yourself.

[Anonymous]

Cut her some slack and tell her you're pregnant. Lying about it gives her ammunition.

[Anonymous]

Have compassion for her and don't think of her otherwise.

She's going to find out you are pregnant anyway. Waiting to tell her only causes more problems. You sound quite immature.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the last two posters for the advice. You're right I can remove myself from the drama by admitting it. I know it's her issue and I know she needs to see a therapist to resolve the deep rooted jealousy. But every time she compares, follows, and copies my life and makes envious comments I crumble inside. I just want to be free of that kind of negativity.

I know it's hard to imagine one sister being jealous of another. Families aren't supposed to feel that way toward one another. But family relationships can sometimes become dysfunctional because of deep seated insecurities that brew over long periods of time. I never thought it could happen in my family but I had no idea of the insecurities my sister had.

But do I really owe her any information about my pg at all, especially considering we haven't spoken in five years and her behavior toward me? My sister is also never going to see a therapist for her issues so is there any other way to resolve the jealousy and bring peace to this relationship other than an outright confrontation? Or is this relationship so damaged as to not be reconcilable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you expect anyone who reads this to believe that it is SHE who is jealous of YOU?

OP here. Okay, I have to ask - what did I say or indicate to show that I am jealous of my sister? This is like someone thinking you must have been one of those jealous TTC women before you finally got pg too...and thus the snarky comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you expect anyone who reads this to believe that it is SHE who is jealous of YOU?

OP here. Okay, I have to ask - what did I say or indicate to show that I am jealous of my sister? This is like someone thinking you must have been one of those jealous TTC women before you finally got pg too...and thus the snarky comment.

I'm not the person who called you jealous and jealous may be the wrong word but your response to her jealousy is way off. You are wrapped up in it somehow. Why not just tell her on email or let your mother tell her? What do you think she is going to do?

Siblings are often jealous of each other so your surprise at her jealousy is also off. If your sister is unstable, which is how you describe her, then the jealousy isn't the issues. She has mental health issues and you should just be as kind as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you expect anyone who reads this to believe that it is SHE who is jealous of YOU?

OP here. Okay, I have to ask - what did I say or indicate to show that I am jealous of my sister? This is like someone thinking you must have been one of those jealous TTC women before you finally got pg too...and thus the snarky comment.

I'm not the person who called you jealous and jealous may be the wrong word but your response to her jealousy is way off. You are wrapped up in it somehow. Why not just tell her on email or let your mother tell her? What do you think she is going to do?

Siblings are often jealous of each other so your surprise at her jealousy is also off. If your sister is unstable, which is how you describe her, then the jealousy isn't the issues. She has mental health issues and you should just be as kind as possible.

I haven't found this to be the case with my friends and their siblings though. They all have such close, supportive relationships so it's my relationship with my sister that feels so off. I have friends who are also very supportive of me regardless of what's going on in their lives. So my relationship with my sister feels like the anomaly.

Maybe my reaction sounds off because it's been going on, the comparing, the put downs, the mean spirited comments, for so long. Impossible to shrug it off anymore.

[Anonymous]

Take the high road and tell your sis. you're pregnant. She's going to find out anyway and it will just spurn the rumor mill otherwise.

Keep it simple and short and leave it at that. End the conversation there.

[Anonymous]

I am really glad you are not my sister. You do not sound like a nice person at all. Truly.