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[quote=Anonymous]
OP - As a life-long DC resident, I am absolutely heartbroken when I read stuff like your last sentence.  There are rude cynical people everywhere - DC does not have a corner on that.  But the fact that you are unable to see that people have been rude and bitter on this thread because you keep, for example, labeling people with the "rinky dink university" insult is really shocking to me.  I have been on DCUM for a while and have started many threads and I have never ever a single time had a thread that devolved into rude name calling.  Oh sure, every once in a while someone bored at work comes on to sling an insult, but you ignore them, and you focus on the people who are genuinely interested in trying to help, of which there are many - which is why I keep coming back to DCUM.  If you truly and honestly read over this thread, you have exchanged as many rude bitter insults yourself, and the lack of self-awareness with which you have handled this thread is really just unbelievable odd.

I have a cousin who is very much like your sister and I truly truly believe that your sister has some serious issues - I'm not taking that away from you.  But, like many others on this thread, I wonder why you continue to engage her by, for example, telling your mother not to tell your sister that you're pregant when you very clearly are.  Many of us have been gently trying to tell you what that will look like to a sister who already has strong feelings of jealousy and a pattern of anti-social behavior - it will look to her like you and your mother are "continuing" to colude and cut her out of your lives.  EVEN if you don't mean it that way.  The way that I have handled my cousin, who is like I said very similar to your sister, is to act 100% normal and not to spend any time at all thinking about it.  When I was pregnant (and she was desperate for a baby but not even married), I told people in my family just the way I would have if she didn't have jealousy issues.  Not in a "everyone stop and look at me!!!" type of way, but I mentioned it, I emailed, I was happy and excited but not rubbing it in everyone's face.  Frankly, I don't know how she dealt with it because I didn't involve myself in her drama.  I suggest (and many others have suggested) that this might be a better way of dealing with your problem.  Your sister is going to be jealous and you will likely always have a tough relationship with her - minimize contact with her, go about your life as you need to, and think about how your actions and the things you say might look to her.  I truly wish you all the best because I know this can be tough.  But please please please go back and read this thread and understand how you contributed to the nastiness and that it is not at all indicative of the DC I have known and love.[/quote]

I'm the pp who said to drop out of the drama and avoid the triangulation with your mother/sister.  I agree 100 percent wholeheartedly with the above poster and I think many people on here have suggested the same.  I think this advice started out gently enough, but when you responded to some of the snarkier posts by claiming yourself to be 100 percent right and your sister, as well as most of the responders to be fat, unintelligent, jealous, jaded women with TTC issues...well that's where you really lost my patience and respect.  I admit, I now come on here just to see how far you will go, whereas I was initially invested in your story from a compassionate standpoint. I  was routing for you to find some middle ground perspective and make the mature choice.  I see this is not going to happen.  For all of the things you continue to list about your sister (which by the way, sound awful) I strongly suspect you have played a role in.  relationships are rarely if at all based in linear interactions- they are co-created by definition.   I'll never know for sure how you have treated your sister, but it's your behavior on here- the constant need to attack both your sister and the entire DC region that leaves many of us unconvinced of your saintliness.  but we all agree your hair is outstanding.  [/quote]

I never claimed myself to be 100% right about anything. I just said the truth about myself.  You are naive to believe things can't be so one-sided. Yes, they can be and yes they actually are with some families and some women. And you need to seriously go back and reread page ONE of this thread because I never called anyone fat, unintelligent, jealous, or jaded UNTIL the snarky comments started first. It's all on record here so go back and read.[/quote]

OP- the only thing you have admitted to is putting your mom in an uncomfortable position and even then you say it's normal for mothers and daughters to share secrets- you justify your behavior, so really you are not admitting anything.  Yes mothers and daughter share secrets, [b]when the secret is to hide a very obvious pregnancy- knowing that this negatively impacts your sister, family dynamics ( puts you in a position of being aligned with your mother against your sister), it's clearly not that simple.  I think you are competitive with your sister, want to punish her out of your anger, and do so in subtle or direct ways.  [/b] Wrong. There is NO "family relationship" between my sister and I. We do not communicate at all and haven't for many years. And there was no "family dynamics" that was affected by my not telling my mother. Even my mother said it was none of my sister's business to know anything about my pregnancy. Therefore, how it impacts her is none of my business. My mother was only pestered with questions after my sister finally learned of my pg and even then my mother said it didn't bother her to simply say, "I don't know."  If I had it my way I would have stayed away from all family functions indefinitely simply to avoid her. If I wanted to be competitive with her, I would have flaunted my pregnancy as much as could but, to the contrary, I want to be away from her as much as possible. Stop rewriting it according to what you THINK happened. If you can not even trust what I'm saying in this thread, then isn't it time to get off?

If you go to a professional family therapist, one who knows what he or she is doing, there is no way he or she would label your problem as your sister.  You would be asked to look at your feelings, how your feelings manifest in behavior and the impact is has on the whole family.  Your sister would be asked the same.  Actually what you are doing- trying to define your sister as the problem and sole source of conflict in your family has a name in family therapy- it's called scapegoating.  You sister would be named the "symptom bearer" for the family's issues.  This is very classic family therapy stuff actually. Many people go into family therapy thinking that they just need for someone else in the family to resolve her issues and stop causing problems.  It just doesn't work that way, first of all you can only change your behavior, secondly your feelings and how they manifest in your behavior-whether you are outright rude or choose to go the silent treatment route affect the family.  You cannot pull yourself out of the equation.[/quote] This is once again, psych 101 deduction from a community college and it's annoying. First, I never said she was the "SOLE" souce of conflict in the entire family, idiot. Here you go rewriting my story again! Second, what if it IS the case that my sister really IS the problem? Why can't that be the case? Have you never in your life known a woman who is so seething with jealousy that results from deep rooted insecurities? Why do you assume I must have a role in the conflict, simply because I'm lashing out at the snarky posters on this thead? And actually when my mother was dx with cancer, I did see a psychiatrist to cope with the possibility of losing my mother. Lots of issues came out, including my relationship with my sister. The psychiatrist suggested it was indeed jealousy and suggested that I not be passive and avoidant but address her jealousy head on. In other words ask her: "Why do you compare your husband with my my husband, your child with my child?"  "So why are you and your husband staring at my belly trying to know if I'm pregnant?" and he suggested I retort back with comments like, "Even if it's true that my son needs your son for social interaction more, your son could learn to be more civilized by hanging more with my son." This is because her son is physically aggressive and is hyperactive. I would be okay doing family therapy but she won't even think of it. I bet because it would expose everything she's said and done. [/quote]

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