Dealing with jealous sister who's still TTC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last time I saw her she kept staring at my belly and then went to our mother to try to ascertain the truth. She didn't ask me because we are not speaking. We stopped speaking years ago when I learned the extent of her jealousy and competitiveness (not just with me but also with other women). I had asked my mother not to say anything so she denied she knew I was pg.

Why are you still seeing her if you're unwilling to speak to her? Why are you putting your mother in the situation of having to actively lie on your behalf? Why are you keeping your pregnancy a secret if: 1) you are in front of her, visibly pregnant, and 2) you have told others in your family who are there at the same event?

I'm quite sure she has issues, but so do you.

Another person agreeing with this post.

[Anonymous]

Obviously you both have plenty of issues but as a person who went through many years of IF in a big and fertile family on both sides, IF is gut wrenching and affects a woman down to the primal core. Please keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound just as messed up as your sister. Stop putting your mother in the middle - that's a dick move. Yes, she sounds like she has that typical younger sibling envy, in a more extreme form - but at least she's told you she's aware of it and has tried to open up about her issues to you. Geez, stop making her such a big deal from your end. Just let her know directly that you are pregnant and excited. Then get on with your life. BTW, not talking at 2.5 is not what i'd call "extremely" delayed - come on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is four years younger than me. She didn't just become jealous because I'm expecting now. In fact, we haven't confirmed our pg to her or her husband yet. I'm 24 weeks and really showing. Last time I saw her she kept staring at my belly and then went to our mother to try to ascertain the truth. She didn't ask me because we are not speaking. We stopped speaking years ago when I learned the extent of her jealousy and competitiveness (not just with me but also with other women). I had asked my mother not to say anything so she denied she knew I was pg.

Anyhow this jealousy has been going on for a very long time. She began to open up to me to explain her feelings many years ago. She said she resented that she felt our father preferred me because I was the more outgoing child. She seemed to establish life milestones based on when I or other women achieved certain things. If I got married by a certain age, she was hell bent on trying to meet or beat my age. When that didn't happen she became very bitter toward me. She was pleased when she finally got engaged but broke off her engagement the day before my wedding. The day of my wedding she abandoned me and didn't help me get ready at all. She told me she thought my gown looked ugly.

When her colleagues were all getting pg and having babies, she called me one day when we were on better terms and confessed how envious she was of them but she couldn't help her feelings.

Then when I was seven months pregnant, she got married. She quickly got pregnant three months later. When my child was two and exhibiting some quirky behavior she was certain it was autism and kept urging us to have him evaluated. He wasn't delayed in his speech but slow to socialize with people outside of the family. We had him tested by several people and learned he did not have ASD, just social anxiety. Then when she had a child he was severely delayed in speech (didn't speak until he was 2 1/2 years old) and exhibited perseverative behavior. She refused to have him evaluated though. Once when we got into an argument about our children she said to me, "Everybody knows my child doesn't need your child, it's your child that needs my child," I suppose a reference to the fact that my DC was slower to socialize and needed her DC to help bring him out of his shell.

After the birth of our first children, she once confessed to me that she and her DH regularly glance at my belly to see if I'm pg with my second yet. They were always trying for their second.

She and I both had graduate school loans to pay off. When we got married, DH paid off mine. Her DH, a surgeon, refused to pay off hers though. I think she resented that because she then accused me of marrying DH for his money.

There have been so many jabs and insults I've taken over the years. Now I'm pg and don't want her to know. Since we're not on speaking terms she can't say anything to hurt me but I just don't want to deal with her stares and glares or the hurtful knowledge that my own sister can be that envious. How can I cope since I have to see her at birthday parties, holidays, etc...???

The first paragraph is the weirdest one of all to me. If you are 24 weeks and really showing, she can see it and why wouldnt she ask your mom about it seeing as you and she are not on speaking terms? She could just assume I guess but it seems relatively normal behavior for her to seek confirmation from your mom that another baby is entering the family even if her reasons for asking are not entirely prisitne. Petty jealousies aside, to then have your mom lie to her and say she knows nothing of it makes all of you look like you are all living in the theatre of the absurd.
When we got pregnant a few years ago, we had siblings with whom my husband was estranged. We told local relatives including one sibling of his in person and then that same day emailed the rest of them a short but happy message sharing the news. That way everyone knew and nobody needed to lie or hide things. Otherwise IMO you are contributing to the drama. I mean, the baby will be here before too long and then what? We knew some of the people we emailed would have a snarky reaction but we had to ditch that feeling and move on from it.
I basically think you are adding to your own troubles in some ways by holding on to all of this. Inform her of just the basics and then keep your status of not talking after that if that is working for you in general.

[Anonymous]

Going to family functions and not talking to your sister. Really? How are you any better than your sister in the drama department? I can't imagine how uncomfortable this must be for EVERY other member of your family and what a horrible example you are setting for all of the children about how adults handle differences and grievances. Your little sister is jealous of you--so what? Have compassion for someone who is (if what you say is accurate) so unhappy with her own life and move on. Your actions indicate that you have your own problems to work out. Everyone needs to cut the drama or your family is going to blow sky high.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last two pp's. I can't imagine going to a family function visibly pregnant, not talking to my sister, and instructing family members to deny any knowledge that I am pregnant. This is utterly bizarre, cruel even, and I imagine makes your sister feel very excluded from her family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are pretty high up there, yourself, on the scales of crazy and immature.

Great lessons to teach your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have 3 sisters. We have some of the same issues but maybe not to the extent you do. Our relationships fluctuate a lot and it seems like someone is always fighting. We definitely have jealousy issues and your sister sounds very similar to one of my sisters.

I would only suggest that you take control of your relationship with her. By not telling her or asking your mother not to say anything to her you are playing right into her issues. You are just making it worse and allowing her to play the victim role. You don't have to talk to her but you should try to treat her like another family member. No one is saying you have to be close but just treat her like a distant cousin. When you see her you catch up but when you don't she doesn't even cross your mind.

It smees like you think about this a lot. I would definitely recommend therapy for you so you can just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I just don't agree. Yes IF is gut-wrenching. I was IF for years before. But as grown women maturity is expected to take over the initial swell of emotions such as jealousy. It's what separates us, or should separate us, from children, animals, and uncivilized people. And so why is it okay to cast unhappiness about our own lives on others?

I'm not speaking to my sister as a way to protect myself. Frankly, its also to protect my child too as she is comparing her child to mine constantly and fostering competitiveness between them. It gives her less ammunition and might actually be reducing the drama. If I shared information with her about my life the comparisons, the snide remarks, the comparing of our children, too, would just get worse.

I think the jealousy she feels is the cause and at the core of what makes the entire family feel uncomfortable. Maybe an all out discussion in front of a therapist and the family might be a good thing to resolve that. But now that would be real drama.

[Anonymous]

Her jealousy isn't really about you, stop acting like it is. You asked your mom to lie to her??

No one believes you that all of your friends have nothing but supportive sibling relationships. Cain and Abel? Ancient Greek myths? Sibling rivalry is part of the human condition. Your sister may need mental health help but your obsession with her jealousy is also unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

All of you bashing OP should be ashamed. She is the sister of a narcisist. She has had to start acting this way in order to remove the toxic person from her life. If this means ignoring her at family functions then, that is what she has to do. I agree that she should not put her mother in the middle, but sometimes you have to keep some distance from the nasty person. My SIL is the same way with my DH. Extremely jealous and just plain mean. We had to stop telling her everything. She did not find out I was pg until I was 8 months along. She would have made my life miserable if I had told her sooner. She came the baby shower for my first child and sat in a corner and sulked. She ruined every important occasion in my life up until the time I cut her off. Unless you have dealt with someone like this, you have absolutely no idea how you would act. I go to many family functions, and just act like my SIL is not there. If I was to speak to her, the passive aggresive behavior, the lying, the jealousy would start all over again. She is fit to be tied right now because she does not know what is going on in our life. This is the ONLY way to deal with someon like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I just don't agree. Yes IF is gut-wrenching. I was IF for years before. But as grown women maturity is expected to take over the initial swell of emotions such as jealousy. It's what separates us, or should separate us, from children, animals, and uncivilized people. And so why is it okay to cast unhappiness about our own lives on others?

I'm not speaking to my sister as a way to protect myself. Frankly, its also to protect my child too as she is comparing her child to mine constantly and fostering competitiveness between them. It gives her less ammunition and might actually be reducing the drama. If I shared information with her about my life the comparisons, the snide remarks, the comparing of our children, too, would just get worse.

I think the jealousy she feels is the cause and at the core of what makes the entire family feel uncomfortable. Maybe an all out discussion in front of a therapist and the family might be a good thing to resolve that. But now that would be real drama.

OP, here is the thing. The core of family therapy is the understanding that problems do not boil down to one family member- problems are co-created. You each have your role in this drama, I don't see you in any way trying to understand your own position in the trouble. We are not talking to your sister, we are talking to you- you can only change your own behavior. You have found a way to isolate your sister by colluding with your mother. You need to stand on your own two feet and deal with your issue independent of drawing other people into your conflicts. No one is expecting you to have a close relationship with your sister or even to "get along" with your sister. It's perfectly fine to let your mother know how you feel and your concerns- but expecting her to "side" with you and actively help in deceit is just insane! this is not a kindergarten sandbox- this is your family. I think most posters on here are suggesting you to take the grown-up approach. If you think refusing to tell your sister you are pregnant is somehow going to prevent problems- I think you are in for a world more of trouble. You asked for advice, you got it, now it's up to you to figure out what you want to do. Personally, I think you came on here looking for more sympathy- you don't really want to solve the problem- you want to continue to retaliate against your sister's behavior. You outline her problems like you are talking in court to a judge and want to prove how terrible she is. I think if anything you are disappointed that no one is holding your hand right now and baby-ing you through this. time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

boy would I love to hear the sister's version of this story!

[Anonymous]

This post makes me so scared that I'm about to have two girls. Get help, OP. You clearly need a professional, not a message board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I just don't agree. Yes IF is gut-wrenching. I was IF for years before. But as grown women maturity is expected to take over the initial swell of emotions such as jealousy. It's what separates us, or should separate us, from children, animals, and uncivilized people. And so why is it okay to cast unhappiness about our own lives on others?

I'm not speaking to my sister as a way to protect myself. Frankly, its also to protect my child too as she is comparing her child to mine constantly and fostering competitiveness between them. It gives her less ammunition and might actually be reducing the drama. If I shared information with her about my life the comparisons, the snide remarks, the comparing of our children, too, would just get worse.

I think the jealousy she feels is the cause and at the core of what makes the entire family feel uncomfortable. Maybe an all out discussion in front of a therapist and the family might be a good thing to resolve that. But now that would be real drama.

OP, here is the thing. The core of family therapy is the understanding that problems do not boil down to one family member- problems are co-created. You each have your role in this drama, I don't see you in any way trying to understand your own position in the trouble. We are not talking to your sister, we are talking to you- you can only change your own behavior. You have found a way to isolate your sister by colluding with your mother. You need to stand on your own two feet and deal with your issue independent of drawing other people into your conflicts. No one is expecting you to have a close relationship with your sister or even to "get along" with your sister. It's perfectly fine to let your mother know how you feel and your concerns- but expecting her to "side" with you and actively help in deceit is just insane! this is not a kindergarten sandbox- this is your family. I think most posters on here are suggesting you to take the grown-up approach. If you think refusing to tell your sister you are pregnant is somehow going to prevent problems- I think you are in for a world more of trouble. You asked for advice, you got it, now it's up to you to figure out what you want to do. Personally, I think you came on here looking for more sympathy- you don't really want to solve the problem- you want to continue to retaliate against your sister's behavior. You outline her problems like you are talking in court to a judge and want to prove how terrible she is. I think if anything you are disappointed that no one is holding your hand right now and baby-ing you through this. time to grow up.

This is great advice.