Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

Or they want to tell the child themselves in an age appropriate way and not have an aunt or uncle gossip about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

Or they want to tell the child themselves in an age appropriate way and not have an aunt or uncle gossip about it?

+1

I can’t believe you needed to explain this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

+1 exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

But apparently according to the other PP’s it’s fine to keep your pregnancy a secret from family members until after you give birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

But apparently according to the other PP’s it’s fine to keep your pregnancy a secret from family members until after you give birth.

DP Keeping your pregnancy private from a sibling and keeping surrogacy a secret from a child are two entirely different things involving different circumstances.

That this is not understood is a good indication of why certain people are not getting the pregnancy information they think they are entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

I also think use of a surrogate is a likely explanation. Maybe they didn't want to deal with negative reactions to it from someone(s) they did see more frequently in person -- e.g., OP's parent? -- so they just kept it quiet until the baby was born. My mother would flip if I used a surrogate (super Catholic) and I can 100% see not wanting to deal with it until my baby had arrived/she would have to play nice for grandparent access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible they adopted a baby? In that case they may not known too far in advance, and would understandably be hesitant to say anything until it's a done deal.

Yes, and it's the same for a surrogate - surrogate agreements fall through. Nothing is certain until you have the baby home.

[Anonymous]

Is she married? Does she have other kids?

Many years ago, my uncle didn’t tell my mom or their other siblings about his daughter until after she was born. He wasn’t married, and they didn’t even know he was seeing anyone. He had/has a good relationship with his siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

But apparently according to the other PP’s it’s fine to keep your pregnancy a secret from family members until after you give birth.

Yes because your pregnancy is not anyone else’s business. Surrogacy/adoption/egg or sperm donation is the business of the child when they have reached an appropriate age. It still won’t be the business of the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

+1000. They weren't doing it to hurt you. They were doing it for their own reasons and you feel hurt that those reasons didn't prioritize you

I have been mad about medical secrets when those secrets affected me and my plans. But unless there were plans made (like a joint vacation or something) it's hard to see how keeping a pregnancy secret hurts anyone.

You keep talking about this as a "medical choice" or "medical care." It is not. It is a new member of the "presumably close" family. A new member of the family doesn't only affect or belong to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

For many people who have had loss, late loss, and losses, this very much is sharing medical information. It’s remarkable you don’t realize this.

Almost every woman who has multiple children has had "pregnancy loss."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”

. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

It sure is.

A co-worker keeping their pregnancy secret would be quite a feat, given that people see them every day.

[Anonymous]

When my close family member purposely didn’t tell me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born, it was a power play in an abusive dynamic where the person has treated me like crap my whole life. Also, said family member is a narcissist and had a ton of friends visit in the hospital when the baby was born and made sure it got back to me. Because of this behavior, I have decided that I can no longer continue a relationship with a person who is constantly playing games. Not every pregnancy secret is because of good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

That still doesn’t make it insulting.

It would be to many people.

Many people might choose to be insulted sure but that doesn’t make it insulting.

Others might choose to realize its about the new family’s preferences not theirs.

Others might choose to reflect on their historical conduct.

All choices.

I guess you could say that about anything. You could not invite your sibling to your wedding - after all, it's the couple who chooses whom to invite and no one is entitled to an invitation. The vast majority would feel insulted though.

Sure let’s take your example. A couple who elopes, marries at city hall, doesn’t invite their siblings. Are those siblings all insulted? Not in my experience.

A couple who has suffered repeated loss or a late loss or stillbirth tells family when the baby is safe in moms arms. Is that family insulted? Not in my experience.

Now sure in both cases people can choose to make it about them and be insulted. But rational, empathetic and loving people don’t make that choice.

Yup I know many people who only announce the baby once it is born! Surprosed more of you aren't aware of this.....

Despite previous loss, this is odd. It means that acquaintances, friends, co-workers and neighbors all know that the person is expecting, because they have eyeballs. But the person's familymembers are the only ones not to know. There is so much emotional immaturity now. If there is one person who they feel will not be sensitive, they should withhold information from THAT PERSON, but if someone feels that their entire family cannot support them emotionally, they need to look in the mirror for a deeper issue. They probably also need to be in therapy for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

+1000. They weren't doing it to hurt you. They were doing it for their own reasons and you feel hurt that those reasons didn't prioritize you

I have been mad about medical secrets when those secrets affected me and my plans. But unless there were plans made (like a joint vacation or something) it's hard to see how keeping a pregnancy secret hurts anyone.

You keep talking about this as a "medical choice" or "medical care." It is not. It is a new member of the "presumably close" family. A new member of the family doesn't only affect or belong to the parents.

In what way does the process of becoming a parent "belong" to siblings and/or parents? A new family member is a new family member. The process isn't guaranteed to result in a new member of the family.

A pregnancy - a process of potentially becoming a mother - belongs to the mother; it does not "belong" to siblings and/or parents.