Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

That still doesn’t make it insulting.

It would be to many people.

Many people might choose to be insulted sure but that doesn’t make it insulting.

Others might choose to realize its about the new family’s preferences not theirs.

Others might choose to reflect on their historical conduct.

All choices.

I guess you could say that about anything. You could not invite your sibling to your wedding - after all, it's the couple who chooses whom to invite and no one is entitled to an invitation. The vast majority would feel insulted though.

Sure let’s take your example. A couple who elopes, marries at city hall, doesn’t invite their siblings. Are those siblings all insulted? Not in my experience.

A couple who has suffered repeated loss or a late loss or stillbirth tells family when the baby is safe in moms arms. Is that family insulted? Not in my experience.

Now sure in both cases people can choose to make it about them and be insulted. But rational, empathetic and loving people don’t make that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

OP here. I wish it weren’t true, but sadly it is. Thank you for all the perspectives shared so far.

OP- are you in contact with your parents and did they know? I too would be confused if my sibling did this, but I think all you can do is offer congratulations and support and say you look forward to meeting your new niece / nephew at some point in the future.

FWIW, while my family is really open about medical issues and milestones (to they extent some of them overshare, lol), my ILs are at the way opposite end of the spectrum and super private, to the point that MIL outright lies if ommission alone isn't enough. I don't fully understand it because it has made them so isolated, but it's just their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

That still doesn’t make it insulting.

It would be to many people.

Many people might choose to be insulted sure but that doesn’t make it insulting.

Others might choose to realize its about the new family’s preferences not theirs.

Others might choose to reflect on their historical conduct.

All choices.

I guess you could say that about anything. You could not invite your sibling to your wedding - after all, it's the couple who chooses whom to invite and no one is entitled to an invitation. The vast majority would feel insulted though.

Sure let’s take your example. A couple who elopes, marries at city hall, doesn’t invite their siblings. Are those siblings all insulted? Not in my experience.

A couple who has suffered repeated loss or a late loss or stillbirth tells family when the baby is safe in moms arms. Is that family insulted? Not in my experience.

Now sure in both cases people can choose to make it about them and be insulted. But rational, empathetic and loving people don’t make that choice.

Yup I know many people who only announce the baby once it is born! Surprosed more of you aren't aware of this.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this "story".

Why don't you beleiveit? This is a common practice for people who have experienced loss or if they have family members that like to center thehmselves whenever someone else makes an announcement.

[Anonymous]

I experienced stillbirth and did not tell my family, even my parents (or inlaws) until I was 6 months pregnant and went on bed rest. We are very close but it was traumatizing to me and to our families. I need to focus on managing my own anxieties and not others.

I am curious if OP has asked any questions. You don’t need to be rude but I would ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she had prior losses? I know people who told no one after they had loss(es) until the baby was born alive and home.

Not that I’m aware.

My guess is that there were previous pregnancies that you simply aren't aware of. Also, when you text and talk with your sibling, do you ask them questions about themselves? WHen I "talk" to my mom, it's usually mainly her talking AT me, so I can't get a word in even if I had news to share.

Or maybe your sibling was being respectful of infertility problems that you or other family/friends experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I experienced stillbirth and did not tell my family, even my parents (or inlaws) until I was 6 months pregnant and went on bed rest. We are very close but it was traumatizing to me and to our families. I need to focus on managing my own anxieties and not others.

I am curious if OP has asked any questions. You don’t need to be rude but I would ask.

Not OP, but as someone who has BTDT, what questions would be appropriate to ask at this stage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thought is it was an unwanted pregnancy.

That was my initial thought too. My cousin had an unplanned pregnancy (with boyfriend she had split up with) and had intentions to give up the baby. So she didn't tell anyone except for a couple close friends in town that could serve as an emergency contact and help with the delivery. But then she decided to keep the baby and so everyone (including her parents) found out after the birth. It was a surpsise but a happy one!

[Anonymous]

I had a couple miscarriages so we waited until around the 4 month mark to tell our parents and around 6 months for everyone else. There was always a risk but my DH occasionally travels for work so TBH it was better for people to know in case something happened and I needed help. My mom and sister were the ones who passed the word out when the baby was born (because new parents are exhausted) so it also would have been strange if they had not been aware I was pregnant before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

I'm not asking for "probably why OPs sister". I'm asking PP to describe why they said they would be insulted.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible they adopted a baby? In that case they may not known too far in advance, and would understandably be hesitant to say anything until it's a done deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.