Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

+1000. They weren't doing it to hurt you. They were doing it for their own reasons and you feel hurt that those reasons didn't prioritize you

I have been mad about medical secrets when those secrets affected me and my plans. But unless there were plans made (like a joint vacation or something) it's hard to see how keeping a pregnancy secret hurts anyone.

You keep talking about this as a "medical choice" or "medical care." It is not. It is a new member of the "presumably close" family. A new member of the family doesn't only affect or belong to the parents.

A baby is a new member of the family.

A pregnancy is a medical situation which does not always result in a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

Agreed; not normal behavior.

I would distance myself some from someone who did this. I would be open to a relationship but careful. Sometimes they are just control freaks who get off on withholding. I also agree for some families there could be a lot of fear around the birth. It's my personal choice to be uncomfortable with it and keep distance. I would be afraid of stepping on toes and I am not someone who pries or feels like people owe me information. Sometimes it is just so weird as to be uncomfortable. I would definitely ask why they kept it a secret.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

You are ridiculous and extreme. I'm a new poster here but no one is saying this. Grow up. I wouldn't be friends with someone who did this to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

I agree. I would be nice but not assume we were friends or close.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

For many people who have had loss, late loss, and losses, this very much is sharing medical information. It’s remarkable you don’t realize this.

Almost every woman who has multiple children has had "pregnancy loss."

You’re right, it’s very common.

Which makes it all the more disappointing that people can’t treat others with empathy when they choose to protect themselves following loss, and instead center themselves and their “hurt feelings” in the story.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

You are out of your mind. It is very odd not to mention you are pregnant to someone you are close to. I don't demand anything but it would make me feel like I was being lied to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my close family member purposely didn’t tell me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born, it was a power play in an abusive dynamic where the person has treated me like crap my whole life. Also, said family member is a narcissist and had a ton of friends visit in the hospital when the baby was born and made sure it got back to me. Because of this behavior, I have decided that I can no longer continue a relationship with a person who is constantly playing games. Not every pregnancy secret is because of good intentions.

Nobody here disagrees.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

Like the “helpful” families who blame women for their miscarriages? Gossip about them constantly? Send articles about adoption? That kind of “help”?

Welcome a baby or don’t. Its not about you.

Where do you get off assuming people are gossiping about miscarriages etc. You are so extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

You are out of your mind. It is very odd not to mention you are pregnant to someone you are close to. I don't demand anything but it would make me feel like I was being lied to.

You would feel like you’re being lied to. That sounds uncomfortable and maybe painful.

Could you contrast that discomfort and pain to a grieving mother who has lost a child and now needs to call you and tell you that?

Whose pain do you believe should take precedence? You or the person experiencing loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of you are full of crap. If your sibling, especially one you stay on contact with, did this to you, you’d be losing your mind. You may not be entitled to all the gory details, but not to be told by a sibling that a baby is on the way is a slap in the face. And some of you are too precious and self absorbed with your “ trauma and feelings”. Grow up and move on with your lives. And yes, I did lose a baby. It was awful, but I figured it out and realized I can’t walk on eggshells and have everyone around me walk on eggshells forever.

Same here. I agree about walking on eggshells. I've had miscarriages and a molar pregnancy and am a reserved person. I've never been one to assume people owe me information but it is a kind of insult if the person thinks they need to avoid telling me something so big. I wouldn't understand them and would wonder if they assumed the worst of me. It would affect the relationship if they were someone I was close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You mean *you* can’t. Plenty of the rest of us can welcome a baby and support its family just fine without knowing about its gestation. I imagine your sibling found supportive people who care about the baby in her arms more than they’re mad they didn’t know about one in her uterus.

You didn’t read what I wrote. The baby has been born and I still haven’t been told. That’s really weird and tells me there is no real relationship between us. Move along, psychopath.

I agree op. I'm sorry this happened.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

Dp

We call bull on you calling bull.

New poster. Don't say we. There is exactly one of you and several opposing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

Dp

We call bull on you calling bull.

New poster. Don't say we. There is exactly one of you and several opposing you.

DP. “We” is correct. Plenty of us can live with respecting the choices of other adults without taking them personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

A baby isn't just a medical issue. A baby involves a pregnancy (absent adoption ...). A pregnancy involves medical issues. Medical issues involve deference the person with the medical issue.

It is anti-human

When your fellow brothers and sisters offer reasonable disagreement, is it also part of your healthy village to dismiss them as anti-human?