Reply to Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress. [/quote]

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week. 
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it. [/quote]

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter. [/quote]

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment. [/quote]

What on earth!? Parents are people. And once their kids are grown, relationships shift. I guess you were “needy” and “weak” as a child, right? And you expected your parent to share “resources”? Well, now your parents might need you.  Or they might just want to get to know you in an adult-adukt relationship. No, parents  shouldn’t use their kids as therapists, but that isn’t what OP described. Sharing experiences and emotions, good or bad, is what people in close relationships do.

I really wonder about responses like the PP’s and where these people are getting their ideas that it’s “inappropriate” to discuss anything negative from your past with your adult children. [/quote]

Reading comprehension is not perhaps your strong suit? I said nothing about not being "allowed" to share negative experiences. Talking about being bullied by itself is fine, why not if that came up. Talking about bullying and complaining that HIS parents didn't protect him == go to therapy, trauma dumping. I have a lot of interesting stories from my grandma, who was born at the turn of the last century. She lived through both world wars in Europe. During the wars the resources were so scarce that the boots she managed to obtain for her daughter, my aunt, were stamped into her passport. The stamp said "boots for the daughter". Lots of people live interesting and fulfilling lives, but it requires personal agency. The dad the OP has does not have personal agency and relies on others to function. It's not something that happened in old age, it's how he is. It's difficult to understand unless you actually have a parent like this. I'm the PP with a mom just like this and it's super exhausting, and yes, I was parentified from an early age. From about the age of 5 I knew that I was the second in charge after my dad. I'm sure when the OP is talking about being parentified, it happened a long time ago, not last year. And no, I don't want to "discuss" whether my dad was a "good lover" to my mom or not. Perhaps you do. I really don't. And as far as sharing experiences and emotions goes... with a parent like the OPs, I'm certain there was no sharing when she was a teen or a young adult and she had to manage on her own (I know I did), so it's obvious that you cannot start sharing "on demand" after not sharing for 50+ years. [/quote]

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