(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to stop thinking you can control this man. You can’t. You divorced him because he couldn’t control HIMSELF. I understand you have a vision of how he must be as a parent to allow you to be divorced and to protect your kids. Let that go. You can’t control him, you can’t control what that looks like. A man like this will get remarried, and he won’t see the kids as much anyway. He will move and he won’t see the kids as much anyway. Stop relying on someone you divorced and trying to control what you cannot control. You divorced him for a reason. Be prepared to do this alone, be prepared for him to not do things in the way you’ve decided is the very best. Let it go. You two were trapped in a toxic dynamic where he had no self control and you’re super controlling. You got out of it. For the love, stop trying to control this new situation. Let it go.

And for what it's worth, remarriage was the best thing that happened to my alcoholic ex. She does a pretty good job of mothering him and keeping him sober, and she was good with our kid before they moved to her home country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

I think OP has a vision of a divorce where the kids suffer no impact and it’s important to her to maintain complete stability with both parents involved 50%, doing things the same exact way. That’s not divorce, though. She has to let that sh&t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I posted on one of your other threads and I'll say the same thing here.

You need to stop bailing him out. I know you are telling yourself you are doing it for your kids, but I suspect you are also doing it for yourself. You can feel like the bigger person, the benevolent person who helps him keep his life on track even after what he did to you. You also get the benefit of not having to deal with the fact that you fell in love with and had children with an alcoholic cheater.

You did, and now you need to let him go. He will sink or he will swim, but it's no longer your problem.

Yeah, I think OP desperately wants to believe that her ex may have been a sh!t husband, but that he's still a good dad. But he's not, not right now. Maybe one day, he can be, but that's TBD years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

I think the 7-year-old should get at least one activity, but maybe OP can look for activities offered directly after school at school? Those are sometimes the most fun and social. Instead of optimizing for a particular activity, optimize for convenience, but don't give up entirely on all extracurriculars. They build confidence and give kids a sense of place and purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. You do not deserve this train wreck of an ex husband.

You should first get insurance. Why doesn’t your work have it? Call his insurance company. Cobra is expensive. Have them help you figure out options.

He should go and live with his parents for a while and focus on finding a job. He may need to break his lease. That is his issue. You can’t worry about all these issues. You need him to be stable, he sounds like he needs more help than you can give. I understand this will be hard for the kids. He should be collecting unemployment. Does he have any job prospects? He should be attending AA meetings regularly to be around the kids.

Other than that, yes, stop contributing to the 529s for now. And will you be okay without child support for a short time? He will likely get a new job. This is going to be fine. Do t upend your life for his constant drama.

Her kids medical insurance and expenses are not just OP’s. ExH should also contribute towards it. If he’s on unemployment he should be getting around $1700/month and kids support will be decided automatically from that amount. Contact DC unemployment benefits department and ask how you can get a deduction from his unemployment

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you still love him. You want him to be the best version of himself, even though he isn’t, and it feels like you are holding on to that. I get that. It’s hard to have someone that was amazing turn on you; it’s hard not to love them. It messes with your mind.
I do think that you deserve so much better. I would not let him move in. 130k with a 2100 mortgage is totally doable if you don’t have childcare… can you figure out childcare? I think an uu pair is a great idea for the in law suite as it would not get rent but could free up the 1700 in childcare costs.
Sending you hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just reminding you of what you said in your last thread:

"OP here- I would never never have him live in the basement. That would be so toxic for all of us."

👀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

No you don't understand he's not your problem. You keep concerning yourself with the issues that HE brought up on HIMSELF.
Your husbands actions are traumatic .. NOT the end of the world.

Those kids will be adults and form their own opinion of that father of theirs. He will have to explain that -- NOT YOU.

What about the problems he brought upon her kids? That's OP's point. It's presumably best for the kids to be able to continue to see their father, so she's trying to figure out how to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

[Anonymous]

Moving your ex back in, even temporarily will really mess up your kids. I remember friends whose parents did that and the kids had this wild hope that their parents would get back together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

I'm not divorced or a single mom, but I don't have an issue at all with OP dating. Sometimes a good boyfriend can really be a shoulder to lean on. She seems to be prioritizing the kids still, so it doesn't seem to be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.