(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

I'm not divorced or a single mom, but I don't have an issue at all with OP dating. Sometimes a good boyfriend can really be a shoulder to lean on. She seems to be prioritizing the kids still, so it doesn't seem to be a problem.

Yeahs it's just a question of when/where when you have sole custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

This "acitve and involved" parent is an alcoholic with a DUI...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

This "acitve and involved" parent is an alcoholic with a DUI...

Do you understand the timeline? The DUI was more recent, she started dating almost a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

This "acitve and involved" parent is an alcoholic with a DUI...

Do you understand the timeline? The DUI was more recent, she started dating almost a year ago.

Yeah, the DUI wasn't until June, but he was a known alcoholic disaster before that ... and what has she been doing for the past 3 months? Continuing 50/50 custody after he put others' lives at risk while driving with .24??

[Anonymous]

The courts generally rule for alcoholics to get 50% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

I want to know what the hell happened. I've been following since her first post and I was rooting for them. In her updates, things seemed to be going fairly well. She was talking about how he was in therapy and learning how to communicate and was answering all her questions. Then he backslid and started talking to an old HS girlfriend. It was like, at that point maybe the marriage wasn't going to work out, but he still seemed like a solid person and stable co-parent, and now he's completely off the deep end.

[Anonymous]

Being an alcoholic will not prevent a parent from seeing their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The courts generally rule for alcoholics to get 50% custody.

"Alcoholic" is quite a bit different than "alcoholic with a DUI, no drivers license, lost his job". He's not a fit parent. Courts absolutely do take that into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

I want to know what the hell happened. I've been following since her first post and I was rooting for them. In her updates, things seemed to be going fairly well. She was talking about how he was in therapy and learning how to communicate and was answering all her questions. Then he backslid and started talking to an old HS girlfriend. It was like, at that point maybe the marriage wasn't going to work out, but he still seemed like a solid person and stable co-parent, and now he's completely off the deep end.

I would have guessed that being alone and the divorce finally caught up with him. You do have to consider if he was (is) telling the truth about his DUI - IIRC he said he "only" had a few beers after golf and it was the first/only time etc etc. I don't believe that. Alcoholics are great liars. So if you don't believe that, do you also believe when he said he was doing well? When he said he was running and doing therapy etcetc. Or do you believe he goes home to an empty home, without his children, and drinks himself to sleep, and then gets up and goes to work, and comes home again to an empty home, etc. Maybe he was functional and sober enough to take care of the children when he had them, or maybe everyone was so busy that he slipped by. Maybe he'd been using alcohol to cope for a long time.

I also posted much earlier in the thread - do we believe that he just "randomly" lost his job? Idk. An alcoholic, going through a divorce who just got a DUI. Could he have been laid off with no fault of his own? Possibly. Or possibly he was doing what alcoholics going through a divorce who just got a DUI do, and that's continue to drink and be self destructive, and something he did caused him to lose him job. I come from a family of alcoholics, so I'm very suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

I want to know what the hell happened. I've been following since her first post and I was rooting for them. In her updates, things seemed to be going fairly well. She was talking about how he was in therapy and learning how to communicate and was answering all her questions. Then he backslid and started talking to an old HS girlfriend. It was like, at that point maybe the marriage wasn't going to work out, but he still seemed like a solid person and stable co-parent, and now he's completely off the deep end.

I would have guessed that being alone and the divorce finally caught up with him. You do have to consider if he was (is) telling the truth about his DUI - IIRC he said he "only" had a few beers after golf and it was the first/only time etc etc. I don't believe that. Alcoholics are great liars. So if you don't believe that, do you also believe when he said he was doing well? When he said he was running and doing therapy etcetc. Or do you believe he goes home to an empty home, without his children, and drinks himself to sleep, and then gets up and goes to work, and comes home again to an empty home, etc. Maybe he was functional and sober enough to take care of the children when he had them, or maybe everyone was so busy that he slipped by. Maybe he'd been using alcohol to cope for a long time.

I also posted much earlier in the thread - do we believe that he just "randomly" lost his job? Idk. An alcoholic, going through a divorce who just got a DUI. Could he have been laid off with no fault of his own? Possibly. Or possibly he was doing what alcoholics going through a divorce who just got a DUI do, and that's continue to drink and be self destructive, and something he did caused him to lose him job. I come from a family of alcoholics, so I'm very suspicious.

IIRC, the drinking and drunk driving preceeding him moving out... she posted about how he came home drunk from the bar when she found him texting his ex-girlfriend. He's been a disaster for a long while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

I want to know what the hell happened. I've been following since her first post and I was rooting for them. In her updates, things seemed to be going fairly well. She was talking about how he was in therapy and learning how to communicate and was answering all her questions. Then he backslid and started talking to an old HS girlfriend. It was like, at that point maybe the marriage wasn't going to work out, but he still seemed like a solid person and stable co-parent, and now he's completely off the deep end.

There was some stuff in the older OPs about his drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

I also think he moved out October 2023 and she began dating someone this past December - 2024

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

I want to know what the hell happened. I've been following since her first post and I was rooting for them. In her updates, things seemed to be going fairly well. She was talking about how he was in therapy and learning how to communicate and was answering all her questions. Then he backslid and started talking to an old HS girlfriend. It was like, at that point maybe the marriage wasn't going to work out, but he still seemed like a solid person and stable co-parent, and now he's completely off the deep end.

I would have guessed that being alone and the divorce finally caught up with him. You do have to consider if he was (is) telling the truth about his DUI - IIRC he said he "only" had a few beers after golf and it was the first/only time etc etc. I don't believe that. Alcoholics are great liars. So if you don't believe that, do you also believe when he said he was doing well? When he said he was running and doing therapy etcetc. Or do you believe he goes home to an empty home, without his children, and drinks himself to sleep, and then gets up and goes to work, and comes home again to an empty home, etc. Maybe he was functional and sober enough to take care of the children when he had them, or maybe everyone was so busy that he slipped by. Maybe he'd been using alcohol to cope for a long time.

I also posted much earlier in the thread - do we believe that he just "randomly" lost his job? Idk. An alcoholic, going through a divorce who just got a DUI. Could he have been laid off with no fault of his own? Possibly. Or possibly he was doing what alcoholics going through a divorce who just got a DUI do, and that's continue to drink and be self destructive, and something he did caused him to lose him job. I come from a family of alcoholics, so I'm very suspicious.

IIRC, the drinking and drunk driving preceeding him moving out... she posted about how he came home drunk from the bar when she found him texting his ex-girlfriend. He's been a disaster for a long while.

Ah you might be correct. He definitely does sound like a train wreck. It would have been better for the kids to get a nice peaceful summer while he went to rehab or something.