Boyfriend is celibate until marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

No, the guy is an absolute creep, and women are just helping OP realize that fact.

What's creepy about him saying no? What's creepy about him clearly and honestly communicating his boundaries, directly to her?

That she doesn't like it doesn't make it creepy. That he understands why he drew that boundary doesn't make it creepy.

What's "creepy" is all y'all acting like all men owe you dick on demand, and it's creepy to want to wait. That's creepy af.

Troll sock puppet op again

Idiot "troll sock puppet op again". Ask Jeff, clownshoes. I'm not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

R u still talking about how he said he is celibate?

Or r u talking about how he was a long term sex addict, alcoholic and has had STD scares?

Which ones you minimizing Pp?

Who the eff are you to judge?! Y'all need Jesus...

Go to therapy and learn to mind your own business. If a former addict setting better boundaries gets you this het up, that's a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

Bro, this isn't "yikes". It's not for you, and it doesn't sound like it's for OP either, but it's not "yikes" to have limits and clearly express them.

Lotta rape culture evident on this thread.

WTF? It’s “rapey” to want to have an intimate, sexual relationship with your partner? You are off.

To want it? No. To demand it from someone who has made it clear they aren't willing to offer it to you? YES.

You can want what you want. If your partner doesn't want it, the solution isn't to shame and blame them until they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

He admitted to being an addict.

So addicts don't get to have agency? They don't get to draw boundaries around their recovery? If they were an addict, they have to engage their addiction(s) to please you?

Him admitting to be an addict doesn't justify the wackadoodle nonsense most of the posters here keep spouting off about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His body, his choice.

/end thread

This. But he can't have that, because... lady reasons? Or something?

Bs be cray...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

He admitted to being an addict.

So addicts don't get to have agency? They don't get to draw boundaries around their recovery? If they were an addict, they have to engage their addiction(s) to please you?

Him admitting to be an addict doesn't justify the wackadoodle nonsense most of the posters here keep spouting off about.

There is nothing wrong with this guy stating his boundaries. Women are just noticing that he has an addiction as well as depression and is controlling the sexual relationship and the timetable for marriage. Women should be asking themselves whether they are ok with these boundaries, possible future addiction issues, the guy's breakdown related to a death, and if there are ulterior self-interested motives to setting these boundaries. There is no right or wrong answer to staying with him. OP just asked for advice.

I don't understand your comment about engaging in the addiction. Why would you marry if you didn't intend to have sex during the marriage? The addiction is sex and typically a marriage involves sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

Bro, this isn't "yikes". It's not for you, and it doesn't sound like it's for OP either, but it's not "yikes" to have limits and clearly express them.

Lotta rape culture evident on this thread.

WTF? It’s “rapey” to want to have an intimate, sexual relationship with your partner? You are off.

To want it? No. To demand it from someone who has made it clear they aren't willing to offer it to you? YES.

You can want what you want. If your partner doesn't want it, the solution isn't to shame and blame them until they do.

Agreed. It's better they split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has so many messy af women in it... If you flip the genders, you'd be screaming about how rapey he was for trying to force her into something he didn't want, and how scummy it was of him to blame her, armchair psychoanalyze her, label her an addict or a zealot or both...

Y'all need to learn to center your own agency so that when someone gives you facts you don't like about what they will/won't do in a relationship, you cut your losses and leave instead of wasting your time trying to "figure him out". He said what he said. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

It's. Not. That. Deep.

He admitted to being an addict.

So addicts don't get to have agency? They don't get to draw boundaries around their recovery? If they were an addict, they have to engage their addiction(s) to please you?

Him admitting to be an addict doesn't justify the wackadoodle nonsense most of the posters here keep spouting off about.

Of course they should and can draw boundaries. Sex addiction is particularly difficult because he isn’t planning on abstaining forever (unlike alcoholics or drug addicts who are in recovery). It just doesn’t seem like either he or OP has really thought about what it will mean for him to be back in a sexual relationship. Do they recommend total abstention for sex addicts? I don’t know. If she’s gojng to stay with him, I think she needs to get educated on this. But this is far from a straight up “I love Jesus so I’m saving myself for marriage” scenario. It’s messy and OP needs to decide if she’s willing to do the work to figure this all out and if his BF is actually engaging with the issues he has had, or just temporarily hiding from them. None of us know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

Bro, this isn't "yikes". It's not for you, and it doesn't sound like it's for OP either, but it's not "yikes" to have limits and clearly express them.

Lotta rape culture evident on this thread.

WTF? It’s “rapey” to want to have an intimate, sexual relationship with your partner? You are off.

To want it? No. To demand it from someone who has made it clear they aren't willing to offer it to you? YES.

You can want what you want. If your partner doesn't want it, the solution isn't to shame and blame them until they do.

Agreed. It's better they split up.

I don’t think op is planning to shame or blame him. I think her question is more — should I tell him this isn’t how I want to live the next several years and move on, or should I try to make this work even though it’s not my first choice. Lots of people do try to make things work even if it’s not their first choice (probably all couples do.). People are just flagging for her that the celibacy thing may be the tip of the iceberg here.

[Anonymous]

He's not normal and he is also a huge unknown who is asking you to take a huge gamble that, once married, you will have a normal, satisfying sex life. I highly doubt that's the case. It's not heroic to remain sexless and I won't argue about the virtue of doing so. I'm just not buying his excuses and I'd advise great caution with this one. Unless you decide to outsource while you wait another two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not normal and he is also a huge unknown who is asking you to take a huge gamble that, once married, you will have a normal, satisfying sex life. I highly doubt that's the case. It's not heroic to remain sexless and I won't argue about the virtue of doing so. I'm just not buying his excuses and I'd advise great caution with this one. Unless you decide to outsource while you wait another two years.

Maybe OP should just "outsource" during her entire relationship with the boyfriend. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not normal and he is also a huge unknown who is asking you to take a huge gamble that, once married, you will have a normal, satisfying sex life. I highly doubt that's the case. It's not heroic to remain sexless and I won't argue about the virtue of doing so. I'm just not buying his excuses and I'd advise great caution with this one. Unless you decide to outsource while you wait another two years.

Maybe OP should just "outsource" during her entire relationship with the boyfriend. Problem solved!

Yeah ask him if he'll be a cuck

[Anonymous]

Who wants to get married without sampling the goods?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

Bro, this isn't "yikes". It's not for you, and it doesn't sound like it's for OP either, but it's not "yikes" to have limits and clearly express them.

Lotta rape culture evident on this thread.

WTF? It’s “rapey” to want to have an intimate, sexual relationship with your partner? You are off.

To want it? No. To demand it from someone who has made it clear they aren't willing to offer it to you? YES.

You can want what you want. If your partner doesn't want it, the solution isn't to shame and blame them until they do.

When did OP say that she is shaming her partner, or demanding anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not normal and he is also a huge unknown who is asking you to take a huge gamble that, once married, you will have a normal, satisfying sex life. I highly doubt that's the case. It's not heroic to remain sexless and I won't argue about the virtue of doing so. I'm just not buying his excuses and I'd advise great caution with this one. Unless you decide to outsource while you wait another two years.

Maybe OP should just "outsource" during her entire relationship with the boyfriend. Problem solved!

Maybe she should. It's for her to decide. Otherwise, she is with a guy who has made the decision, not just for himself, but for her as well that her sex life has now ended, to be picked up-maybe-at a time of his choosing some two or more years in the future. That's a really tough ask and very suspicious.