Boyfriend is celibate until marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, at least he will likely want to marry soon rather than serial date. Would you want to marry him? Is he caring, kind, smart, attractive, good job, shared values and beliefs? If he is the whole package, go take a cold shower.

+1

[Anonymous]

My husband and I didn’t sleep together until marriage. We were both super into each other and got married in less than a year. That part of our marriage is really great now. We are religious, so waiting seemed valuable to us, and our church has premarital classes to go through, so it felt like the relationship was progressing.

I’m wondering if going to a couples counselor would give you that same sense of making progress. You’d be able to get a good sense of whether this is him having good boundaries around one issue, or whether he needs control more generally. For example, if he was an alcoholic, and he didn’t want to be around alcohol, everyone would accept that. Why was sex that important to him? What will happen once you get married? Is he a once a week guy, a three times a day guy, or somewhere in the middle?

I think it’s sweet that he wants to wait, but if you’re not fully on board, that’s really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you can see marrying him, I’d get counseling. Even if you end up breaking up, you’ll have learned from the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, at least he will likely want to marry soon rather than serial date. Would you want to marry him? Is he caring, kind, smart, attractive, good job, shared values and beliefs? If he is the whole package, go take a cold shower.

I’m human. I want sex. We have been together 8 months and man it’s hard. He is a really great guy but he is not fast tracking marriage. His ideal timeline is marriage in 2-3 years.

He’s just not that into you. If he is celibate really liked you he would have popped the question AT LEAST 2 months ago, or sooner and you’d already be married and having sex by now.

Not everyone waiting for sex gets married right away. They have only been together for 8 months. Marriage is a serious decision. Not everyone gets married on a whim and is okay with just get a divorce when they no longer feel like being married.

8 months is a long time if you’re in your 30s. If OP is in her 20s she doesn’t sound mature enough for this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

I don't understand why marriage is the point of starting to have sex again in his particular case. What is he using as an escape now instead of sex? Is he better able to handle the situations or feelings he was trying to escape in the past? It's great that he's doing some work on himself, but he might be more successful with a therapist than on his own.

In your very brief description, he is coming across as someone who might be prone to black or white thinking. Do you two handle disagreements well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there other things you can do without PIV or is all that off the table? Intimacy and pleasure can be had/felt without sex.

Nothing besides kissing. He has found Christ as he says and decided sex is off the table. He doesn’t want to rush marriage because he doesn’t believe in divorce. He wants to make sure he is 100% compatible with whomever he marries.

Sexual compatibility is a thing, too but he's ok without knowing that?

There are lots of red flags here. At a minimum, I'd assume he has a low sex drive or some kind of sexual dysfunction. That may work for some, but personally, I'd move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

I’m not a troll.

To answer your questions

He said he used sex an escape. When he was happy, bored, or stressed. He slept with a lot of random women. Lots of one night stands and casual sex. He’s cheated. He even slept with married women in the past. He said his body count is 100+. He just did it because it was there.

He had a std scare and that whipped him into shape. Then a family loss. He decided he didn’t want to live his life like that. He decided he wanted to wait for marriage because he made a choice to reserve sex the way god intended. He wants to be in love and do it the right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

I’m not a troll.

To answer your questions

He said he used sex an escape. When he was happy, bored, or stressed. He slept with a lot of random women. Lots of one night stands and casual sex. He’s cheated. He even slept with married women in the past. He said his body count is 100+. He just did it because it was there.

He had a std scare and that whipped him into shape. Then a family loss. He decided he didn’t want to live his life like that. He decided he wanted to wait for marriage because he made a choice to reserve sex the way god intended. He wants to be in love and do it the right away.

This all came after he decided to turn to the faith he was raised in. He has since found god and the right way. He wants to live the way god intended.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is what you were told about in your last thread about this. You do not have the same values. Period. Break up and move on.

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned that he has a history of cheating and using sex to cope. This isn't something that just disappears. Is he doing anything to address the root cause of why this happened? Because just avoiding sex doesn't really address the root of the problem.

Also, if he’s saying he doesn’t want to get married for several years and is already putting major restrictions on intimacy, it sounds like a relationship where his needs and timeline are being prioritized—not yours. That kind of dynamic can easily become one-sided. Too much compromising on your end. I think you can do better.

[Anonymous]

I would need more. And lots of specific attention downtown. A man that can convince to wait for marriage with his tongue could probably get me to crawl through glass.

Just kissing my mouth won’t cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

I’m not a troll.

To answer your questions

He said he used sex an escape. When he was happy, bored, or stressed. He slept with a lot of random women. Lots of one night stands and casual sex. He’s cheated. He even slept with married women in the past. He said his body count is 100+. He just did it because it was there.

He had a std scare and that whipped him into shape. Then a family loss. He decided he didn’t want to live his life like that. He decided he wanted to wait for marriage because he made a choice to reserve sex the way god intended. He wants to be in love and do it the right away.

This all came after he decided to turn to the faith he was raised in. He has since found god and the right way. He wants to live the way god intended.

Delete. Block. Move.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m seeing this guy I really like who told me he has decided to be celibate until marriage. I’ve been trying to be understanding but it is getting pretty hard for me to not want sex with him. I think about sex constantly. I don’t know if I can do this..

Are you planning to marry this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t deserve him. Respect.

Would you be fine being in a new multi year relationship and never having sex? Never knowing what sex is like before you marry that person?

I'd break up with them and look for someone more compatible, if this was this level of issue for me.

You are not entitled to sex. Loving someone means respecting their boundaries and not prioritizing your wants over their bodily autonomy.

This behavior is creepy, and if the sexes were swapped, we'd have no trouble calling it what it is: rapey af.