Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

+1000. I am baffled by the posters who insist grandma should go to the birthday party just because she RSVP’ed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

It’s scary and overwhelming, but she doesn’t want mom to come too early — or too late, only in that one small window of time that mom has committed to something else. That’s very different from “Please come as soon as you can get here.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

It’s scary and overwhelming, but she doesn’t want mom to come too early — or too late, only in that one small window of time that mom has committed to something else. That’s very different from “Please come as soon as you can get here.”

Unless I missed additional details elsewhere in the thread, this is false. The new mom called the day the child was born and asked her mom to be there the very next day. That's not a weird and arbitrary window. It's ASAP. Or, you know, the soonest point after you finish getting the placenta out and the stitches in. I think that timing makes perfect sense and there's no reason to believe the new mom is doing it to mess with the 3 year old's birthday party!

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, all of this is just rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic. The real thing that's clear here is that there's serious dysfunction in this family, and that's super unfortunate for everyone. I'm sorry for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why the visit has to be in the same day as the party. Sounds like the baby was already born? So why does it matter if the grandparent comes to visit in a Monday instead of Saturday?

This. Grandma should just say she is busy that one day but can visit before or after. Unless there is some sort of desperate need for help on that day that involves the baby or mom’s health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why the visit has to be in the same day as the party. Sounds like the baby was already born? So why does it matter if the grandparent comes to visit in a Monday instead of Saturday?

This. Grandma should just say she is busy that one day but can visit before or after. Unless there is some sort of desperate need for help on that day that involves the baby or mom’s health.

Wowwwww, be prepared to be That Mom or That MIL or That Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Is the baby in the NICU or doing an extended stay due to the early birth? Even if that’s not the case, I’d see the baby. Bday parties aren’t a big deal especially at that age.

[Anonymous]

I would go to the party, and visit the baby after. Skipping the party sends a clear message that the easy going child and their family is less important - this is a situation where you can easily do both. To not even try is not a neutral decision. It's SO easy to just always cave to the demanding one. In this case it seems manipulative if new mom would not welcome grandma unless she arrives at a specific time/date and ONLY then.

I suspect grandma and manipulative kid will eventually get cut out from the lives of the normal family - and maybe that's already happening is siblings haven't seen each other in years and barely talk. People who want to be in touch do more than a zoom call a couple times a year during the holidays.

I may be interpreting through the lens of personal experience, but ALWAYS having to be the one to go along and be ok with anything and everything gets old. If this were an isolated occurrence I would be understanding given the circumstances, but it seems to be a pattern of this family always flaking for one reason or another. I'd be done with them. Life's too short.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raise[b]d.

This is emotional abuse and manipulation.

This is a child who will grow up learning that their feelings don't matter. That someone else is always more important. That it's their duty to to manage everyone else feelings particular adults.

This is not a normal response for kids being raised in normal, loving families, which you obviously were not, and that is sad. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raise[b]d.

This is emotional abuse and manipulation.

This is a child who will grow up learning that their feelings don't matter. That someone else is always more important. That it's their duty to to manage everyone else feelings particular adults.

This is not a normal response for kids being raised in normal, loving families, which you obviously were not, and that is sad. I'm sorry.

Yeah, that PP is clearly insane. It is of course perfectly reasonable to explain to a child that a guest won’t be there at her birthday party because her cousin was born.

[Anonymous]

I am so fascinated by this thread. I am the kid who doesn’t cause trouble and has to always go along with everyone else. Sort of felt like the forgotten child sometimes, though probably my siblings remember things differently who knows.

But, totally unplanned, I had the first grandchild. And woohoo were my parents excited to become grandparents! They only got to do that for the first time once and it was with my oldest. They were camped out at the hospital and losing their minds with excitement. They truly love all their grandchildren and are wonderful grandparents but that level of specialness and excitement was pretty much a one time thing. My siblings were mostly reasonable about it aside from one SIL who was super bitter I “stole” her chance to have the first grandchild (her own parents already had other grandkids) but I strongly suspect they remember my parents being awake and with me for nearly a full day waiting for my oldest to arrive. If they had no problem waiting a couple days to go visit their other grandchildren I think that would have been noticed. I really do think a new baby is exciting and special and should be treated that way whether they are grandchild 1 or 35.

Anyway it’s just a tough situation and I really hope everyone who hasn’t pushed a bowling ball out of their private area within the last day can be flexible if the person who is probably still bleeding from her vagina is a little emotional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I still vividly remember being a little brat on the day of my birthday party when I was 8 or something and my mom telling me that was why Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t get to have birthday parties and maybe they were on right track after all. A little harsh but honestly I see her point sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go to the party, and visit the baby after. Skipping the party sends a clear message that the easy going child and their family is less important - this is a situation where you can easily do both. To not even try is not a neutral decision. It's SO easy to just always cave to the demanding one. In this case it seems manipulative if new mom would not welcome grandma unless she arrives at a specific time/date and ONLY then.

I get what you are saying, but I would disagree this is a situation where you can "easily do both." I think two special occasion events where you need to be "on" AND a six hour drive in one day sounds absolutely exhausting, and I'm close to the age of the daughters, not grandma. I'm not even sure it could work, if the birthday party is at say 1 PM, then she would get to the newborn's house/hospital quite late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I still vividly remember being a little brat on the day of my birthday party when I was 8 or something and my mom telling me that was why Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t get to have birthday parties and maybe they were on right track after all. A little harsh but honestly I see her point sometimes.

I get it. Birthday party culture is out of control.