Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raise[b]d.

This is emotional abuse and manipulation.

This is a child who will grow up learning that their feelings don't matter. That someone else is always more important. That it's their duty to to manage everyone else feelings particular adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing manipulative about a daughter wanting her mother to meet her baby and to help her out after an unexpectedly early birth. Nothing. The end.

No, but it is manipulative and selfish to insist that visit be on the same day as her niece or nephews party.

This is a ridiculously narcissistic viewpoint. It is the birthday party of a three-year-old, by definition irrelevant. The baby was born early and that was probably scary. Grow up.

Just because you use the words irrelevant and narcissistic does not make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

Except grandma can show up the next day. No one has explained why this one day matters so much.

[Anonymous]

In a healthy family where everyone is actually a mature adult and not emotionally manipulative and supportive.

The aunt whose baby is not in the NICU who has a supportive husband.

Would be excited that the cousins are going to have birthdays together. She would be telling the grandma to go to the party and end her love, if she was up to it she and her other kids might even do a quick facetime in to the birthday party sending a quick birthday wish. And the birthday child might send a birthday wish to her new cousin the same way.
Grandma would go see the newborn the next day or the day after if she really needs to help because anyone who has ever had a newborn knows you actually need help in the following days in week not day 2 or 3 .

Now if the baby truly were premature and in the NICU and not going to make it yes then the party could be put on on hold and they'd all go to support mom and baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

Except grandma can show up the next day. No one has explained why this one day matters so much.

All I've got is new moms are emotional and when they say jump you say how high. only op's daughter isn't a new mom this is at least her third child as op says she has other kids. both mom and baby are healthy so not an emergent situation In reality it doesn't matter. I'd love OP to come back and tell us what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

1. It's not manputative to have a baby early or to have a desire to have your mom come and see your new baby ASAP.

2. Newborn mom may especially want a visit because her DH will need to be tending to older kids.

3. Given semi-estrangement, does newborn mom even know about the party? I'm not estranged from my sibling, but I live a fair distance away and they don't tell me about birthday parties they're having.

If you have been estranged from your mother and you expect her to drop the birthday of your sister’s child and refuse to allow the mother to come on day 3 instead of day 2? Manipulative AF. We will only reunite on my strict terms.

Maybe they are estranged because mom plays favorites and is never there for the estranged one. I keep my distance from my mom because of how she treats me. Part of is is because of my sibling who I will not have a relationship with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

That’s interesting. If I were the grandparent, trying to placate the kid who wanted me to spin on a dime and ignore everyone else’s needs in favor of theirs —I’d feel genuinely torn, but I, too, would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, because the demanding child’s self-centeredness would continue to have negative impacts on relationships with and between our other family members. I’d feel badly about not being there, especially given the new baby — but I’d resent the demanding kid’s insistence on such a small and specific time window.

I’m wondering here if the demanding sibling has a history of making very specific demands whenever the laid-back sibling makes plans. This is sad for the grandkids, who will be drawn into a problematic family dynamic.

We get it. You aren’t interested in this grandchild; you already have at least one. Your new grandchild, innocent of all this, will know you care more about punishing others than meeting, knowing or loving them.

No, actually you don’t “get it”. You’re probably can’t “get it”.
How will the innocent newborn “know” all that you’re projecting onto them?
Seriously, I know that this is an anonymous message board, but I hope that you can get help with whatever it is that’s troubling you.
Peace out.

You’re literally advocating for a distant relationship with the parent of the newborn baby. Therefore the baby will also be distant. No grandma worthy of the name would do that to a grandchild.

You’re literally advocating for ignoring the child and grandchild who planned a celebration— to favor the one who is being manipulative. If visiting the parent of the newborn on another day creates a “distant relationship “ — so be it. You sound very dramatic. You’re really not in charge of “worthiness” . Lol Whatever.

I completely agree with this. But the reality is that parents are unlikely to do this. They are more likely to accommodate the immature child and expect the other child to go along.

1. It's not manputative to have a baby early or to have a desire to have your mom come and see your new baby ASAP.

2. Newborn mom may especially want a visit because her DH will need to be tending to older kids.

3. Given semi-estrangement, does newborn mom even know about the party? I'm not estranged from my sibling, but I live a fair distance away and they don't tell me about birthday parties they're having.

If you have been estranged from your mother and you expect her to drop the birthday of your sister’s child and refuse to allow the mother to come on day 3 instead of day 2? Manipulative AF. We will only reunite on my strict terms.

Maybe they are estranged because mom plays favorites and is never there for the estranged one. I keep my distance from my mom because of how she treats me. Part of is is because of my sibling who I will not have a relationship with

So you would remedy that by causing pain for your niece or nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

This doesn’t seem weird to me. She called the day she had a baby and asked her mom to come the very next day. She probably didn’t even know her niece or nephew was having a birthday party the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raise[b]d.

This is emotional abuse and manipulation.

This is a child who will grow up learning that their feelings don't matter. That someone else is always more important. That it's their duty to to manage everyone else feelings particular adults.

DP. I find this response to be completely and totally insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raise[b]d.

This is emotional abuse and manipulation.

This is a child who will grow up learning that their feelings don't matter. That someone else is always more important. That it's their duty to to manage everyone else feelings particular adults.

Insane take. Absolutely insane. This creates entitled monsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why the visit has to be in the same day as the party. Sounds like the baby was already born? So why does it matter if the grandparent comes to visit in a Monday instead of Saturday?

Right...unless there is a special event with the newborn, go a different day.

The special event is the BIRTH! They're still in the hospital. It's literally the most special event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

"Pull a stunt" like giving birth literally that day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

The baby was JUST born? A day before the party? The newborn wins here. Any grandma who declined to visit their brand new grandchild because an older grandchild was having a birthday party is making a real statement. I'd cancel the birthday party and celebrate the newborn! If the birthday kid isn't old enough to know the difference, which it seems like they arent.

100% this.

Cancel the birthday party??? This is a child with friends and those friends have parents who carved out time to likely bring their kid and possibly stay there and purchase a gift . The newborn doesn't care. Is this a single mother? Is her husband or wife not able to take off a few days from work to help until grandma comes? This is insane.

OP said it's a family party and the birthday child won't be old enough to remember.