Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

It’s scary and overwhelming, but she doesn’t want mom to come too early — or too late, only in that one small window of time that mom has committed to something else. That’s very different from “Please come as soon as you can get here.”

+1. There are people in my family like this, they are manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

For me, birth of a grandchild and being helpful to my child after birth absolutely trumps any other commitment. I would expect my other children to understand that they would warrant the same priority in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

Except grandma can show up the next day. No one has explained why this one day matters so much.

All I've got is new moms are emotional and when they say jump you say how high. only op's daughter isn't a new mom this is at least her third child as op says she has other kids. both mom and baby are healthy so not an emergent situation In reality it doesn't matter. I'd love OP to come back and tell us what happened.

The new mom just delivered early and there’s an estranged relationship. This is an opportunity for these two women to mend some fences. Yes, an early birth can be overwhelming and it’s natural to want your mom. It also makes sense the new mom prefers grandma not to attend a social gathering right before visiting a vulnerable newborn in a hospital.

It really is ok to miss a birthday party even if you RSVP’d. Life happens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

For me, birth of a grandchild and being helpful to my child after birth absolutely trumps any other commitment. I would expect my other children to understand that they would warrant the same priority in that case.

I can’t imagine an adult child who wouldn’t understand!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised how many people are saying go to the birthday party.

A baby was born! Early! That's scary and overwhelming. Daughter wants mom to share that. Mom should go.

Without hesitation, I would tell my mom to go (even if I was silently annoyed at the universe for taking grandma away from the party). I don't even like my sibling very much, and I'd still be telling my mom to go.

It’s scary and overwhelming, but she doesn’t want mom to come too early — or too late, only in that one small window of time that mom has committed to something else. That’s very different from “Please come as soon as you can get here.”

+1. There are people in my family like this, they are manipulative.

Sounds like you are assuming everyone is like your manipulative family members and assuming the worst in people you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, all of this is just rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic. The real thing that's clear here is that there's serious dysfunction in this family, and that's super unfortunate for everyone. I'm sorry for all involved.

Hard disagree. New mom is reaching out. This is a promising step. What’s dysfunction is missing these opportunities to make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I am willing to bet the estranged sister makes it a battle of the birthday parties every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I am willing to bet the estranged sister makes it a battle of the birthday parties every year.

This isn’t about a birthday party at all. It’s about a newborn who came early. Why can’t you get that?! She didn’t plan a premature or early birth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I am willing to bet the estranged sister makes it a battle of the birthday parties every year.

This isn’t about a birthday party at all. It’s about a newborn who came early. Why can’t you get that?! She didn’t plan a premature or early birth!

I understand that this sister can’t wait 24 hours for her mother to see her sister’s child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

Actually the OP was equivocal on that.