I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so:

He's generally nice to you: That's good but I wouldn't call it "amazing". You must have a very low opinion of men if you do.

He doesn't micromanage your spending, which is partly from your own earnings and marital assets: Normal.

He does some chores (less than half): Normal. He doesn't have to be reminded: Good.

He took 2 weeks parental leave: Not very good.
He was helpful while on leave: Good.

He is a CFO of a big company: That's really the most "amazing" thing here.

He "bought you a house" using your earnings which are half his anyway, and other marital assets which are half yours anyway: Normal, and also a weird thing for you to say.

He doesn't really care about which house so he went with your preference: Normal.

He sees his kid 2 days a week: Not very good, may improve as the kid stays up later.

He's handling a weekend of caring for one infant mostly without your input: That's good. But it's not "amazing".

So I'm not really seeing where the "amazing" is, and I think your friends are right to call this out. What makes you feel you need to ooh and aah over this setup?

OP here.

He’s more than “ generally” nice to me. He’s very good to me and goes out of his way to treat me well and show me he loves me.



I say he bought a house for us because he used his savings as a down payment and fully pays the mortgage and almost all of our bills. We have a joint account but my paycheck has always gone directly into savings.

Many working men and women barely see their kids. I know several female doctors and lawyers who see their kids on average 1 hour a night and on the weekends. People work.

Many men do not get enough paternity leave. Some men are lucky to even get 2 weeks.

Like you do for him, right? Are you an amazing wife? Or are you a normal couple at the beginning, often the easiest part, of a marriage?

This^. OP is an amazing wife/mom/household manager/second earner and her DH is appreciative as he is climbing the ladder and earning much more than he could if he had to hold the fort at home as well. You should hire some help and both enjoy what matters to you. OP, you deserve it all.

[Anonymous]

*also both are incredibly lucky to be on same page and of a lucrative opportunity to build wealth. There is no shortage of intelligent and hard working men but having luck to find a suitable partner and a suitable career is what's really amazing here.

[Anonymous]

*or women

[Anonymous]

The way you talk is strange. Your husband lives in the house and has his name on the title. It’s no big thing that he spends money he earned on the place he lives. Not sure why you keep saying he bought the house for you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just find new friends Op. It sounds like they like to talk about you and probably make fun of you and your family behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you talk is strange. Your husband lives in the house and has his name on the title. It’s no big thing that he spends money he earned on the place he lives. Not sure why you keep saying he bought the house for you.

This. Does he have you convinced he's Mr. Benevolence because he agreed to spend joint assets on a different joint asset?

Maybe OP has no understanding of what the law actually is here. The money and the house are marital assets. Even if you call them "mine" or "his" and think of them that way, the law may see them as joint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

OP here. This. My husband is a great dad when he’s home but he works a lot. Most nights my son is already asleep before he gets home and wakes up after he leaves for work. He sees him on the weekends and that’s about it unless he has a day he works from home.

And this appeals to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

Agree, it sounds like daddy bought the little girl the doll she had seen in the store window. Her phrasing was “a tell.”

OP has old fashioned or childlike views. If she is going back to work, she needs to approach her husband as an equal partner and negotiate a division if home and child care (could include outsourcing, of say cleaning). She will realize this when she is trying ton”do it all.” Her friends undoubtedly meant well.

I’m the OP. Ew and that’s creepy. I’m adult and have an adult view of the world. He’s not my “ daddy”.

We share finances and it’s both ours. He doesn’t care much ahoy homes so he bought the one I wanted the most. I only said that because I know women who have to run every purchase by their husbands. I don’t.

Um no, those of us who make money don't have to do that... But then again, I also consider that my husband and I bought our house together. Is your name even on the deed? You may want to check...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

OP here. He changes diapers. He does a lot of care on the weekends in between work. He took 2 weeks off after we had our son to be there for me. He did all the diaper changing and I did nothing but feed and rest. He took care of the house and the baby. Now I do that because he works 60+ hour weeks as a CFO. I don’t mind it.

So he works 9-11 hour days M-F and also works weekends? Sounds like you basically have a sugar daddy who changed diapers for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

Why isn't he doing bedtime some nights after being gone at work all day? Or at least doing it together? Or is he sitting back in his leather chair watching the news with an Old Fashioned in his hand while OP does everything because he worked so hard all day?

Op here. There are a couple of reasons.

I nurse my baby to sleep fully each night and for naps. That’s our bond and our routine.

My husband isn’t home bedtime very often. He works a lot.

Neither of us drink.

He is hands on when he’s home.

Except for when he's working.

Come back when your kids are in elementary school and their dad knows nothing about their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

OP here. He changes diapers. He does a lot of care on the weekends in between work. He took 2 weeks off after we had our son to be there for me. He did all the diaper changing and I did nothing but feed and rest. He took care of the house and the baby. Now I do that because he works 60+ hour weeks as a CFO. I don’t mind it.

Two whole weeks? OMG WOW. No wonder you think it's "amazing".

You need to open your eyes. Lots of men take far more parental leave than that. It's NORMAL to take more leave than that. Has he got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important and can't?

You don't mind it now, because you're young and energetic and only have one kid and haven't even tried the working mom juggle for one day. You might feel differently when you have more kids and are alone with them every weeknight. Men who think they need to work long hours can make for a very lonely marriage.

OP here. He’s a CFO. I know what I was getting into when I dated and married him.

I am more traditional. I wanted to be a wife and a mom above all else. I have a career but that’s not nearly as important as having a family. That’s my personal choice. My mom was a SAHM in the 80’s/90’s. I do come from a more traditional Midwest life.

I’m also not young either. I’m 35. We don’t plan on having another kid given my age and my husband being 39. We joke that we are too old to have more kids. It took us a while to have conceive so he will be a one and only most likely.

Oh please. I'm a tax lawyer so I've known hundreds of CFOs. That title itself is meaningless. Some of them couldn't find their way out the door. If he's the CFO of Kraft or something, that's a bit different. But you do sound a bit doe-eyed about your husband. And I am someone who will openly say that I adore my husband. But not because he works hard and bought me a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

OP here. He changes diapers. He does a lot of care on the weekends in between work. He took 2 weeks off after we had our son to be there for me. He did all the diaper changing and I did nothing but feed and rest. He took care of the house and the baby. Now I do that because he works 60+ hour weeks as a CFO. I don’t mind it.

Two whole weeks? OMG WOW. No wonder you think it's "amazing".

You need to open your eyes. Lots of men take far more parental leave than that. It's NORMAL to take more leave than that. Has he got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important and can't?

You don't mind it now, because you're young and energetic and only have one kid and haven't even tried the working mom juggle for one day. You might feel differently when you have more kids and are alone with them every weeknight. Men who think they need to work long hours can make for a very lonely marriage.

OP here. He’s a CFO. I know what I was getting into when I dated and married him.

I am more traditional. I wanted to be a wife and a mom above all else. I have a career but that’s not nearly as important as having a family. That’s my personal choice. My mom was a SAHM in the 80’s/90’s. I do come from a more traditional Midwest life.

I’m also not young either. I’m 35. We don’t plan on having another kid given my age and my husband being 39. We joke that we are too old to have more kids. It took us a while to have conceive so he will be a one and only most likely.

But don't you understand that some men are capable of impressive jobs and also are more present at home and see their kid more than two days a week? It's weird that you think being a CFO (of how big an entity you haven't told us) would require such long hours. Is he the CFO of a major corporation? Or is he the CFO of a small nonprofit?

If you're not having another kid, then this will probably be manageable and it certainly limits your financial risk. But still, you seem really naive-- frankly it's weird to be 35 and so trusting of any man. Sometimes men screw their wives over, and it's not always the ones you might think. Eyes wide open.

Your husband does not sound "amazing" because he has a job and does some chores and approves your spending and took two weeks off. He sounds like a normal adult. And that's probably what your friends are trying to get you to see.

PP, I think you forgot that he takes out the trash!!

[Anonymous]

ARE you a doormat? Because the haze of love can blind you to a lot of stuff that will grate on you much more down the line

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is they just found OP annoying, like I do. She seems very full of herself and her perfect little life.

This. She probably came across as smug and they wanted to take her down a peg.

+1 comes across as annoying here, probably is annoying in person.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op , I get some of this. I have a great husband. I mean sure there are some things that bug me, but as a whole he's an amazing husband and dad. You'll never find me engaging in complaining about him with random friends. I may vent to my two best friends about specific scenarios, but that's it. Some casual friends have made some snide comments to me before. I just look it as your typical middle and high school mean girls. They are jealous of my happy marriage so try to cut me down or make me feel insecure about it.

But I bet you also wouldn't be crowing about how amazing your husband is to some women who are in the middle of a divorce. OP sounds tone deaf and I bet the women got sick of her. I'm sick of her just from reading her posts.