I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

OP here. He changes diapers. He does a lot of care on the weekends in between work. He took 2 weeks off after we had our son to be there for me. He did all the diaper changing and I did nothing but feed and rest. He took care of the house and the baby. Now I do that because he works 60+ hour weeks as a CFO. I don’t mind it.

Two whole weeks? OMG WOW. No wonder you think it's "amazing".

You need to open your eyes. Lots of men take far more parental leave than that. It's NORMAL to take more leave than that. Has he got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important and can't?

You don't mind it now, because you're young and energetic and only have one kid and haven't even tried the working mom juggle for one day. You might feel differently when you have more kids and are alone with them every weeknight. Men who think they need to work long hours can make for a very lonely marriage.

OP here. He’s a CFO. I know what I was getting into when I dated and married him.

I am more traditional. I wanted to be a wife and a mom above all else. I have a career but that’s not nearly as important as having a family. That’s my personal choice. My mom was a SAHM in the 80’s/90’s. I do come from a more traditional Midwest life.

I’m also not young either. I’m 35. We don’t plan on having another kid given my age and my husband being 39. We joke that we are too old to have more kids. It took us a while to have conceive so he will be a one and only most likely.

But don't you understand that some men are capable of impressive jobs and also are more present at home and see their kid more than two days a week? It's weird that you think being a CFO (of how big an entity you haven't told us) would require such long hours. Is he the CFO of a major corporation? Or is he the CFO of a small nonprofit?

If you're not having another kid, then this will probably be manageable and it certainly limits your financial risk. But still, you seem really naive-- frankly it's weird to be 35 and so trusting of any man. Sometimes men screw their wives over, and it's not always the ones you might think. Eyes wide open.

Your husband does not sound "amazing" because he has a job and does some chores and approves your spending and took two weeks off. He sounds like a normal adult. And that's probably what your friends are trying to get you to see.

Op here. He’s not just some man..he’s my husband.

I find it weird that women marry and have kids with a man they can’t or don’t trust. That’s more odd than trusting the person you chose to spend your life with and have kids with.

I'm trying to tell you that most women trust the man at the time they marry and have kids, and then the man betrays their trust. Happens all the time and can happen to you. Everyone thinks their husband is special and great. Your failure to understand this (at 35!) is making you seem very naive and that's probably why you got pushback.

Women can also betray a man’s trust by cheating and stealing. Happens all the time.

Thanks for the non-sequitor. You really have an ax to grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

Seriously.

I have a friend whose husband never changed a diaper. I couldn't respect a "dad" like that but it works well enough for her (although she does say he holds all the power in their marriage and she's not happy about that).

OP here. He changes diapers. He does a lot of care on the weekends in between work. He took 2 weeks off after we had our son to be there for me. He did all the diaper changing and I did nothing but feed and rest. He took care of the house and the baby. Now I do that because he works 60+ hour weeks as a CFO. I don’t mind it.

Two whole weeks? OMG WOW. No wonder you think it's "amazing".

You need to open your eyes. Lots of men take far more parental leave than that. It's NORMAL to take more leave than that. Has he got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important and can't?

You don't mind it now, because you're young and energetic and only have one kid and haven't even tried the working mom juggle for one day. You might feel differently when you have more kids and are alone with them every weeknight. Men who think they need to work long hours can make for a very lonely marriage.

OP here. He’s a CFO. I know what I was getting into when I dated and married him.

I am more traditional. I wanted to be a wife and a mom above all else. I have a career but that’s not nearly as important as having a family. That’s my personal choice. My mom was a SAHM in the 80’s/90’s. I do come from a more traditional Midwest life.

I’m also not young either. I’m 35. We don’t plan on having another kid given my age and my husband being 39. We joke that we are too old to have more kids. It took us a while to have conceive so he will be a one and only most likely.

But don't you understand that some men are capable of impressive jobs and also are more present at home and see their kid more than two days a week? It's weird that you think being a CFO (of how big an entity you haven't told us) would require such long hours. Is he the CFO of a major corporation? Or is he the CFO of a small nonprofit?

If you're not having another kid, then this will probably be manageable and it certainly limits your financial risk. But still, you seem really naive-- frankly it's weird to be 35 and so trusting of any man. Sometimes men screw their wives over, and it's not always the ones you might think. Eyes wide open.

Your husband does not sound "amazing" because he has a job and does some chores and approves your spending and took two weeks off. He sounds like a normal adult. And that's probably what your friends are trying to get you to see.

OP here. He’s not just any man - he’s my husband. I found it out that women can marry and have children with a man who they don’t or can’t trust.

OP, You live your life how you prefer and don't take advice of jaded people who can't wrap their heads around your privileged situation. You are 35, already worked and saved a nest egg and now enjoying your first and probably only baby, no need to feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Ok so:

He's generally nice to you: That's good but I wouldn't call it "amazing". You must have a very low opinion of men if you do.

He doesn't micromanage your spending, which is partly from your own earnings and marital assets: Normal.

He does some chores (less than half): Normal. He doesn't have to be reminded: Good.

He took 2 weeks parental leave: Not very good.
He was helpful while on leave: Good.

He is a CFO of a big company: That's really the most "amazing" thing here.

He "bought you a house" using your earnings which are half his anyway, and other marital assets which are half yours anyway: Normal, and also a weird thing for you to say.

He doesn't really care about which house so he went with your preference: Normal.

He sees his kid 2 days a week: Not very good, may improve as the kid stays up later.

He's handling a weekend of caring for one infant mostly without your input: That's good. But it's not "amazing".

So I'm not really seeing where the "amazing" is, and I think your friends are right to call this out. What makes you feel you need to ooh and aah over this setup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM and they have jobs?

I work FT.

Then you are not smart if you do everything at home. I see what they mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM and they have jobs?

I work FT.

Then you are not smart if you do everything at home. I see what they mean.

She doesn't do everything. And I think it's fine for her to do more if he works longer hours at his job. But still, he seems pretty normal and I don't see what's amazing about it.

[Anonymous]

My guess is they just found OP annoying, like I do. She seems very full of herself and her perfect little life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is they just found OP annoying, like I do. She seems very full of herself and her perfect little life.

This. She probably came across as smug and they wanted to take her down a peg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so:

He's generally nice to you: That's good but I wouldn't call it "amazing". You must have a very low opinion of men if you do.

He doesn't micromanage your spending, which is partly from your own earnings and marital assets: Normal.

He does some chores (less than half): Normal. He doesn't have to be reminded: Good.

He took 2 weeks parental leave: Not very good.
He was helpful while on leave: Good.

He is a CFO of a big company: That's really the most "amazing" thing here.

He "bought you a house" using your earnings which are half his anyway, and other marital assets which are half yours anyway: Normal, and also a weird thing for you to say.

He doesn't really care about which house so he went with your preference: Normal.

He sees his kid 2 days a week: Not very good, may improve as the kid stays up later.

He's handling a weekend of caring for one infant mostly without your input: That's good. But it's not "amazing".

So I'm not really seeing where the "amazing" is, and I think your friends are right to call this out. What makes you feel you need to ooh and aah over this setup?

OP here.

He’s more than “ generally” nice to me. He’s very good to me and goes out of his way to treat me well and show me he loves me.

I say he bought a house for us because he used his savings as a down payment and fully pays the mortgage and almost all of our bills. We have a joint account but my paycheck has always gone directly into savings.

Many working men and women barely see their kids. I know several female doctors and lawyers who see their kids on average 1 hour a night and on the weekends. People work.

Many men do not get enough paternity leave. Some men are lucky to even get 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is they just found OP annoying, like I do. She seems very full of herself and her perfect little life.

Nope. I didn’t say anything and the one lady getting divorced was warning all of us married women. Most of us said we were very happy and her and her friend called me and one other woman doormats for wanting to stay home more and be very active in the home.

I let her comment get to me. I don’t her super well but I think she settled for her husband and got out as soon as she had two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is they just found OP annoying, like I do. She seems very full of herself and her perfect little life.

This. She probably came across as smug and they wanted to take her down a peg.

+1 comes across as annoying here, probably is annoying in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so:

He's generally nice to you: That's good but I wouldn't call it "amazing". You must have a very low opinion of men if you do.

He doesn't micromanage your spending, which is partly from your own earnings and marital assets: Normal.

He does some chores (less than half): Normal. He doesn't have to be reminded: Good.

He took 2 weeks parental leave: Not very good.
He was helpful while on leave: Good.

He is a CFO of a big company: That's really the most "amazing" thing here.

He "bought you a house" using your earnings which are half his anyway, and other marital assets which are half yours anyway: Normal, and also a weird thing for you to say.

He doesn't really care about which house so he went with your preference: Normal.

He sees his kid 2 days a week: Not very good, may improve as the kid stays up later.

He's handling a weekend of caring for one infant mostly without your input: That's good. But it's not "amazing".

So I'm not really seeing where the "amazing" is, and I think your friends are right to call this out. What makes you feel you need to ooh and aah over this setup?

OP here.

He’s more than “ generally” nice to me. He’s very good to me and goes out of his way to treat me well and show me he loves me.

I say he bought a house for us because he used his savings as a down payment and fully pays the mortgage and almost all of our bills. We have a joint account but my paycheck has always gone directly into savings.

Many working men and women barely see their kids. I know several female doctors and lawyers who see their kids on average 1 hour a night and on the weekends. People work.

Many men do not get enough paternity leave. Some men are lucky to even get 2 weeks.

Well, that's not what you said before. You said you bought the house together with your earnings and his savings. Which is it?

One hour a night is infinity times more than zero hours a night.

Indeed, it's sad when people don't get leave. But 2 weeks still isn't very much. It's not amazing.

[Anonymous]

Op , I get some of this. I have a great husband. I mean sure there are some things that bug me, but as a whole he's an amazing husband and dad. You'll never find me engaging in complaining about him with random friends. I may vent to my two best friends about specific scenarios, but that's it. Some casual friends have made some snide comments to me before. I just look it as your typical middle and high school mean girls. They are jealous of my happy marriage so try to cut me down or make me feel insecure about it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

I’m not going back to work FT. I was asked if I worked or something like that and I said I did. I’ve worked FT until I went on maternity leave. I will be working from home PT.

My husband is amazing. He works really hard and that’s why I was able to take an extended maternity leave and now work PT. He encourages me to take time for myself like going to get my hair done, get a message, go on trip with friends. I don’t worry about taking out the trash or any outside work or repairs because he handles it all.

I think maybe they find you a little goo-goo about your husband. Is he amazing and works really hard, or is he pretty much a regular person? It seems like he works a normal amount. Oh wow he takes out the trash, amazing! Really? He sounds like he's doing a normal amount or slightly less, and when women praise men for that, it's annoying.

Ask yourself whose workload will change if you have a second kid. That is what they're trying to tell you. Your setup is not sustainable.

OP here. He’s amazing to me and that’s what matters. He treats me really well. He works 9-11 hour days. Makes a lot of money compared to me but doesn’t ever make me feel like it’s his money. He doesn’t care what I spend and encourages me to.

I hate taking out the trash. He takes care of that and any repairs and yard work. I never have to ask.

He’s funny, reliable, attentive, sexy, and a good man.

Right so, a lot of people work long hours and are nice to their wife and do less than half of the chores. It's not really "amazing". j

Unless a man is completely subjugated to the whims and will of his wife and asks for nothing, but gives everything while providing a platform for her to do whatever she wants it is not good enough. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so:

He's generally nice to you: That's good but I wouldn't call it "amazing". You must have a very low opinion of men if you do.

He doesn't micromanage your spending, which is partly from your own earnings and marital assets: Normal.

He does some chores (less than half): Normal. He doesn't have to be reminded: Good.

He took 2 weeks parental leave: Not very good.
He was helpful while on leave: Good.

He is a CFO of a big company: That's really the most "amazing" thing here.

He "bought you a house" using your earnings which are half his anyway, and other marital assets which are half yours anyway: Normal, and also a weird thing for you to say.

He doesn't really care about which house so he went with your preference: Normal.

He sees his kid 2 days a week: Not very good, may improve as the kid stays up later.

He's handling a weekend of caring for one infant mostly without your input: That's good. But it's not "amazing".

So I'm not really seeing where the "amazing" is, and I think your friends are right to call this out. What makes you feel you need to ooh and aah over this setup?

OP here.

He’s more than “ generally” nice to me. He’s very good to me and goes out of his way to treat me well and show me he loves me.



I say he bought a house for us because he used his savings as a down payment and fully pays the mortgage and almost all of our bills. We have a joint account but my paycheck has always gone directly into savings.

Many working men and women barely see their kids. I know several female doctors and lawyers who see their kids on average 1 hour a night and on the weekends. People work.

Many men do not get enough paternity leave. Some men are lucky to even get 2 weeks.

Like you do for him, right? Are you an amazing wife? Or are you a normal couple at the beginning, often the easiest part, of a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Many working men and women barely see their kids. I know several female doctors and lawyers who see their kids on average 1 hour a night and on the weekends. People work.

Many men do not get enough paternity leave. Some men are lucky to even get 2 weeks.

This^. If he was a woman, people would be cheering her up for being a girl boss and asking why her husband isn't doing more and how she should be protecting her assets. Pendulum has swung to another extreme. No woman is allowed to leave the script.

Makes sense in some ways, women are afraid of women doing more for their husbands and kids because they don't want it to become a norm again. They aren't ready to lose rights and privileges they earned just recently. Its not easy to get over trauma of generations.