What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid doesn't want to know who cheated on whom. We are divorcing. He is moving out.
The End.

I disagree. Kids do want to know why, after decades together, their parents are divorcing. And saying “we grew apart” when dad immediately has a new gf is an obvious lie by omission.

They don’t need any gritty details or for their parents to be processing it in their presence but they are part of the family unit and it is understandable for them to want to know why their family is now broken. Leaving your spouse is not just about your spouse, you are impacting your children and the family you built.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

My freshmen college roommate and her brother (upperclassmen) were destroyed when something like this happened to them. They had a very hard time with it. They said they felt like there entire childhood was a lie. They were very depressed and also so angry at their dad. His timing is awful. There is a misconception kids are older it won’t matter/-/but college kids need that safety and security net at home with so much change.

+1

Yeah. Kid needs to be watched after this news. A lot of mental health issues in campuses these days and getting this type of news - out of the blue— can be the impetus for an episode. Kids like a secure home base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think especially boys tend to side with their mothers and feel protective towards them.

I know of two separate situations where the college-age sons quit speaking to their fathers. In one instance the rupture was permanent.

It can really mess up a college kid, so proceed with prudence.

Stopping here to say - this would not help with ensuring Dad pays/helps to pay for college.

OP is college taken care of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine telling him while he is at school with no support system.

She really has no choice but to tell him now.
She could visit him at school and offer him to come home after but. He actually might prefer to stay at school with friends. He may have a support system there
Dad's already moved out can't wait till Thanksgiving break dad's already moved out and is living his own life

[Anonymous]

OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

Go back to how would you deal with this if your H had a severe mental illness, drug addiction, alcoholism, etc.

His actions are not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

Good for you for staying calm and measured. I’m sure it’s not easy but it’s what’s best for your child and your relationship with your child.

When they go low, you go high and all that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

[/b]

Are you kidding me? Way to pass the responsibility of blowing up the marriage on OP. Absolutely ridiculous.

+1 to this OP - this is what I meant by cruel. “You chose to uncover your husband’s affair.” really???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

OP knows this...that's exactly what OP wants to avoid, and why OP is asking for advice. Do you have any actual, useful advice, PP? No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

[/b]

Are you kidding me? Way to pass the responsibility of blowing up the marriage on OP. Absolutely ridiculous.

+1 to this OP - this is what I meant by cruel. “You chose to uncover your husband’s affair.” really???

. Thank you! I really appreciate your support. I don’t have any mental space to absorb ad hominem attacks so to those who want to dump on me, just want to let you know it’s not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

NP. I"m sorry that DH was the first to tell your DC, especially as you noted early in the thread that DH was likely to spin it in an advantageous or at least "this was mutual" fashion. I'd assume, at this point, that now Dh possibly will keep feeding DC whatever version of things DH prefers. I'd talk to DC tomorrow, and have s sript in hand so you don't wing it and possibly get upset or lose your temper (at DH, not DC). Something along lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't hear it from me, or from DH and me together. You said you weren't sure if he had told me about the divorce. I don't know and don't want to know what he told you, but I discovered he was seeing someone else, and he has chosen to end the marriage, move out of the house, and be with that person. So Thanksgiving break won't be what you expected, or what you deserve, but you and I will be together and that's the most important thing. I know this is a shock and you're digesting this news. What questions do you have for me?" (if none, or if DC seems flummoxed by that) "Don't worry if you dont' want to talk about this now. Think of any questions you have and I'll answer them but it doesn't have to be right now."

Any chance that your STBX will try to get your DC on his "side"? Sometimes that's a factor, sometimes it isn't.

I"m so sorry. OP. I'd keep an eye on DC once DC returns to college, to be sure DC isn't distracted, upset, angered by this, in ways that harm college work or college social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

Daddy’s new girlfriend is already cutting that off, rest assured.
In December the FAFSA will be done with only the mom. And letter should go to uni to explain change.

How could that possibly be? And FWIW Mommy doesn't have any income because I was told by him that what I would earn now would just be a tax liability so just focus on my hobbies and volunteering and don't stress about trying to get back into the work force post-Pandemic. I haven't worked since 2020.

OP, you need to speak with a lawyer. And make plans to revive your career. I would focus there ASAP and talk to DC in person over break when you have had more time to process. Group therapy was also really helpful to me. Start building your new life and getting a foundation there. I’d go on a trip with DC, a new, fresh pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

OP knows this...that's exactly what OP wants to avoid, and why OP is asking for advice. Do you have any actual, useful advice, PP? No?

and thank you as well! There has been a lot of kindness here and I appreciate it. 🥰

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

NP. I"m sorry that DH was the first to tell your DC, especially as you noted early in the thread that DH was likely to spin it in an advantageous or at least "this was mutual" fashion. I'd assume, at this point, that now Dh possibly will keep feeding DC whatever version of things DH prefers. I'd talk to DC tomorrow, and have s sript in hand so you don't wing it and possibly get upset or lose your temper (at DH, not DC). Something along lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't hear it from me, or from DH and me together. You said you weren't sure if he had told me about the divorce. I don't know and don't want to know what he told you, but I discovered he was seeing someone else, and he has chosen to end the marriage, move out of the house, and be with that person. So Thanksgiving break won't be what you expected, or what you deserve, but you and I will be together and that's the most important thing. I know this is a shock and you're digesting this news. What questions do you have for me?" (if none, or if DC seems flummoxed by that) "Don't worry if you dont' want to talk about this now. Think of any questions you have and I'll answer them but it doesn't have to be right now."

Any chance that your STBX will try to get your DC on his "side"? Sometimes that's a factor, sometimes it isn't.

I"m so sorry. OP. I'd keep an eye on DC once DC returns to college, to be sure DC isn't distracted, upset, angered by this, in ways that harm college work or college social life.

thank you!! I am on my phone and the screen is weird but this is great advice and I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Tell him if you want: Your father got tired of my nonsense and found a better woman. It's all his fault.