Reply to What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

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Reply to "What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP with an update.  DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx[/quote]

NP. I"m sorry that DH was the first to tell your DC, especially as you noted early in the thread that DH was likely to spin it in an advantageous or at least "this was mutual" fashion. I'd assume, at this point, that now Dh possibly will keep feeding DC whatever version of things DH prefers. I'd talk to DC tomorrow, and have s sript in hand so you don't wing it and possibly get upset or lose your temper (at DH, not DC). Something along lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't hear it from me, or from DH  and me together. You said you weren't sure if he had told me about the divorce. I don't know and don't want to know what he told you, but I discovered he was seeing someone else, and he has chosen to end the marriage, move out of the house, and be with that person. So Thanksgiving break won't be what you expected, or what you deserve, but you and I will be together and that's the most important thing. I know this is a shock and you're digesting this news. What questions do you have for me?" (if none, or if DC seems flummoxed by that) "Don't worry if you dont' want to talk about this now. Think of any questions you have and I'll answer them but it doesn't have to be right now."

Any chance that your STBX will try to get your DC on his "side"? Sometimes that's a factor, sometimes it isn't.

I"m so sorry. OP. I'd keep an eye on DC once DC returns to college, to be sure DC isn't distracted, upset, angered by this, in ways that harm college work or college social life. [/quote]

This is good advice. Just one edit — I don’t think you should presume DC wants to spend Thanksgiving with you. I would let him know you would love to spend Thanksgiving with him but you understand if he wants to see his dad too. [/quote]

And on the flip side don’t assume the kid will want to see the dad.  Just be there to support the kid, like it sounds like you’re already planning.  But let them know it’s okay to want to spend time with their dad too, you will support them whatever they need.  I really think this approach did wonders in softening the blow for my own son.  Never, ever show any emotion about the situation to the kid.  Just support their needs.  [/quote]

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